Occurrence: Disclaimer

If your reading my blog or checking out my tumblr......if you can't interpret something or don't understand it then you should probably leave it alone. 

Three Things

In all of my misery and all of my dispair there are three things that I have always said. 

1. Nothing bad or good can last forever. 
2. You can’t be the cause and the cure. 
3. I dont want to cause anyone any pain they have given me but I pray that they know and feel what they do. Just as I want to learn from pain, I think others should too. 

There are so many things that are technically not in my place or power to talk about. For many years, I was just paralyzed by fear. For so long I was shocked and disgusted by what I saw my life….my world becoming to. And, since there was nothing that I could do, I did something that I was never able to do. 

And, when it finally got to be so much and everyone that I knew personally and for many years, I just began to speak up and speak out. After years of working out and educating myself, I was just losing everything. And, finally I started blogging and confiding with close friends. Some of you might even think of me as crazy for doing it. But, I’ll tell you one thing, I m more afraid of people who keep their crazy in their heads versus out. Most people who keep their crazy in eventually explode. 

Anyway, now so much has happened. I can't count how many times i’ve cried and prayed. How many times I wished I could just snap my fingers and be anyway else in the world. And, it’s nothing but my faith, medication, my desire to do well and positive thinking that has helped me stay sane. Yeah, things are okay now, living where I live now, things are okay. And, I am grateful for the kind words and gestures from people these days. But, I’m just soooo fed up! 

I wish I could say that I was a normal person and that I would wake in the morning with nothing but the regular strains of life. But, when I look out my window I think about how much I hate the red paint on these buildings. I think about losing friends here and far. I think about laying in bed for days because the first man that I managed to love in years was leaving me. He didn't have to say it, I just knew. I think about all the times I was played and made a fool of by so many. Plus much more!  

And, I lay here and I think about all the things that I heard. Things about my weight, parts of my body, how I will never match to my brother, my impending doom, the yells to shut up, your crazy, your stupid and much more. And, no matter how far away that I go and how much I try to brush it off….its still there. And, I really don’t want to hate people because when you hate people you do hurt the other person. You only end up hurting yourself because the other person can’t feel your hate. Which is part of the reason I wish people understood what they do. 

In my mind, I imagine that things will work out fine. That I am dramatic partially because I am in the moment; I’m in the midst of the situation. When your going through some painful or uncomfortable ordeal, your not yourself. Your in fight or flight mode and if your nothing that your that your somewhere between tired and fed up. I’m going to be fine and I am going to be positive. Things will work out how they are suppose to but I just don’t feel like going through it here anyway. Im tired of being the person that has been molded from all the negativity. 

Life is beautiful! Today I went out to get lunch in between talking to two new guys, one that lives in the desert part of the state and another in a not so distant state. They are great! But, just like my “porn star”, I worry for them and about them. That’s my negativity showing up again but its also my experience talking. What to do?

Sharing Is Caring

Well I want to try and write something positive. So many times I've looked at my friends and saw them in need or saw something that could improve their lives. And, I've opened my mouth or wallet to make sure that atleast things are at the very least known to them. I can't help myself when I love anyone, I want the best for them. 

And sometimes that does not translate well. I don't think most of my friends have ever had a friend like me. If that's the truth, then it would be nice to hear it sometimes. Lol! But, I think that it's translated as me trying to be a parent or someone who smothers. However, that's not the case. 

After a lot of debate, I saw the error of my ways. So I try to give less advice and more support because that's what we all need these days. I think so many of us are scared of each or so cautious, that we miss out on the blessing sharing an experience. Now I'm not tooting my own horn but my friends are sharing the experience of me. That's something worth coming together over. 

Anyway, I just want to say that I have a lot of love for people. Even for some people I should want to hate. If anything I don't hate my old friends, I'm just extemely disappointment. It always hurts when you love or respect someone more than they care for you. 

Well that's it for tonight!! Maybe there will be something juicy later. 

Bum-Bum (Flatline)

It’s no secret that I have loved many men in the light and in the dark. It’s not because I am scared but because I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter if the guy is from this side of the tracks or on the other side of the ocean. There is a guy right now in America that I have tired to love since 2009. Over the years we've lost touch, we've forgotten each other, got hot and heavy over the phone, and talked like old friends. We would get so close and snap…..we flatlined.  

Life goes on…..everyday is another struggle, sickness and heartbreak. So I moved on….I’m making dates her, I’m getting turned down for jobs there and I’m fighting for just every single moment of quiet, sanity, friendship or anything else. And, I tried my hardest to save face for public, for my family and my best friend. Two years ago, if you asked them what was going on in my life; who I was sleeping with, where I was spending nights out or anything…..they didn’t know. 

