Winning Isn't Everything!

The older that I get, the more that I see that the only competition in life is the competition that you create. I've never really liked to compete unless it was in a game and that's purely for the sake of sportsmanship. 

And, now everything is purely competition in my life. It's all for the sake of winning. But, when you accept people for who they are and you let things play out. And, you give them the chance to be themselves; feel how they want to feel or do what they want.....it becomes different. 

So you might run over and so it might sooth their ego but what does it matter. The difference is and I can say that "hey, well atleast I never treated you the way that you treated me". And, I know a lot people could place complaints and say all kind of things. But, the only thing I can say right now is, "Is anything I am doing, worse than what your doing right now?". And, if I were closer to you then wouldn't you expect me to be exactly who I am right now, if not more. 

And, it shocks me the most when the people around me can't see that the people I know want the absolute best for me. And, in maybe some cases could provide it better than they could. It just reminds me of a story that my mom told me. She was invited to Oxford University in London. But, my grandfather was so stuck in his way and mind set that he forbid her to go. And, I wonder how my Mom's life would have been different. Maybe she would be married and taken care. She wouldn't have suffered the abuses of life that she has suffered since. God knows she would have been better off with out me and my brother. 

Now I am not saying I am perfect or void of emotion. But, I am saying some people are the worst, they bring out the worst in you, they will cast you out because your different and most importantly I am saying that if I fight you then you can not see who I am. 

If I fight you all you will see is the anger you birthed in me. And, win or lose you will see the competition in me. Something you should easily see, in most of yourselves. Even now that I am technically conquered, my spirit is naturally driven to resist.....so you still can't see me. 

And, even now when people talk so boldly and openly about how they will conquer, how their savior is back, how life will be better for them and how safe things will be. I'm not phased; I'm just feel decided. There is going to come a day where things either change, I move or I kill myself. It's as simple as that; it sounds morbid. But, I'm not prepared to be an outsider in the world, in my family or in my city for the rest of my life.

A life with no goals, experiences, friends, destinations, love or sex is not worth living. A life where you can be cursed at and shamed because someone else's ego is hurt, is not worth living. A life where your happiness and future are not a consideration, is not worth living. It's dying a little more each day. I'm not sad about these things any more. It's the choice you make, call me crazy if you want but it looks easier and easier the more time goes by. 

You've made it quite clear that your madness is worth more than my life; dead or alive. With no one around, they'll be no one to even miss me. And, life goes on, you'll have your savior and happiness. You can do what you want. It won't matter.