Believe Them

When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.

-Maya Angelou

That's the tough thing about giving people second chances. Some people never defer from their scripts. Some people remain type. They don't change even after you give them a chance. 

I've had some life changing and re-arranging experiences in my life recently. I've been trying to incorporate peace into my lifestyle. Trying to live out from under the cloak of fear. And, the sad thing is people think it's stupid when you do stuff like that. Partially because most people know how they can take advantage of you at the same time. The other kind of people think your getting close to hurt them which makes sense as to why they would strike first. 

And, I'm sad because your damned if you try to get close to people who are on the other side of the tracks. And, your damned if you don't. Everyone talks about how they want you to be cool with them and be on their side. But, when you bridge the gap.....they try to tear you down. 

You see....it's a game you can not win. Not because they are better but because people are control freaks; when they don't understand something or feel some strange they go insane. There are all these control freaks and for big men they are so sensitive about every single thing. You can't deal with insecure people. And, if you can't make them feel secure then your shit out of luck. 

And, it's things like this make me doubt my future. Especially when I'm hurt or betrayed by someone who knows me and my life some what well. Today I heard someone say so easily that people convert and that people change over. And, I just wanted to smack him because that's not true, some people are taken. And, to see them taken over is horrible. To see someone you loved, confided in or shared your body with become this stranger is heartbreaking. It is devastating to not only see them change but to come against you.

You really can't replace a friend and you really can't when it comes to me. When it comes to me, I've never really been interested in people my age and every time I love someone they disappear. Most people wouldn't care if you have an influx of new things, your busy and you have other friends but at this point I've got more being taken away from me versus having anything brought into my life. In the end, there will be nothing left. 

Occurrence

Never let anyone tell you that blogging is bad. I've had many opinions and objections to my blogging. Before this blog, I used another blog quite often. And, I talked about everything. So recently I needed to know the dates that I worked at an old job. So I looked all over for pay stubs. But, I couldn't find anything. Then I thought, let me look at my blog and I found all the info; job work 12/12/11 to 1/25/12. This was the one time in my life, I was super proud of myself for commiting to something. The downside is I still sound the same; just this darkness and sadness to me. It depressed me and annoyed me. So I'm going to try and turn over a new leaf. In this section of my blog or in a new one; I'm going to try to say something positive about myself or someone around me. At this moment, I have nothing to positive to say for the people around me. So I'm going to keep it to myself. But, I just wonder, how do you make noise on a ceiling. Anyway, I've got to make more friends in my area; it's a must for me. I know the difference between making an enemy or a friend is understanding. And, I want to understand some folks. 

Winning Isn't Everything!

The older that I get, the more that I see that the only competition in life is the competition that you create. I've never really liked to compete unless it was in a game and that's purely for the sake of sportsmanship. 

And, now everything is purely competition in my life. It's all for the sake of winning. But, when you accept people for who they are and you let things play out. And, you give them the chance to be themselves; feel how they want to feel or do what they want.....it becomes different. 

So you might run over and so it might sooth their ego but what does it matter. The difference is and I can say that "hey, well atleast I never treated you the way that you treated me". And, I know a lot people could place complaints and say all kind of things. But, the only thing I can say right now is, "Is anything I am doing, worse than what your doing right now?". And, if I were closer to you then wouldn't you expect me to be exactly who I am right now, if not more. 

And, it shocks me the most when the people around me can't see that the people I know want the absolute best for me. And, in maybe some cases could provide it better than they could. It just reminds me of a story that my mom told me. She was invited to Oxford University in London. But, my grandfather was so stuck in his way and mind set that he forbid her to go. And, I wonder how my Mom's life would have been different. Maybe she would be married and taken care. She wouldn't have suffered the abuses of life that she has suffered since. God knows she would have been better off with out me and my brother. 

Now I am not saying I am perfect or void of emotion. But, I am saying some people are the worst, they bring out the worst in you, they will cast you out because your different and most importantly I am saying that if I fight you then you can not see who I am. 

If I fight you all you will see is the anger you birthed in me. And, win or lose you will see the competition in me. Something you should easily see, in most of yourselves. Even now that I am technically conquered, my spirit is naturally driven to resist.....so you still can't see me. 

And, even now when people talk so boldly and openly about how they will conquer, how their savior is back, how life will be better for them and how safe things will be. I'm not phased; I'm just feel decided. There is going to come a day where things either change, I move or I kill myself. It's as simple as that; it sounds morbid. But, I'm not prepared to be an outsider in the world, in my family or in my city for the rest of my life.

A life with no goals, experiences, friends, destinations, love or sex is not worth living. A life where you can be cursed at and shamed because someone else's ego is hurt, is not worth living. A life where your happiness and future are not a consideration, is not worth living. It's dying a little more each day. I'm not sad about these things any more. It's the choice you make, call me crazy if you want but it looks easier and easier the more time goes by. 

You've made it quite clear that your madness is worth more than my life; dead or alive. With no one around, they'll be no one to even miss me. And, life goes on, you'll have your savior and happiness. You can do what you want. It won't matter. 

Occurrence

The last twenty four hours have been horrible. I've got two god son's, eight and less than one. So I've been showing the eight year old pics of his birth father and mother since he has been born. But, he has been away for a while and yesterday I accidentally showed him a picture of his birth dad, who he had forgotten all about. So he brought up the topic to his mother and it's totally ruined her day. So I feel awful for her and the challenge that she is now faced with. And, I wish I would have known what was going on and that she withheld information from him. But, I would have known these things if our relationship was could or was better. That's what really makes me upset; she's my friend but my family knows her better. 