 After a few years of this it could drive any boy crazy and it drove my American boy crazy. Last year after months me being hot and cold, he just completely left me and named me a siren. It’s actually one of the nicer names that I have been called. I’ve been called all kind of hoes, sluts, whores and even someone who has a commitment phobia. Even though some of the guys basically started to run away after they knew what they were in for. And, to tell you the truth its kind of true. Before, I met my last boyfriend, I was a hoe and was getting multiple times a month with guys that I had maybe known less than an hour. 

After meeting my first boyfriend I was forever changed….I am changed. I know what its like to be loved in a real way. I know what its like to love something more than I love myself. And, I can tell you that it’s the best thing that ever happened in my life even if the relationship was bad. And, I want to love that way again. I want to love someone but I just can’t. Before it was just not good to have this double life. And, now that all of my business is in the street and things have come to what they are, it’s just not fair to love someone. Its not fair to give an innocent person a love that could harm them. 

The reality is not once in ten years has a guy said to me, “Be my boyfriend” and actually meant it. So no one has ever had the chance to witness or experience my love and level of commitment. I’m highly committed to the people I love and treat me right. You could say awful things to me and tell me not to write you again but I’m going to be here for you. If you need me, I’m going to be here. When some loved you or has really done something for, you can’t let it die. Real love is patient, kind, it forgives and much more. I’ve got my limits with some people and I know when its over but I think I know when its real. Im here for you!

Now I’m trying to get my life together. I’m trying to be serious about my decisions. There are a few people I care about. But, I can’t bring myself to believe there is something serious is going to happen. My life is getting worse and worse. The people around me are so tyrannical, my family is so judgmental, I’m losing more and more friends, and there are no real opportunities. I’ve always wanted the fairy tale since I was a boy but I could never manage to make it happen for myself. Most boys want the porno instead of the fairy tale and the ones that do want the fairy tale are other Julia’s looking for their Richard Gere. At this point, I just want people to see me for who I am. They can love me, hate me or lie about me but I just want them to get to know me. That’s what I owe the American boy at least. And, if it gets serious with any other guy, I’ve got to give him a chance…..opportunity doesn't knock too often. Love might save me from facing the flatline alone. 

Side Effects

You know as much as I can debate and talk about the inconsistencies of other people, places and things....I don't often talk about the side effects of the restrictions and setbacks that come along with it. 

I know what things are for me and what they mean for me. But then there's what things really are and the reality of certain situations. Like for example, I want a job and I'm a good worker. I just want a simple job that's removed of my past and respects my present. But, after working on some job related stuff with friends I've come to realize some truths about myself. This is what I told a friend....

"I've just recognized that me getting a job and looking for one is like going back to school after years away. You don't have that energy and fight that everyone else has because they are used to the whole rat race. After like a couple days of work I feel like I've worked for weeks without a break. I'm just not used to having to do something everyday anymore. I haven't been able to keep a job for longer than a month since like December 2011. I can keep friends a little longer but just like those jobs, I say fuck it if it ain't right. I'm really gonna have to kick my ass to make things happen; I'm a little scared. Since I'm going to get my Masters degree, I need a part time gig that I can ease myself into. I'm a good worker and I'll work with anyone. I just can't deal with the work place drama and having people come down on; I've had some horrible bosses. I like cohesion, discretion and positivity". 

This is the truth about myself and I know that my people problems extend from something else that's gone wrong in my life and it's not just my mental illness. I love people! I would love to have a group of fabulous gay men that includes business professionals, models, nerds, medical professionals, regular joes and whoever else that's cool. The irony is I already know a lot of fabulous gay men. And, I've been accepted as I am!!! But, at the same time I have a lot of history and bad history with people. So it kind of sucks to be with the wrong people or not just the wrong people but to be with people you have to worry about. No one wants to have to feel like you have to second guess your friends. You could give me a friend but if I second guess you then I am going to second guess the friend. 

Now that I have all these people coming in and out of life, I'm happy to have the interest and to have people put the effort into me. I just feel so blessed! But, I just feel like I have to watch people and that's not cool. I don't want to come off as unreliable, sketchy or even scared. Those are not attractive qualities or features to have. It makes me look bad or like I am not able to receive what's coming my way. Like for example, I had a great talk with my "porno guy" last night. He flirted, "asked me to have his baby" but I turned it to a more serious direction. So I asked him basically if he was going to stick around for that "baby". All the time, guy love to put it in you but don't like to keep the job. And, I need real people in my life. 

