The Last Time We Talked

There are some situations that I dont talk about. There is a code that we have in the hood that says “No Snitching”. Now I kind of walk the fine line between talking about my business and telling other peoples business. And, what I am going to talk about is somebody else’s business. But, a while back I kind of got an okay to talk about this and I hope that okay is still valid today. 

The story actually begins in May of 2012, we were moving from our old place to our current place. The neighborhood was a totally different place. At that time, there was no pretense. There were people that I met on the first day that were so kind and offered us moving carts and all kinds of stuff to help us move in. My best female friend got another old school friends of ours and a friend of hers to help me move our stuff in. By the end of the day, they were gone, my ipod was missing and I was exhausted. 

Even though I was tired, I went ahead and started to move stuff on my own. In the front of my building there is a clearing. You could kind of call it a balcony to the street and a muscular black guy called out to me. He asked if I needed help. And, I said yes plus offered to pay him. Front the night on we stayed in contact always chatting when we say each other around the building. He lived in the building next door but he was always over here. And, from what I can tell, everyone in this building knew him and loved him. Even I loved him! 

When things were changing in the apartment complex. He saw me and on the street running one night and he pulled me over for a conversation. He told me that everyone in this apartment complex was nice and very helpful. And, I told him that, that was great! He knew nothing of my past and I wanted no one to know about it. So I told him, “I just want to stay to myself. I don’t want to get involved with anybody. I don’t want to have any trouble or drama”. He respected that and we talked about him going to college….something that he wanted to do and some other things. 

On November 27th, while my family was on vacation in Arizona for Thanksgiving, I was home alone and bored. At the time, my friend Omar and I were going through it. For some reason, he was acting different in our friendship and I wanted to show him some love. He loves clothes and he loved to get all my old skinny clothes. So this next paragraph is a blog post that I wrote in my old blog on November 28th at 3:15 AM. 

So on a whim I decided to go and give away some of my old clothes to a friend. Ended up meeting with him and another friend. Had a wonderful conversation about all kinds of things under the sun. Which was very healthy, healing and some what fun. But, that was not the cherry on top of the night. So after this meeting, I went to Mc Donalds and then made my way home. To be told by a police officer that I can't go in my house. They were looking for an armed man. So now I have to park on the street away from my house while cops and ghetto birds (choppers) flying all over the place. After almost an hour, I can go in the house. So I go in my building, park underground, come up the steps and go down the walk way then BAM! There was a gun laying out in the open. So I hurry down the steps and speed walk to the front of the building. There I call the cops and wait for them. They come and pick up the gun and escort me to the door. It was scary but awesome!

So what I didn't talk about in this blog post was what happened just before I left. So I gathered up all the clothes and made my way down stairs. And, I went to the garage and there was the guy, my friend, sitting next to my car with a young girl. They were drinking alcohol and laughing. But, he left her side and ran up to me. He asked me for a cigarette like he always does. He asked where I was going. And, when I looked at him, it almost looked like he wanted to come with me. And, I almost asked him but I resisted. We said our goodbyes and that was it. So all those things happened in the paragraph above. 

That night I listened to screams and got phone calls from the police. Then I got paranoid because who ever left that gun might have seen me give it to the police. The next morning or that night I called my Mom and told her what happened. Naturally she freaked out and was ready to come home. But, I told her everything is fine and she came home on schedule a few days later. 

After being in the apartment alone for days or weeks, there was no food in the house. So my Mom decided to walk to the store. When she got back, she told me that she saw a memorial to my friend in the building on the street. And, then it all dawned on me; the screams, the gun and everything. Somebody killed my friend! The only friend that I had in the area. My feelings were hurt and there was no one in the building that I could say what happened to. I couldn't tell his family the story because I didn't know who they were. 

After that I stopped running in the area and only have a few times since then. I miss him! He was a good guy. And, I hope that his family and friends, got some justice and relief over his passing. If not they deserve some, nobody so young should die so senselessly. God bless him! There are only three people that I have told this story to…my friend in London and my friends in Belgium. But, now I share this story with you guys. Cherish people! I just never thought I would be one of the last people to see or talk to someone before he died. 

http://laissezfaireusa.blogspot.com/2012/11/occurrence_28.html?zx=c63085ffe93a900e

Fair Weather For Food

Today I’m not feeling pretty. To be honest I am feeling ugly and bloated. I didn't know it was all the way possible to get tired of your self. Tired of bad stuff, complex people and tired of feeling bad (mentally and physically). Maybe a more accurate description of how I feel is “I’m sick and tired of being sick and being sick and tired. But, I’m fighting to stay positive and productive because this attitude is self defeating. 

