I sat outside and smoked my cigarette and was thinking while the music played. And, I kind of went into a trance. I started to feel my mortality; I started to feel my dark thoughts and worries coming back to me.
I'm still thinking about the subject that's been on my mind for some time now. It's wearing heavy on me because for me these people are like my family. They might not see me like family but so much of what I've grown to be; the good parts.....it's them. And, it feels like they have died in some horrible accident.
Recently I had a friend come to me because he had to deal with the loss of someone he cared about. And, the advice that I gave him was in some many words, "Those people are dead and your alive. You can't live with the dead. They won't hold you back. As a matter of fact they can't hold you back. Your alive, you have to keep on living". And, it's hard to take my own advice. This isn't just some one that I knew in passing or hooked up with. When I had nights like I did last night, they would call me and say things like, "I want you stay with me", "I know you can't get here but do what you can. Go back to school. Go get mental health assistance". I don't know when or where I gave but they stepped in when non of the people around me could. My mom was sick in bed everyday and soon my Aunt was the same way.
What impressed me about them and what really impresses me about people who are like this but I don't know too many people who are so bold to say things like me or just bold enough to say things. No one talks! Even back then everything was such a secret. It's something that still happens but everything has to be such since everyone always has to put their hand in the honey pot. You can't take a shit with company.
Anyway, it was imparted to me that visibility is the issue and that is why a true connection can't be made. These are well manner and intelligent people. Their lifestyle really stands on keeping a good face. So when I had haters telling me that I didn't belong there with those people because I am not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough and I don't have the right clothes. And, in so many ways I could believe that but that doesn't sound like my friends. My friends are the type of people where everyone may think it but they are classy enough to never say such things.
So I know what I wrote would have really had them shaking their heads. But, I am me.....and I had to say what I feel especially since I couldn't talk to them. There are so many times that I wish I could have talked to them and tell them that, "Hey, you've got it wrong". And, I try to when I can. But, that's the one not to many people can stand, they don't want someone else telling them how to live their lives. And, that's where the big break down exists, I can't tell them anything and they live a lifestyle that is so set. But, it's not an obnoxious thing, it's just them trying to preserve their lives. It seems the only way they could do that was by pushing me back. The burden of having me was so heavy.
Looking back over this, we don't sound so much like good friends. But, it's just a different kind of relationship. I just hate that something so petty could be the straw that breaks the camels back. I know they would do anything to preserve their lives. But, I've got to do anything I can to preserve the life that I've got left. In the end, we all have a choice and some of us choose another route. That doesn't make either of us bad but it come cause friction between us if we never consider the other person.
If atomic bombs were to strike down in Los Angeles and Paris.....me and them would mostly like perish. We live in the epicenters. The source, ground zero. The issue is so strong with us.
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