But, all of this explains why I like travel and meeting new people from different places. There is no bias (usually) even if there is pretense. But, it's also all so new! And, we can live, work and play together. But, in the end it's all about freedom. And, the freedom to get away from my problems. The freedom to try to start my life over. The thing I've been saying for so long. I might have problems and issues but I know what I need. I just wish other people could recognize when your relationship is destroyed. And, my relationship is over and done with so many people but we all keep faking it. We all try to keep it going but we aren't getting anywhere here. 

I Hate Inglewood

I really fucking hate Inglewood and dislike the hell out of everybody in a 20 mile radius. Today my patience and kindness ran extremely thin. When I am not on my medication not only do I have to deal with the occasional fit of depression/anxiety but I also have to deal with anger. When your on medication your numb and when your off it.....your battling to contain your self at all times. 

You have to always be aware. And, it gets to a point where you get so anal because your looking for stressors. You avoid certain people and you avoid certain things because they might compromise you. And, it's not that your even going to look crazy or over react. But, it's the fact when you have a mental illness and you have a bad day then the general reaction is, "Well, he is crazy". And, your cut down and discredited. 

But, I'm lucky enough to hardly even get mad.....to be mean or to be cruel. So I'm sorry to be upset but in way do I regret being upset. Since I hardly ever am this way, I feel better now. There is not a real emotional way to get it out besides crying (which is something else to be frowned upon). So I feel good! 

I think I've got to come to some real realizations. I know more people that don't like me and really just people out on the table.....every one from my old job at Unger Fabrik, to my old address at 2257, various parts of Orange County, family, to my next door neighbors and all the surrounding ones hate me. Then the states of Georgia, Colorado, Washington and Washington D.C. Then there is Australia and maybe every Asian country you can imagine. 

And, if that's not enough, I've got a lot of people that I call friends that really don't care about me anymore. If there is any percent of the world that cares about they are just spots compared to the big blotches that could pull the trigger if they could. But, there's this fifty mile radius of people around my home of people that don't care about me.....you'd think that would be enough. But, it's not because not even one government (local or national) agency that thinks enough of me. 

Well, I know most of you are thinking I am having a "woe is me" moment but the truth is, it is the truth. Most people think love is in the obligations; I've done this or that. But, love is in the sacrifices not in just the small ones but in the big ones. I've made so many sacrifices for people, some that they didn't know about and some that they did. Love is in the details. Maybe it's foolish to think about love when your worth about as much as a job to most. 

I've heard it said next to me and around me that the sorrow is over when I give it up.....when sorrow gets what it wants. That's when the job is done. Even if I wanted to, have no power to give anybody something that I don't have. I can't even keep the friends I have or keep my family off my back. If I knew what to do without being stabbed in the back at every god damn instance I would have done it. But, the truth is there is nothing that I can do. 

There is a beautiful man on Scruff, I mean a men's fitness or DNA mag or at the very least porn star level sexy, that thinks on beautiful and wants to sleep with me. And, I can't really even be his friend because I know, in my heart that even if it's one night, it's going to hurt. It may not hurt that not but maybe the morning after. And, it won't just be me that he'll hurt. He will hurt my life or some extension of it. My heart just can't take it again, I can't take another experience of a man just running all over me. When what I need from him desperately, more than sex, is to treat me right and be fair in all aspects of my life/our relationship. It's something I don't get often. It's something that I have lost from the friends I had and it's most definitely something that I don't get at home. I would have been more willing to do it before last Friday. But, my friends and family have completely shown their ass each day more and more since then. My faith in the world has diminished a little more. I don't know how my idea to make more friends at home is going to work. I don't even know if I should give my porn star a chance. But, I guess time will tell, my back up plan is still an option. 

Occurrence

Well I feel like I am officially home. I’ve been home for twelve days and things that seemed to have disappeared, have reappeared. Feelings that I havent felt for maybe a month are back now. This feeling of oppression and being watched are here. Feeling like I can’t move or turn one direction or another. And, its totally depressing! Being in the situation, I kind of can’t help but feel that way. 

Yet on the other hand, I feel like the last few days are proof and testament to the things that I knew and had been saying for soooooo long. And, there is some relief in that but even still you can’t help but feel a little worse because nothing and no one is really going to do anything about it. 

No one ever thinks that their life will start a movement especially a movement against them. And, no one ever really starts out their life and wants to be a cause. But, I guess shit just happens. At least this is the way that I feel about it and myself. Even though I know I am so much more than all of this. 

Right Now, I am not exactly sure of what I am going to do next but I have some fabulous ideas. So I guess will just see how it all works out.