My first love was maybe the biggest lesson of my life. It taught me soo much. All my life I had love for people in my life but when your young you dont know exactly what love and friendship is. It’s one thing to have morals and do things because they are the right thing to do. But, it’s completely a different thing to have morals and understand all the feelings of those morals. Like you can love something but unless you have had to love while it hurts, until it hurts and love yourself enough then you will only know one side of love. It took me to fall in love with my first love to know what real love and friendship is.
The two friends that I have had the longest are both girls. One older and christian. Then there was me, gay and crazy. Then the youngest, WILD and cool. We’ve been friends since we were 12 years old so at this point, its almost 16 years of friendship. Unfortunately, the last eight years of our relationship has been a struggle. We have each gone down our own paths, marriages, children, graduations, abuse, drugs and all manner of things. The wild and happy little girls that once came to me with everything or now women, wives and mothers who take care of everything and themselves.
And, there are so many issues between us now. Sometimes I want to ask the older one did we become so distant because I was gay. Was when I got on drugs the breaking point? I needed you girl. I needed you badly. And, I miss you! That’s a hard question to ask but dealing with the younger one is always harder. The common thread that me and her share is that we were both crazy, wild and cool. And, that does not make for an easy life when you get older. Its great to be the sexually active teen, who smokes, drinks, does drugs and ditches school. But, by the time you get to be about 23 to 25, you will have been through some hard shit over the bad choices you’ve made.
During the last eight years of our friendship, she became a mother so no matter what she was doing, she had to carry on and provide for her child. She was kind of built that way. As a matter of fact, I think we both were at one point in time. Growing I was kind of emotionally numb; I wasn't a cryer. I didn't let anything stop me and I was always up for adventure; near or far. I’d hop on a bus or whatever to go do what I wanted. But, I’d like to think that there is some cosmic reason for the emotional mess Ive become now. But, breaking down….helped break up a lot of relationships I had in the past. Lastly, its hard to have all of my old friends, who once considered me their equal and though of me highly, now act like my parent or warden.
Recently we had a disagreement because I hurt her. Yes, I hurt her but it was on accident and no I didn’t physically hurt her. She writes me an email on the same day that I wrote They Say Vision which was the 16th of this month. In five messages it went all wrong. She says that she loved me and forgived me. Then I said sorry again, explained in detail what happened and told her how proud I am of her as a mother. And, she gets upset all over again and claims that I dont understand. So I tell her that I do understand now but I wanted her to understand that the incident that took place was over and done in maybe three minutes. She claimed that it was her business but I wasn't tell her business and since we havent been close over the last 8 years how could I tell her business. So emotions and things were running high, so I suggested we talk later. The truth is I dont like to argue with friends. Losing my first relationship taught me what love should do and what were doing wasn’t love.
I know that if our conversation was to continue I would have said something really nasty. And, I have a few valid complaints. She ended the conversation with saying how real friends dont need breaks and that they talk through things. But, the truth is there was no talking to her like friends do. She hyped up and still upset! There was nothing I could do to make things better. And, I wanted to say that real friends honor relationships. Real friends dont become close with their friends parents that they tell all of your business, think they are your parent, never call to just ask if you can drop your kids off and more. That’s not what real friends do! Real friends put their relationship in front of a few things and keep some things sacred. Real friends are allies with you and not their mothers. They respect each others feelings and talk about things. I love her and I love her mother but she would go crazy on me if I did to her, what she has done to me. But, I can tell you what a real friend does, accepts, forgives and forgets. And, I accept who she is in my life because despite it all I still love the little girl inside of her. And, I love the children that she has given me.
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