Occurrence

The next few days are going to tell me (and maybe everyone else) something about power. If words that aren't in any way a lie on you, degrades you (or your lover, family, friends or choices).....are that offensive to then that alone says a lot. That is something that I have received time and time again but I don't coward, I just always choose love or complaining. So I wait here patiently and I wait to see how bad and physically hurtful you have to be over something that lasted less than 5 seconds. I just hate living in a world where I have to be consistently less for other people and then I am called stupid all the time. 

Occurrence

The attitudes of late have taken me on a flashback to years gone by. I’ve only seen actions and attitudes like this from where I’ve come from. And, the timing would fit considering all thats happened or is happening. All this trouble for one person, to draw one person out. All this trouble for one person who decided long ago, it did not want to be involved. Questions and ideas about whether this person was good or bad, right or wrong have been swirling around…..even more so lately. My answer to that is take yesterday and make that day be every single day for inception to departure. That attitude and energy is all too familiar. Technically, It’s the root reason why everyone is in the mess their in. It explains why a certain “gent” has been peculiar lately. But, I digress, when it comes to the integrity and heart of the person that departed from my life….that is not business to tell. But, if you know me, it’s heart that matters and I wouldn't keep anybody around my life if their heart wasn’t in the right place. Furthermore, the authority of that person’s language or ideas…..is also not my business to tell. But, I can tell you that there is maybe nobody who actually knows me, you and everybody else better. How easily we forget, he has been here (where I was and where I am) before a lot of people that are here now. This person can account for a lot of things. But, if he doesn't want anything to do with me, I am not going to force it. I am not going to bother, ask or anything. I hate to speculate about things but its the only thing that makes sense to me. 

Occurrence

I've never been one for violence but man I would mind seeing my brother on an episode of dynasty right about now.

Occurrence

There is always that one thing about the picture of my life that's wrong....no matter if I'm right or wrong. It never fails that my home gangs up on me. It's never dished out to everybody but everybody loves to team up when it comes to me. And, the arrogance.......

Is the karma really not unexplainable? 

Occurrence

I've said this before and I'll say this again, "Sometimes we get so busy watching our enemies that we forget to watch our friends".  Thats a line from a Bond movie but I feel its something worth reminding people.

Occurrence

That is so frustrating! The idea that a war could be started over the fact that I have a relationship with one person. And, I went through this one time before. Well more than one time. It's like I don't want to get ugly over something so stupid. But, what pisses me off is that I look at all the things that I can't do because of other people. I think about everything I lost and I don't have then I actually get angry and I never angry. But, it's just like one more thing that I can't have. It's like one more thing that's owned and controlled by someone else. Can really own a name, a word, a punctation make, the air, or another person. And, if you really could own such a thing then how far do your rights extend. For the rest of my life, would I be excluded from something because you have a claim on it or is it as long as I know you. But, what really pisses me off is that you can throw a fit about it when no one bothered you and everybody roll up because they even got mentioned then do what their doing. And, it's okay! It might have been different if you were running someone else name throw the mud or was actually fucking with them. But, every one thinks it's acceptable. Yet if I get upset then I'm out of line when everyone else is acting a damn fool. It's like what the fuck do you really want. It's things like this that really just depress me because it's like so stupid. And, everyone is okay with that. Like I can live my life ducking and hiding but that's fine. Like I can be sick or damaged over it and sorry is suppose to be okay. It's always sooooo simple when it comes to me. My life really means nothing to a whole bunch of people and it never did from the start. 

Occurrence

Boom Boom Pow! The story is always the same, nothing ever changes. 

Occurrence

It feels good to be moving on....well not actually moving on but just not to be thinking about the pain or the drama that everyday life can bring. To just do something....to do just anything. That's a powerful thing but like always people try to come and rain on your parade. Everybody needs something to do. The funny thing if I started to focus on them, they wouldn't like it (not because I'd try to hurt them). Simply because nobody likes a light shining on them but they love to put theirs on you. 

