One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn in recent years is not everyone’s kindness is good for you. Not everybody wants for you the same things that you want or need for yourself. And, that can lead to problems. Right Now, I’m connecting with all sorts of people locally. Everything has been going relatively good, up until a certain point. The minute that I get to a break through with someone or I am about to have a meeting things just take a turn for the worst.
For example, I have become much closer to a certain person or group of people. And, it kind of feels right and I’m getting good vibes on one side. I’ve even made a breakthrough in our relationship; we have a dialogue and we speak almost daily. This is at the annoyance of others. Now I have some understanding. I’m not proclaiming that everything I do is right but maybe I’m a little more understood.
Anyway, now I am feeling some pressure to end things. Something that is telling me to pull back and away. Part of me wonders if I should take heed. Should I take heed because maybe there is something I am not seeing; maybe these guys are doing me dirty. Another part of me feels like maybe this is happening because I am building something with someone and its a local thing. Maybe my relationship is a threat to someone else.
And, I can tell you guys I just cant afford another tragedy in my finances or in my dealings with other people. Constantly I say that we must live bold and right lives. That applies to me and even you when someone has done me or you wrong. Do you know that daily there is at least one person I want to just go off on because something stupid that they/he/she did to me but I can’t because time is and people are not on my side. If I screw up or you screw with being vengeful; the pre story is not going to be told but the damage will be televised far and wide. Everybody loves a beast especially one that can be caged or mounted on a wall. And, I want to prove people wrong; so I try my hardest to not speak of such things. Most things I do are out of self defensive.
I’m just the black guy that other black people (family, old friend and foe) think less of. All my life, I had been the guy that everyone banded together over. Now I am the guy that gets exactly the opposite treatment. Although I have to say that something happened last week that made me feel like my mother and Aunt loved me. It was the most expensive gift they have given me in a long time. I’d told them about the incident that occurred between me and my old friend. So I was sure they were going to side with her whether I was right or wrong. But, they looked at the situation fairly and supported it. It took me back to when I really was their son and nephew. The situation is terrible but it felt really good to be not only loved but supported in the right way.
Anyway, I hate that so much boils down to race. And, not just race but economy. I love people. And, it just so happens that I love white men and I have more white friends than any other race these days. To be honest that has more to do with acceptance than looking for a white angel, to guide and protect me. Although I can’t deny that I do need to be saved because I just can’t seem to save myself. I’m trying everything; I’m looking for work, I’m trying to move, I am trying to make friends (even while going through impossible obstacles that they might not understand), I’m trying to leave people alone even they keep fucking with me and just be a little be more normal by changing my attitude but it always comes back to being in other peoples boxes and traps. I’m missing out on opportunities that I need.
Maybe I am being sensitive and dramatic but you can feel something is coming. You can see it in the arrogance and confidence of the people. I just feel like people are trying to close in on me. You can just see them pushing for how things have always been meanwhile when things go bad then they want something else. So I don’t know about anybody else or but I know that I need help. I need to get out of here. I need to change. I need someone to understand. I need tough love. I need positive reinforcement. I need security. I need somebody to fix me; help me to help myself. I dont care if its God, a white man or a purple one. I need you! And, the only thing I ask is for you to keep it real and respect me.
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