It’s no secret that I have loved many men in the light and in the dark. It’s not because I am scared but because I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter if the guy is from this side of the tracks or on the other side of the ocean. There is a guy right now in America that I have tired to love since 2009. Over the years we've lost touch, we've forgotten each other, got hot and heavy over the phone, and talked like old friends. We would get so close and snap…..we flatlined.
Life goes on…..everyday is another struggle, sickness and heartbreak. So I moved on….I’m making dates her, I’m getting turned down for jobs there and I’m fighting for just every single moment of quiet, sanity, friendship or anything else. And, I tried my hardest to save face for public, for my family and my best friend. Two years ago, if you asked them what was going on in my life; who I was sleeping with, where I was spending nights out or anything…..they didn’t know.
After a few years of this it could drive any boy crazy and it drove my American boy crazy. Last year after months me being hot and cold, he just completely left me and named me a siren. It’s actually one of the nicer names that I have been called. I’ve been called all kind of hoes, sluts, whores and even someone who has a commitment phobia. Even though some of the guys basically started to run away after they knew what they were in for. And, to tell you the truth its kind of true. Before, I met my last boyfriend, I was a hoe and was getting multiple times a month with guys that I had maybe known less than an hour.
After meeting my first boyfriend I was forever changed….I am changed. I know what its like to be loved in a real way. I know what its like to love something more than I love myself. And, I can tell you that it’s the best thing that ever happened in my life even if the relationship was bad. And, I want to love that way again. I want to love someone but I just can’t. Before it was just not good to have this double life. And, now that all of my business is in the street and things have come to what they are, it’s just not fair to love someone. Its not fair to give an innocent person a love that could harm them.
The reality is not once in ten years has a guy said to me, “Be my boyfriend” and actually meant it. So no one has ever had the chance to witness or experience my love and level of commitment. I’m highly committed to the people I love and treat me right. You could say awful things to me and tell me not to write you again but I’m going to be here for you. If you need me, I’m going to be here. When some loved you or has really done something for, you can’t let it die. Real love is patient, kind, it forgives and much more. I’ve got my limits with some people and I know when its over but I think I know when its real. Im here for you!
Now I’m trying to get my life together. I’m trying to be serious about my decisions. There are a few people I care about. But, I can’t bring myself to believe there is something serious is going to happen. My life is getting worse and worse. The people around me are so tyrannical, my family is so judgmental, I’m losing more and more friends, and there are no real opportunities. I’ve always wanted the fairy tale since I was a boy but I could never manage to make it happen for myself. Most boys want the porno instead of the fairy tale and the ones that do want the fairy tale are other Julia’s looking for their Richard Gere. At this point, I just want people to see me for who I am. They can love me, hate me or lie about me but I just want them to get to know me. That’s what I owe the American boy at least. And, if it gets serious with any other guy, I’ve got to give him a chance…..opportunity doesn't knock too often. Love might save me from facing the flatline alone.
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