Three Things

In all of my misery and all of my dispair there are three things that I have always said. 

1. Nothing bad or good can last forever. 
2. You can’t be the cause and the cure. 
3. I dont want to cause anyone any pain they have given me but I pray that they know and feel what they do. Just as I want to learn from pain, I think others should too. 

There are so many things that are technically not in my place or power to talk about. For many years, I was just paralyzed by fear. For so long I was shocked and disgusted by what I saw my life….my world becoming to. And, since there was nothing that I could do, I did something that I was never able to do. 

And, when it finally got to be so much and everyone that I knew personally and for many years, I just began to speak up and speak out. After years of working out and educating myself, I was just losing everything. And, finally I started blogging and confiding with close friends. Some of you might even think of me as crazy for doing it. But, I’ll tell you one thing, I m more afraid of people who keep their crazy in their heads versus out. Most people who keep their crazy in eventually explode. 

Anyway, now so much has happened. I can't count how many times i’ve cried and prayed. How many times I wished I could just snap my fingers and be anyway else in the world. And, it’s nothing but my faith, medication, my desire to do well and positive thinking that has helped me stay sane. Yeah, things are okay now, living where I live now, things are okay. And, I am grateful for the kind words and gestures from people these days. But, I’m just soooo fed up! 

I wish I could say that I was a normal person and that I would wake in the morning with nothing but the regular strains of life. But, when I look out my window I think about how much I hate the red paint on these buildings. I think about losing friends here and far. I think about laying in bed for days because the first man that I managed to love in years was leaving me. He didn't have to say it, I just knew. I think about all the times I was played and made a fool of by so many. Plus much more!  

And, I lay here and I think about all the things that I heard. Things about my weight, parts of my body, how I will never match to my brother, my impending doom, the yells to shut up, your crazy, your stupid and much more. And, no matter how far away that I go and how much I try to brush it off….its still there. And, I really don’t want to hate people because when you hate people you do hurt the other person. You only end up hurting yourself because the other person can’t feel your hate. Which is part of the reason I wish people understood what they do. 

In my mind, I imagine that things will work out fine. That I am dramatic partially because I am in the moment; I’m in the midst of the situation. When your going through some painful or uncomfortable ordeal, your not yourself. Your in fight or flight mode and if your nothing that your that your somewhere between tired and fed up. I’m going to be fine and I am going to be positive. Things will work out how they are suppose to but I just don’t feel like going through it here anyway. Im tired of being the person that has been molded from all the negativity. 

Life is beautiful! Today I went out to get lunch in between talking to two new guys, one that lives in the desert part of the state and another in a not so distant state. They are great! But, just like my “porn star”, I worry for them and about them. That’s my negativity showing up again but its also my experience talking. What to do?