Occurrence

Its hard to manage the days, some days. Everybody I find that I am doing something for somebody else. Everything and everyone requires so much care and attention. It would be a lot different if things were running smoothly in my own personal life. Everyday I am looking at my money intensely, trying to make sure that I have everything that I need and dreaming about my wants. 

The truth is I am not really complaining about having things to do. If anything I just wish that some people were kind of understanding. But, even more than this I wish everything wasn’t soooooooooo serious. It’s good practice for stress manage but everyday shouldn’t be this way. It just shouldn’t be this way. Everyday shouldn't be a fight to just be, to just use the computer, what to eat or to go for a walk. 

In the end….I’ve got to do the best that I can and try to make things work. Fingers crossed! 

Occurrence

It strikes me as odd that now that the expectation is for me to get a job. But, the struggle and obstacles is real. It's like watching someone punch them self in the face.....repeatedly.

Occurrence: Disclaimer

If your reading my blog or checking out my tumblr......if you can't interpret something or don't understand it then you should probably leave it alone. 

Occurrence

Well I feel like I am officially home. I’ve been home for twelve days and things that seemed to have disappeared, have reappeared. Feelings that I havent felt for maybe a month are back now. This feeling of oppression and being watched are here. Feeling like I can’t move or turn one direction or another. And, its totally depressing! Being in the situation, I kind of can’t help but feel that way. 

Yet on the other hand, I feel like the last few days are proof and testament to the things that I knew and had been saying for soooooo long. And, there is some relief in that but even still you can’t help but feel a little worse because nothing and no one is really going to do anything about it. 

No one ever thinks that their life will start a movement especially a movement against them. And, no one ever really starts out their life and wants to be a cause. But, I guess shit just happens. At least this is the way that I feel about it and myself. Even though I know I am so much more than all of this. 

Right Now, I am not exactly sure of what I am going to do next but I have some fabulous ideas. So I guess will just see how it all works out. 

Occurrence

Never let anyone tell you that blogging is bad. I've had many opinions and objections to my blogging. Before this blog, I used another blog quite often. And, I talked about everything. So recently I needed to know the dates that I worked at an old job. So I looked all over for pay stubs. But, I couldn't find anything. Then I thought, let me look at my blog and I found all the info; job work 12/12/11 to 1/25/12. This was the one time in my life, I was super proud of myself for commiting to something. The downside is I still sound the same; just this darkness and sadness to me. It depressed me and annoyed me. So I'm going to try and turn over a new leaf. In this section of my blog or in a new one; I'm going to try to say something positive about myself or someone around me. At this moment, I have nothing to positive to say for the people around me. So I'm going to keep it to myself. But, I just wonder, how do you make noise on a ceiling. Anyway, I've got to make more friends in my area; it's a must for me. I know the difference between making an enemy or a friend is understanding. And, I want to understand some folks. 

Occurrence

The last twenty four hours have been horrible. I've got two god son's, eight and less than one. So I've been showing the eight year old pics of his birth father and mother since he has been born. But, he has been away for a while and yesterday I accidentally showed him a picture of his birth dad, who he had forgotten all about. So he brought up the topic to his mother and it's totally ruined her day. So I feel awful for her and the challenge that she is now faced with. And, I wish I would have known what was going on and that she withheld information from him. But, I would have known these things if our relationship was could or was better. That's what really makes me upset; she's my friend but my family knows her better. 

Occurrence

My cheesecake cracked but it didn't stop it from tasting good. 

Occurrence

It's so hard to deal with people who want to give you what they are desperately trying to get rid of themselves. 

I'm suffering through that now. And, it's taking everything in me not to explode on two people. 

Oh the irony! 

Occurrence

Sometimes I wish people would recognize and remember things that I've said.....twice today something I just said or even warned about came to past. It's like sometimes I wish that people would recognize that anytime I try to make a step in my life or do anything there is always some drama or secret there. Like I can't randomly call an old friend or fuck buddy without there being something up. It's one thing when I want to do something big but if I just want to say hello to someone then BOOM. And, that's not my fault. You can't get mad at me for something that's not my fault. And, I get tired of getting blamed for that and then having someone else doing the most because something happened.