I know what things are for me and what they mean for me. But then there's what things really are and the reality of certain situations. Like for example, I want a job and I'm a good worker. I just want a simple job that's removed of my past and respects my present. But, after working on some job related stuff with friends I've come to realize some truths about myself. This is what I told a friend....
"I've just recognized that me getting a job and looking for one is like going back to school after years away. You don't have that energy and fight that everyone else has because they are used to the whole rat race. After like a couple days of work I feel like I've worked for weeks without a break. I'm just not used to having to do something everyday anymore. I haven't been able to keep a job for longer than a month since like December 2011. I can keep friends a little longer but just like those jobs, I say fuck it if it ain't right. I'm really gonna have to kick my ass to make things happen; I'm a little scared. Since I'm going to get my Masters degree, I need a part time gig that I can ease myself into. I'm a good worker and I'll work with anyone. I just can't deal with the work place drama and having people come down on; I've had some horrible bosses. I like cohesion, discretion and positivity".
This is the truth about myself and I know that my people problems extend from something else that's gone wrong in my life and it's not just my mental illness. I love people! I would love to have a group of fabulous gay men that includes business professionals, models, nerds, medical professionals, regular joes and whoever else that's cool. The irony is I already know a lot of fabulous gay men. And, I've been accepted as I am!!! But, at the same time I have a lot of history and bad history with people. So it kind of sucks to be with the wrong people or not just the wrong people but to be with people you have to worry about. No one wants to have to feel like you have to second guess your friends. You could give me a friend but if I second guess you then I am going to second guess the friend.
Now that I have all these people coming in and out of life, I'm happy to have the interest and to have people put the effort into me. I just feel so blessed! But, I just feel like I have to watch people and that's not cool. I don't want to come off as unreliable, sketchy or even scared. Those are not attractive qualities or features to have. It makes me look bad or like I am not able to receive what's coming my way. Like for example, I had a great talk with my "porno guy" last night. He flirted, "asked me to have his baby" but I turned it to a more serious direction. So I asked him basically if he was going to stick around for that "baby". All the time, guy love to put it in you but don't like to keep the job. And, I need real people in my life.
But, all of this explains why I like travel and meeting new people from different places. There is no bias (usually) even if there is pretense. But, it's also all so new! And, we can live, work and play together. But, in the end it's all about freedom. And, the freedom to get away from my problems. The freedom to try to start my life over. The thing I've been saying for so long. I might have problems and issues but I know what I need. I just wish other people could recognize when your relationship is destroyed. And, my relationship is over and done with so many people but we all keep faking it. We all try to keep it going but we aren't getting anywhere here.
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