Boxes

It just keeps on pouring down with bad news and just setbacks. It’s discouraging not because it’s happened but because you worked so hard to stop this single thing from happening. And, with every failure of all sorts, someone is taking and taking names. Just so that one day and some how they can throw a wrench in more of plans. And, even if it’s not deliberate, your failures are opportunities for the next person. If it was just a matter of someone else getting a job I had or wanted, well God bless them. But, no….it’s not just a job or something like that, It’s my life. 

You know what is really discouraging is when the pulling down comes from people that you love, people that are like you or that have been continuously doing it for years. It’s just like that age old saying, “crabs in a barrel”. Everybody wants something or wants something for you. But, the minute you start doing something different and shit starts to get complicated or different for them then they are ready to pull you back down with them. Furthermore, when it comes from someone who dislikes you or wants to pull you down anyway. The act becomes more than subconscious psychological thing, an element of revenge, punishment and winning comes into play. And, I resent that! 

But, what’s really resentful is having people in your life, that try to force you to do things so that something or someone is out of their way. It’s no secret that these days, every body is always thinking about something and somebody. But, sometimes, there are times that I am alone and I am savoring the time alone. Time to really check in with myself and kind of get grounded. Time where no body is really around suggesting anything. We all need time to think instead of just doing. 

The truth is I know what I need to do. I know what I want for my life. But, my life is a lot like my struggle with dieting and weight. Most of the time, I don’t have the money, the resources, the will, the support and/even the health. My hands are tied behind my back and the desire is there but the circumstances are just not. And, I wish that I could just get things done without too much trouble but there is always another box. If I have to go to the store, if I have a dentist appointment, if I talk this person, if I dont respond to this message, if I have sex, if I love, if I say too much, if I dont say enough, if I eat this, if I wear this, if I lose weight, if I stop smoking………there always another box. 

For example, if I meet a boy that I like……thats always the time when I meet all kinds of other men. Men that are interested, kind and attractive. Well, I know what I want and I know what I want to do. But, here are all these other guys that seem like they are just ready to go. And, I am so ready to gooooooooooooooo. But, I always remember that this is how temptation and karma work. 

I’m just really tired of this life and it’s redundancies. I’m tried of being with people that don’t care. These days you hear more and more people say that they dont care or that’s something is stupid. And, maybe that’s the problem these days, there just aren’t enough people who care about things outside of yourself. I’ll tell you guys one thing, if you were on your knees and had to depend on the kindness of strangers on a street full of mean people. You’d care, you’d care about a lot of things. How do I know? Well its because this is the second time in my life that this has happened to me. The kindness of strangers is so rare. And, genuine kindness is even more rare. And, I’m so happy that I can say that there are at least two handfuls of people that really care about me. That love is keeping me alive!