But, I feel as if I could just get this negativity out of my system then I would be alright. Its one of those days that I would delight in taking comfort in my friends; a hug would do me good. But, since none of that is possible normally I would delight myself in one of my favorite food treats but  I think I have been treated enough. It’s funny how the things we want, can cause us so much trouble. 

I’m miserable because of fair weather friends and food. There are so many people who criticize the way that I go about my life. And, it’s true….I’m nuts. I’m completely nuts about the people that love me, that are my friends, that are completely innocent and are unaware. Like if I know that the person next to me has a knife behind their back and it’s destined for you. I know I cant talk that person down but I might be able to save a life. I could try to block, run interference or tell that person. 

The downside is that I have tainted my area. And, everyone in my area is going to want to protect my area but not like I did. Its hard to promote harmony in my life when there are clannish mentalities at play. We all have a sense of who “us” is and then “them”. Until we all can see each other as “us” then it is impossible to care for others. You will always have to make that hard choice and face criticism from others. And, then to face that same kind of criticism from someone who you’ve fought for, who has fallen for you and more. 

That kind of person is fair-weather friend, when things are good, they will talk to you and be there for you. But, when things are down they are telling your business, running your name through the mud and more. Like telling everyone their assumptions of you. And, I don’t know how to deal with that. The only way that I know how to deal with that peacefully is to just leave them. To not feed them anymore about me. 

It’s depressing! I absolutely hate it. And, I find myself in the kitchen rummaging through containers like anything that can be resealed is full of whatever it is that makes Americans fats. And, I find myself eating lots of pre packed; high in sugar, salts and fats. After some of the days that I have dealing with people and work, I don’t have the time or energy to fix something healthy nor the money to eat well. So I try to stuff myself on whatever I can find all while trying not to get sick. 

I know that I have to make some changes but the more that I make changes. It seems like things in my world try hard to bring me right back where I started! This is something that a few friends can testify to. Recently I tried to quit smoking. I’ll spare you the story as even now I am pressed for time. But, I will say that I can’t change or grow alone. If I am in an environment that cant roll with changes in me or that is all in my personal stuff and damaging things that pertain to me then I cant do much. Its safe to say that this is the case with me and its been this way for years. 

Sink or Swim

I'm swimming in new and uncharted waters in my life. It used to be that I ran away when I sensed actual danger but now I run away when I sense the possibility of danger. They say life is about taking chances and accepting the possibility that you might get hurt. Well I’m dealing with more than just the possibility of some hurt feelings. Hurt feelings I can deal with in my own time. But, it’s like to the point where your lifestyle, finances and physical being are in danger just by letting the wrong person into your life. 

And, none of that means anything to anybody. My little life is something I am just very careful about. But, when I look at the results of what I’ve done to myself, I just get upset with myself and I get upset with my life. Two years ago, my life was small like it is now but I had a lot more wiggle room. So I had a few more people I could count on as hook ups and friends; so I had a few places to go. I’d run for at least an hour or so. And, sometimes I would take myself out to the movies or just drive to the beach just to be alone for a little while.

But, I recognize that I don’t do any of those things anymore. I don’t do anything! During those years, I had worries but I could always leave those worries at home and be a semi normal person for a little while. But, these days my problems follow me so closely. So now I stay home! And, in two years I gained over thirty pounds. Where its my fault is that I was in love and got comfortable with just that. Secondly, I started to eat more because I smoked pot. And lastly, the quality of food was not always good. 

Even though I love fast food, soda, ice cream and cakes, I dont have that stuff everyday. But, for some reason the weight just comes on so much faster since I’ve been here. The awkward thing is where I was before my body and joints would lock up and cramp so bad. But, now I am just always exhausted and tired; I just feel sluggish. It’s easy to blame the food and less exercise but I wonder if it’s because or also because I’m not happy. And, I wonder if my lack of social interaction makes these days even harder. 

The truth is I love people especially people of the gay male variety. I love to entertain men. In a past life, I think I most have been a Madam or owned my own brothel. I know this is going to sound crazy but I look at so many gay men and the gay is not there. You know…the happiness! The superficiality and natural protocol of online relationships is there. You know…..”Where are you from”, “More photos” and all that junk. And, every guy wants to and needs to feel special. I love to make people laugh and blush! 

