But, it's very troublesome to think about how impossible life is. The fact that I live in a world where one side can control so much....influence so much....and hurt so much. And, it might not always be the intention but it happens.
No one really talks! And, I know that a lot of things are not about me. But, none of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. What other people don't recognize or even care about is at the end of the day everything they do affects my life. Every fight, words, restriction or anything affects my life.
We live in a world where you have to get out there. You have to be seen and involved in order to just stay on top of your life. Being indoors so much is as much a burden as it is a blessing. It's great to be able to not have to worry about working if I don't want to. But, I'm watching my life pass me by. I'm watching myself lose everything. And, I can't replace "real" things. I can't replace real friends just as much as I can't find a new job.
Being here, where I am now, it's like living in a box and trying to be forced into a mold of life that was never my life. I'm not interested it doesn't appeal to me. And, it's all happening by force. People yell and scream that violence is all abound. If I could say the world pictures of my friends; the pictures alone would show you that I don't hang out with violent people. I'm a gay man....beyond the few issues that gay men care about. Most gay men just want to fuck and spend money at the end of the day.
The difference that I noticed among the people between the people I've invited in to my life versus the entertainment I'm surrounded by is.....the invites are spectators and commentary. They don't try to control other people as much as they think about my life. The entertainment is not just something to watch anymore; it's coming out of the tv screen. It's coming in your home and physically rearranging things. It's one thing to fight someone or be at odds with some but it's a completely different thing to hurt someone else's livelihood because they have an opinion or know something about you. When you act like this, how could I be interested in what you have to offer? Am I suppose to cheer you on for hurting people that I have shared my life and love with. If it was right, none of you would have to run away and hide....ever.
Yesterday a friend of mines on Facebook said something along the lines as "it's better to have never known one at all". And, I realize I'm that guy to maybe handfuls of people. I feel like maybe I should just walk away from everything and everybody before things get rough for more people. Just let all the bad things fall on top of me.
But, a thought came to me before I did something so impulsive. I just had a thought to ask an old flame. We never talk or have conversations anymore; so I took a real chance in even trying to ask him my two questions. I wanted to know what he thought about me. So I asked! How far would he have taken things (between us)? And, would he accept my family and friends? I wanted to know that if I would have chosen him or so other local guy, could he have loved me despite doing what he is doing. Would he have pushed me away from all I know and forced me to live his life. It would have made all the difference in the world if he would have had the right answers. But, he said, "Would they accept me?". Right then and there, I decided that, "It would have been a struggle to date him". I might have had more but it would have felt like less being that I want to feel free. But, the absolute truth is no matter which road I go, I'm going to struggle but I'd rather struggle with people I know.
I'm not going to judge those guys and I guess things will play out how there suppose to. But, I wish I could get answers to every question that I've posed in blog post. It would make such a difference.
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