The Afternoon Edition

I’d be lying if I said I was happy right now. It’s nothing really external that set me off and believe me, I had a few reasons. Maybe its the nothingness getting me down. I know that I haven't given my best these last few days. I’m not necessarily wore down as much as I am just not in the mood for all of this. Believe it or not people, some days you can wake up and be absolutely tired of yourself. Tired of the same things, the same feelings and talking of the same things. 

The irony of it all is that now I have anxiety because I am going out. So many scenarios run through my head; will the next crash be this day, remember to stay calm, parking, is there gas in the car, what if you get hungry or start to feel sick. And, what’s even worse is that since I am coming to new places and places that always have revolving people, I wonder what will they think of me. Will I be welcomed! Will I receive the cold shoulder. And, I am not afraid but it is the weight of all these things to be considered….things that must be considered. 

It makes me want to live this city even more because these are things that I worry about here. And, in some instances its not my mental health that is cause so much of the issue but its the putting myself into situations where my health or progress in my life could be compromised. And, when all this worry, doubt, and self consciousness arises I found that I haven’t really lived that day. 

Instead of living out the day or living out loud, I find that I have waded through the shallow depths of the day and held on for dear life when waves of the day crash against me. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in this feeling. That everyone feels the way I do at one point or another but I highly doubt that. Most people would say take a day off or something like that. But, I don’t think that will really solve this problem. All I think I will do is wait for some inspiration. Something to make me feel better. 

One thing is for sure, I’ve got to get out of my head because it can sometimes do as much damage as it does good.