These days I find myself cowering from men. My charm used to really break the ice but its so hard to reach guys these days. I like to make everyone feel like an old friend (and some of them become old friends). But, it is a challenge these days, I don’t know how to handle these guys. I don’t like to be uncomfortable yet at the same time, I dont want to make some one else uncomfortable. So I leave! 

Now I am making a third attempt with a guy that we will call D. At the beginning of this year, if you would have asked me who I wanted to be with….it was him. But then the fear came and it was like he was taken from me. Whether he was right or wrong, the insecurity in me, from what Ive been through could only see him now as someone who was apart of that fear. And, there was nobody that I trusted or knew that could tell me differently. 

But, I know that growing up means swimming in waters like this. It means dealing with people and carrying on. But, growing up also means depending on people and having a foundation in your life. For all of my negative critics, shame on you for judging! I’m making my way in this world with nothing. And, giving away all of my nothing for free. Everything I am not is due to lack of investment and everything I am is due to interest. Could you make your way through the day without any resources and a gang of people on your ass? 

Occurrence

I've said this before and I'll say this again, "Sometimes we get so busy watching our enemies that we forget to watch our friends".  Thats a line from a Bond movie but I feel its something worth reminding people.

Contradictory

Life is interesting! Today a situation came to my attention. My God son’s were staying over and the oldest one was hungry. Normally, thats all you have to say and my mother will feed you. But, his mother said, “All he does when he comes over there is eat”. And, I wondered why he might do such a thing. I know its not because he starving or anything negative. But, I came to the conclusion that he was doing it simply because he was free to indulge himself and to live how he wanted. It might not be such a deep response that you would get from an eight year old. But, seeing this made me think about myself. 

My life is not so different from him. Being at home there is so much that I can’t do. There are so many people that feel the need to reign over me or control; even at this very moment. There are so many restrictions and so many things that are wrong or bad. Which often makes you feel like, “Why does everything I want, like and need so bad?”. If this is the case then I must be a bad person. And, if this is not the case then I must be surrounded by some really bad people or people who do bad things. 

Now what I am about to say, no many people will admit to but almost everybody in the world these days does. At least everybody in my world does it which might say a lot about the society that we/I live in. We all go to the places, support places and cater to places that make us feel better or that lift us up in return. And, I do it too! More than genuinely liking my foreign friends, I love being with them because when I am with them in what ever capacity, I have the life that everyone else has, I have my own life and more. Now before some negative Nancy chops it up to me using people; its not like that! I don’t ask my friends for anything, they dont give me things (well….sometimes) but it is the pleasure of their company that I really desire. 

A couple hours ago, I woke up and had a message from an O.C. friend. Will call him Doppelgänger because he looks like an older version of my Colorado boy. Like this guy looks like he could be his Dad or older brother. I’m surprised that no one has mentioned it but then again, I don’t have anybody around me who would notice. Anyway, I look at these guys and I know that I could never own them. Not literally! But, I look at them and see that they will always belong to something else before they are just my friends. And, that means that we could never really be friends if they could be swayed so easily. Friendship is love. And, love is patient, kind, it isn't self seeking. It’s having someone in your corner at all times. Its someone to share your secrets with. Its a comrade! Its not easily swayed when someone else comes and whispers negative things in their ears. 

And, I look at my life locally and think to myself; I can’t be happy here. And, the more that I fight to have my own life and my own friends, the worst that things become for me here. It wouldn't matter if I had my foreign friends here or not. It wouldn't matter if my foreign friends moved here and constructed a life here with me. The difference is that my life would be just like those friends staying power or when my God son goes home, as soon as your away or you turn your head that life would be over. 

It takes a lot of courage and strength to be strong when the whole of your world is trying to tell your wrong. But, can’t see or respect that I’m a human being just like them and that I have basic human needs like privacy, friendship, sex, and love. Just this week, each of those basic needs have been infringed upon yet I don’t do that to other people. Nothing that I do is a horrible as what people do to me. I’m surrounded by people who lied to me, stole from me, used my friends and much more. 

