If anybody asks for me tell them I will be right. Sometimes my mind checks out. And, to most other people it’s a sign that I am crazy or something like that. For the longest time, I thought it was because I was crazy but I realize that a wandering mind is something a lot of us have sometimes. I think it’s usually caused by certain kinds of pressures and stress. And, I dont really feel stressed as much as I feel surrounding.
The funny thing is when my mind is on vacation, that’s when I have my best think and ideas about things outside of the moment. And, I have been thinking about so many things; my mind has been going a mile a minute…it’s so bad that I can hardly sleep at night sometimes. So I am pretty sure that lots of you have been wondering about what I am thinking about or why I am acting so weird.
Well, the first thing is I feel bad about my family. Like I could cry because I felt close to my Mom for the first time in a long time. It’s like we talk but never have dialogue. And, it was nice to have some dialogue with my Mom. But, know it’s like I don’t recognize my family again. They have become pod people are the very least another set of bill of collectors. The irony is I want to go away because they are acting like this now before I even thought about going anywhere.
Then I started to think about my issue on a macro scale, how after one email and text message, a dark seed could be planted. Excuse because I am about to get cryptic but if you know me, it will make sense. Soooo…..Lets say that you have an apartment and you get along with everyone in your building except one person who lives in this one apartment. He is apart of a gang and you know that if you hurt or upset the boy, he gang could hurt you. So you stay away from the boy, maybe fuck with him over undercover. And, if he hurts you back, its self defense but if the gang messes with you.
Now if the gang decides to assemble and do their gang activity, no you can really hit him where it hurts. You can call in the big guns or the police. Detectives will be detecting. You can rally people together. You can say that you feel endangered or anything. You’ve been taking notes and names. It is Christmas time for you, you can have any one of them picked off or removed. You can do whatever you want, have whatever you want and there is not many people who can stop you. And, since this is a gang, you can get these people for things that exist outside of the gang. Now you can become the nuisance and get this person and anyone with them. And, if someone tries to hurt you, you can kill them and it is self defense. But, more than self defense, its all in the name of safety and justice. Yet no one really did anything to you.
So maybe thats not a good example for the message I am trying to relay. But, I think the message speaks for it’s self….even though there is another angle I could work that message on; the people worried about a kidnapping, sex or abortion. Like sex is such a horrible thing especially for certain people worth certain kinds of bodies. They need all the touching they can get. Somebody needs to love it!
But, anyway, I’m just tired of dumb shit. That’s kind of another reason why my mind is on vacation. No matter how long time goes by, I am just cant believe how mean people could get so far. My best friend and I talk about how all the time nice guys finish last. And, sometimes it just feels like the world has fallen on its head. Like I am just dumbstruck because I just sometimes can’t believe my life. For all the things that have happen to me or just happened, I never really planned them. And, to be honest, I just don’t feel like putting myself through it or anybody else. Yet at the same time, I feel like going on simply because I need to feel alive….I’m not living here. And, the love of family is great but it will never be enough.
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