The Proof Is In The Static

Just last night I was writing about how hopeful I was for life in the city. And, today was just proof that I'm never going to be able to make my own choices without interferences. Proof that if I want to make a change with my life, like to quit smoking...there is going to be a problem. 

There is no hope here for me. And, if there is hope, it exists in a man that I am going to have to bow down and tap dance for. My livelihood will depend on a man. And, that's even more depressing than being in captivity. 

And, having to tip toe around town and with old friends is depressing. It's just being in a bigger cage. Today a friend told me that he hopes that I, "evolve in to the person that I really am" so that I can have peace and harmony in my life. 

Peace is not just being at peace with yourself and with the world. Peace is also being at peace with other people. Other people with the means, can afford to live life without the peace and cooperation of others. Meanwhile the rest of us have to tip toe. And, the goal of people like us who have to tip toe is to open a dialogue. It is to find common ground and maybe an understanding. But, other people would like to keep their walls up. It's a game for most other people with a goal of beating the other. But, no one can really win if were not playing the same game. 

It is my hope and dream that people will come to see that these games and intrigues cost more than they imagine. It's your honor and your name. Yeah, your a bad ass but your also a tyrant. Someone who can't be reasoned with or can let go. 

There have been so many occasions that I got the boot and ax dropped on me before I could even get out the gate. Most people are worried about other people in my life but to this day, since I've been here....not one of my foreign but possibly some of my Americans have hurt anyone in my everyday life. Often times I worry about making new friends because I see what's happened with the old ones. And, I don't want to give my curse to other unsuspecting people. But, if I can't hang out with my old friends and I can't exactly make new ones....what can I do. I've got no choice but to have more foreign friends. 

It's upsetting and I can't think of any positives about today. I wish I had something positive to say. I've seen countless people mount up against a threat but not a handful of to try get jobs and things going on. I don't see mountains of people trying to do anything positive or the normal things that should be done for someone like me. 

What should I expect there are a bunch of people going at each other's necks and being tinkered with by the same source. It's madness and inhuman! The same social problems were seeing in the news, were seeing on micro levels within our community. Focus on security and not invests or education. Racism! Discrimination against social classes, foreign countries, transgendered and more. I'm sad! 

Now I'm saying hypothetically, if something bad did happen, based on me, would it be justified? Or is what's happening in my life, okay? Is this normal? Am I asking for too much and not doing enough? I feel like if I understood then maybe things could be different. Everyone says to me that your family is at risk. But, if they are at risk over me and not doing anything to change or give hope.....should I care? I feel like that's not my problem; I've done and said what I could. There is nothing I can do to change minds or make people like me. I'm just some tv show or vote in tv competition. I don't know what to say, do or think. I don't know people expect of me. Am I suppose to say, "screw me over, I hope nothing bad happens to you".