Idaho

There is no substitute for the truth. There is nothing like it; I love the truth. I like to tell the truth and I like to be told the truth, Why? Well, its quite simple…..the truth sets you free. And, I love being free or feeling free far more than anything else. These days I find that it annoys or upsets people these days. And, I think because people think keeping secrets is the only way to live. I’ve tried to keep secrets but its a heavy burden to bare especially when your alone and its hurting you. 

So tonight I will share a story with you guys that I have never really told. Okay…..so here it goes. For years before our first meeting in 2013, “Man” and I had been sharing messages. So I had recently come back in town from a trip to London (or it could have been before) and I said to myself, “Lets meet”. And, “Man” agreed.

It was February 3, 2013, Super Bowl Sunday. I just remember driving there and praying that my car wouldn’t over heat as I was having some major car troubles at the time. But, I made it there. Opera played loudly from and adjacent apartment. So I called him and tried his intercom but no answer. So I decided to wait and finally I get a reply from him, he was in the shower. 

He comes downstairs in a towel and guides me up to his tiny studio apartment. He gets dressed and we sit on the couch. We proceed to talk for hours; we talked about everything and nothing. He was really interested in my life and I was really interested in him. And, I liked that! Whats so special about “Man” is that man is a trans person. No he was not born a woman and he is not living his life as a woman anymore but he is trans. Its a long story! 

So we decide that we had, had enough chatter. He gets out the massage chair and we practice on each other. Then of course, you can guess what happened next. 

A few days later, I noticed that I was having some irritation down there. Now I had, had sex with two people in the course of two weeks. It was a really good month for me. The other partner was a steady partner, a sexy latino guy. So I was pretty sure it wasn’t him that I had to worry about. So I knew if it was something, that it had something to do with “Man”. So I mention it in passing to my “British Guy”. No evil words were exchanged because I didn’t even know if it was something to be worried about. 

So I mentioned it to “Man” and he is not happy about it. I’m not making a huge deal out of it because I’ve been burned before. And, on top of that I’ve got a few like bladder infections or whatever. So he is telling me how it’s not even possible for him to transmit things. And, so I am curious to know how thats even possible or anything like that. But, all it does is upset him and he just becomes really defensive. He felt like I was accusing him! So things have never been the same between us. 

So I went ahead and went to the doctor. My favorite place on Figueroa. And, I’m getting urine tests and blood work. So I let them know that there was the irritation and they examined the area. The doctor couldn't see anything wrong but I think I was given antibiotics just in case. So I went home and wait for a call. Even though I was hoping that I wouldn't get one. You know that if you get a call then something is wrong. So fortunately, I didn't get a call. 

I’ve been in touch with “Man” but there is no real way to recover from what happened between us. Were a lot better than we were. But, there is this wall between us that was bigger than the issue. So big that we could never really connect again which is painful for me because its rare that I meet people that are my kind of crazy. Someone whose been there some painful emotional things like me and can understand. Normally I avoid him and his area of Weho. The last time I was even nearby for more than 20 minutes was when I went to go visit a friend from Europe at the Ramada. But, then I saw Alexis Arquette, David Arquette’s trangendered sister and once popular actor, in the elevator of the hotel. Then I was taken back to him. Nowadays, I just want a friend but everyone I reach out to from the past….it just turns out ugly. 

There are so many secrets and issues between me and everyone I know in this town. But, its not just that, thats gumming up the works. Its the words that we never get to say to each other anymore. Its the words that are said behind our backs. The words that we can’t confirm and deny. The words that frame us and make the lies look true. And, I know that this has happened between me and a lot of people. There is no way that I can make that better especially with people who are not interested or out of my reach.