You have to always be aware. And, it gets to a point where you get so anal because your looking for stressors. You avoid certain people and you avoid certain things because they might compromise you. And, it's not that your even going to look crazy or over react. But, it's the fact when you have a mental illness and you have a bad day then the general reaction is, "Well, he is crazy". And, your cut down and discredited.
But, I'm lucky enough to hardly even get mad.....to be mean or to be cruel. So I'm sorry to be upset but in way do I regret being upset. Since I hardly ever am this way, I feel better now. There is not a real emotional way to get it out besides crying (which is something else to be frowned upon). So I feel good!
I think I've got to come to some real realizations. I know more people that don't like me and really just people out on the table.....every one from my old job at Unger Fabrik, to my old address at 2257, various parts of Orange County, family, to my next door neighbors and all the surrounding ones hate me. Then the states of Georgia, Colorado, Washington and Washington D.C. Then there is Australia and maybe every Asian country you can imagine.
And, if that's not enough, I've got a lot of people that I call friends that really don't care about me anymore. If there is any percent of the world that cares about they are just spots compared to the big blotches that could pull the trigger if they could. But, there's this fifty mile radius of people around my home of people that don't care about me.....you'd think that would be enough. But, it's not because not even one government (local or national) agency that thinks enough of me.
Well, I know most of you are thinking I am having a "woe is me" moment but the truth is, it is the truth. Most people think love is in the obligations; I've done this or that. But, love is in the sacrifices not in just the small ones but in the big ones. I've made so many sacrifices for people, some that they didn't know about and some that they did. Love is in the details. Maybe it's foolish to think about love when your worth about as much as a job to most.
I've heard it said next to me and around me that the sorrow is over when I give it up.....when sorrow gets what it wants. That's when the job is done. Even if I wanted to, have no power to give anybody something that I don't have. I can't even keep the friends I have or keep my family off my back. If I knew what to do without being stabbed in the back at every god damn instance I would have done it. But, the truth is there is nothing that I can do.
There is a beautiful man on Scruff, I mean a men's fitness or DNA mag or at the very least porn star level sexy, that thinks on beautiful and wants to sleep with me. And, I can't really even be his friend because I know, in my heart that even if it's one night, it's going to hurt. It may not hurt that not but maybe the morning after. And, it won't just be me that he'll hurt. He will hurt my life or some extension of it. My heart just can't take it again, I can't take another experience of a man just running all over me. When what I need from him desperately, more than sex, is to treat me right and be fair in all aspects of my life/our relationship. It's something I don't get often. It's something that I have lost from the friends I had and it's most definitely something that I don't get at home. I would have been more willing to do it before last Friday. But, my friends and family have completely shown their ass each day more and more since then. My faith in the world has diminished a little more. I don't know how my idea to make more friends at home is going to work. I don't even know if I should give my porn star a chance. But, I guess time will tell, my back up plan is still an option.
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