This Is Giving Up

Well first I most apologize to you guys because I've been drinking. So if I'm too honest or sound bad then I'm sorry. Okay so here it goes.....Recently I wrote an occurrence but I didn't want to publish it. Partially because I didn't want any trouble at the time; it was taking all of my energy to not be depressed about coming home. And, it still takes a lot of my energy to not be depressed about it because the reality is here I am at home. 

Okay so here goes the occurrence.....

Occurrence: 

Sometimes I would just rather not deal with emotions, people and thoughts. All because it's very unclear; something's are open to interpretation. And, there is going to be several people telling all kinds of things; nasty things, seemingly true things and just outright lies. But, whose right! My name is so tangled up with madness; if I walk out of line then I am evil or stupid. And, if you tango with good people; the bad guy looks like he was up to something bad. And, I will lose it especially now that I have done this long run without medication, I just don't want to do to much because then the minute your flowing someone says he needs to go down. In reality, my temper is very short. I will snap if pushed to far. So it's better to sometimes stop while your ahead. And that's all I have to say. Something's are kind of obvious like the fact that I'm a tall guy and kind of clumsy. 

Okay so there you go....an issue that I'm dealing with today. Today I've given everything my all; being kind when I really could have naturally been bitchy, inviting people in my life ( that I normally would avoid), building bridges, giving advice, helping family and so much more. But, still sometimes and most times, me giving my best mines the worse for someone else. For example and hypothetically, if a family member of mines gets into with a friend of mines who I am on good terms with, I'm not chosen sides especially on something that I didn't even start. So no matter what, I get hurt over something that I didn't start. I don't even get the pleasure of being bad or wrong. So my life stops....

In other situations, If I am wronged.....where is my justice because I am the bad kid. But, on the other hand people don't recognize the message that they are sending out. Yeah, you think your sending out the message that your a bad ass and your in control. But, I challenge all the people in my life to first think about the world we live in....people know. People find out what your doing and they know your motivations. Secondly, think about me....not about my feelings but what you think of me and what the general consensus is. To put it plainly and kindly, most folks think I could use help mentally, developmentally and physically. And, in your bad assdom you must think the same because your superior or at least acting that way. So first think to yourself, "do I know?, did I know? and do I know who your really messing with!". You could be blocking my blessing, a blessing coming your way and maybe even for everyone in general. So you look like your messing with a developmentally challenge person. You look like an animal! And, I feel like underneath all the love and fluff you have for me, I am less than gum underneath your shoe. 

So this is my life.....this is my world. Can I blame people for being reactionary and obnoxious? Nah, I can't and I don't. And if I do I usually don't say anything because whether they are right or wrong, if they feel threatened then they are going to react. No I'm not saying I forgive because sorry is not enough for you showing your ass and how you really feel or think. But, as much as you have taken more hours and days from my life....I'm the one whose really got to let it go. My developmentally challenged butt has to live for another day; I've got to move on and live. 

Lastly, I'm sorry if the karma is bad. I'm sorry if it's not the end. I'm sorry if you don't understand. I'm sorry if you got scared. But, next time.....leave me out of it or just leave me alone. But, then again I am the bad guy; so no matter what I do.....whether I am right or wrong....I'm the bad guy. 

Occurrence

My cheesecake cracked but it didn't stop it from tasting good. 

Fair Trial

So today I continued my chat with my sexy stranger. At this point, he is just a friend. He is not a close friend so I can call him sexy. But, I think what I like about him is that I can talk to him. Something that people just can’t seem to do these days. We can’t talk to our neighbors next door or our neighbors in the bordering country or state. And, if we do, we form clans and that’s no way to live. I’d had a whole lot less trouble in my life if I could talk about things with people. So I hope in 2015, a lot of us can get free, open our mouthes and put our weapons down. 

Anyway, we got on the topic of giving in relationships (platonic or otherwise) and it wasn’t a debate but us simply giving our opinions. And, its rather funny how we got on the topic. He was happy that I was willing to talk to him again; that I felt safe to talk to him. And, I told him in not so many words that the state of our relationship depends on him. Not implying that I am an angel or can do no wrong but that I will stick with as long as you treat me good. It’s as simple as that.

So he went on to say that he believes things should be fifty/fifty. And, I totally agree with that. But, I think that in many cases, most people get the idea totally screwed up. So I proceeded to tell him that fifty/fifty doesn't always work especially when your not equally yolked. If you make 50k+ a year and I make 9k a year, were not going to be equally yolked. And, basically thats a lot to handle. 

And, I went on to say that, Your not going to appreciate what I bring to the table or respect what I have. Personally, I cherish the nothing that I have. I love the friends that I have and more. Not because it’s better than what some one else might have but because I worked so hard for it. So I am not so keen on someone criticizing or being unhappy with what I have or with my friends because those things are an extension of myself. And, I know older people or successful people have a hard time with dealing with certain things; change, etc. 

Yet in still, I think that things can be fifty/fifty among people if we can start out with talking and interacting. We can’t make to many assumptions of other people because they can do the same to us. And, what can they go off of, our actions and what next person has to say about us. All of which can be things that are lies, misinterpretations and to some others dismay, the truth. The same thing can be said for our interactions, if I reach out my hand to your face depending on your fear or trust, you might think that I am trying to punch you or doing something loving like wiping something off your face. But, if we can talk things would be so different. 

In closing, even though I have been so positive about the power of vocalization. I know that I have to be realistic. If someone else’s intentions aren’t good then talking let alone being seen can be the worst and last thing that you do. And, that right there let’s us know that some things have to change…..atleast in the people around me. Everybody wants to go to a hanging but nobody wants to go to the trial, where people can defend and stand up for themselves.