Now I'm not talking about my illicit drug use or the break up of my engagement. But, I'm talking about the part right after all that stuff. I'm talking about aftermath.
Before my separation from my ex. We had broken up and stayed together. We made a promise that he broke on my birthday. It's funny how security could turn into mental illness. Slowly I started doing all this weird shit.
All of the sudden I was afraid of crowds, to be outside or even in my living room. It was like I was living inside of my head. But, out of all the things that was bad; I just didn't talk. I didn't know how to talk. Often times I just stayed quiet.
It's out of my mental illness and trying to build a life for me that all this unpleasant started to grow. There was road block after road block just trying to get anything to happen. And, many times I messed up because I didn't understand what was happening around me, I didn't understand the serious. To be honest, I was completely aloof. And, I know something was happen but when you even know your losing your mind. You just don't want to believe it. So I blocked a lot of things out.
Now that I am not much of any of those things. It's hard to get people to understand the journey. And, I feel like people won't see unless I am still that person. But, the purpose of most of it was to come out of it. And, I have tried my absolute hardest to come out of it.
To only come out of my head but to come out of my circumstances socially. And, there were and are so many doubters. People who feel that you belong in this place or that place. People who said I would never be anything or that I wasn't smart but crazy. Right Now, people are the social/politic aspects of my life. But, there is so much more that many of you don't understand.
I couldn't get the help and interaction I needed where I was at. So I had to find some place else.
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