In all the love I have coming in from one direction and the hate that I have coming in from another is mostly in the name of what I am not capable of. It’s hard to be capable of anything if nothing is possible for you. So it’s hard to think about a life here or building something because of all the trouble that comes with it. Your doubters are going to push your buttons to the extreme at any chance or opportunity especially to prove their right in the eyes of competition. Your supporters may love you but it’s never enough. 

And, all that I can think about is how contradictory it all is. More than anything I just wish that I wasn't here. Nothing is ever going to be accomplished. Here it is not about me so much these days as it is getting to everyone that loves and supports me, so that they are just like them and under their thumb. After everything I’ve been through, I doubt that I will be anything amazing. And, I am not too smart so I doubt I will ever be as important like most of my friends. But, maybe I am wrong but I know that I will never know for sure until I get out of here. All I really want to do and really want to have is a decent life, with people who understand and care. I’m tired of fighting; I want love and be loved. I want fresh water and air. I want the feeling of being safe on my street. Those are my main goals for right now and that’s all that I really want. Once I get there, I know life will be much better. 

Days Like This....

It's days like today that I love. I've got nothing bad to say and not bad thoughts in my mind. If there is anything on my mind it's just staying faithful. And, not how you might think; no romantically. But, faithful to myself.....faithful to my ideas, to things that I want to do, to what's ahead of my and what's behind me. Even just staying faithful to my faith. Some days and moments it feels like there is no hope and everything is just going to come crashing down. But, another day comes and I'm still here. 

Both Ends Of The Line

There is one thing that almost everyone that I know has in common and its that they might not necessarily like a part of me. Like you might like my personality but you might not like the things that I do. And, that’s fine I guess. I know that my crazy ways have done just as much good as bad. So you can hate me or love me but I can guarantee you’ll love to love me. In the end, I am a guy doing the best that I can with what I got. 

Anyway, lately, I have been fighting with two ideologies! The first one is that there are people in life that are not going to like you or that you just can’t work with. The second one is more positive. Its the idea that I have the power to change my life and my circumstances. With this power I can change relationships, cultivate new ones and make more opportunities come alive in my life. 

This has been on my mind even more so now after I had a conversation with a new friend. My new friend is an older gentleman that lives out in Palm Springs. He is very accomplished; a veteran, cover model and president of a car club. I’m not sure how we got to the subject, my brain is really tired, but he just broke down life and “The Spirit” in such an eloquent way. My mind was completely blown. This is why I love older men; I live to learn about things (even though I am kind of awful at school). 

So I wanted him to know that I received his message, I believed his message and he is pretty much right. Yet I had to tell him like I had to tell so many of my other older gentlemen friends and lovers, “Where I live and am in my life is a different world? If you lived in it, you would not be who you are right now. You might feel differently and have a higher sense of urgency to get out of here”. Now I didn't say this exactly like this but I said it in so many words. I’m trying not lay my load of problems on others. 

The truth is I am trying to get to that place and peace that he speaks of. But, at the same time, I just know that its not going to happen here, not right now. I look at the past and thing about past times when I was in this same exact position. Before I was feeling and had been really neglected and abused. But, It was was put in my heart to be better, lay my burdens down and that the past was over. And, in the return I was pacified, played and my kindness was taken for weakness. 

And, I look at recent incidents with friends where I was really trying to break out of my shell and extend my friendship……..and it just ended horribly wrong. Its like everyone I try to get into contact with locally is just trying to start a fight. Like they are just trying their hardest to start world war three. And, I look at these times and see why I cant get to that place of peace in my life. It’s confusion on both ends of line. It’s selfishness brought from a desire to win and from fear. Like I wrote in my last blog post; “people are going to choose themselves. And, I cant deal with that! Its like trying to shake hands with a person who has been conditioned to hate certain things; they got one hand tied back and a knife in the other. You can shake their hand but eventually you will get cut. And, a confused person will be happy to give it to you.

It kind of goes back to the beginning of this post; certain people like certain things about me. And, that means that almost everybody will like me or be good/bad to me up unto a point. At a certain point, that like converts into some thing else. And, I can’t love people who are half stepping in my life. Its holding me back from the place of peace that I want to be in. There are some people who or cant like you. There are some people who are determined not to like you; they don't want peace, they don't want to talk, they don’t want to work with you, they are extremely judgmental and they want to see you worst off. Even if they are wrong, they will use whatever against you and count on others to agree that the ends justified the means. And, anybody that tells you differently most likely has a knife in their hand. Letting them go is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.