Youth Not Here

You hear so many older people talk about being older and missing out on their youth. And, that’s partially true for me too. I’ve missed so many years and things because of my illness and other obstacles. And, I just want to say and put it out in the world, because I want to speak positive things into existence but it’s not over for me. This is not the end of my youth physically and even mentally. I’m still young and I’ve got so much time to make up for. 

There are so many countries and things that I want to see and learn. And, all I have to do is getting out of my sticky situation and out of my shell. It’s kind of that simple! Where it is not simple is that I can’t un see things that I have seen. I cant undo things that have happened to me. I can’t forget what I know. And, I know that things won’t be easy if I got this positive thing in my life. Nothing worth having is easy! 

But, I think the word easy is more relevant to environment versus chance or luck. When your like me, it’s all about the support system you have in your life and making good choices. And, those are things that you can’t control. If I could control my environment, I would use my control to blend in and disappear when I can. But, the world or life doesn’t exactly work like that. You have to the best that you can with what you’ve got. 

Considering the role and decisions that I have made for myself in my life, I recognize that I have made some mistakes. And, that was the child in me, trying to survive in a grown up world without proper faculties and support. The other half of things is just things going incredibly wrong for me. When you are a young adult, most people treat you, “yes and no”….you know either or. When you do something wrong your a child yet get punished like an adult but when you do something right your an adult. The law doesn’t give a middle ground why should the people do so. 

Sometimes I wish the people who are or were suppose to recognize that child going the wrong way, could have understood versus acting. Your family and friends can only do so much when they are going through things and they aren’t gay either. Many times it felt like I was the only one going through things because I sat back and watched so many things just happen for other people. And, when you been through as many things as I’ve been through your eyes just dont see the world like others do. 

When I look outside I don’t see the paradise and possibilities that most of the world thinks of when they think of Los Angeles. When I look out side all I can see is boundaries, accidents waiting to happen, judgements, loud noises, hassles, traps and all those negative things. And, this is my home; this is my shelter. This is where I am suppose to lay my head and lay my burdens down. And, I don’t want to…..not here.