Reason #1

Reason #1 to stay loving the states....

It's legal here so don't judge me😋

Appreciation

You know the one thing that gets in the way of life.....it is keeping the past so close. For so many years, I'd go out and remember how things used to be. I'd go to a place and be haunted by memories of how good things used to be; who friends, how family saw me, sex and more. 

The area of my life where it's so surprising is dating. I remember when a good date meant going to a bar, doing something interesting or staying in for beer, movies sex and pizza. And, meeting people fast. So it made appreciating my now virtually non existent love and sex life, very hard. 

So last night I went out and had a bite. It felt out to be out. I didn't think about the past or how much better it was back then. It was amazing! I felt like there is maybe hope; I felt more optimistic among other things. 

But, more importantly, I felt normal. And, I hope to always the way I do now one day. To feel safe and that everything will workout fine. That is not a feeling that should be reserved for the rich, the powerful and those in control. Everyone should feel just that good everyday. 

Right Now, everything and everyone  seems to be in motion.....doing things secretly and blatantly. And, I tire from feeling like that. But, for now I will just appreciate the little things. 

Workout Motivation

Definitions

I think I have some different definition of things. Part of the reason why is because I am living and stuck living the way I do. While everyone else was out living life; working and growing to be something more or just another cog in the wheel, I was at home. So I recognize that I might not have the same ideals as others. But, I'm not exactly lacking in the social graces. I'm generally nice to people and kind to everyone. And, I think I'm pretty fair. 

So these days, "When someone says, you speak to me disrespectfully".....I'm flabbergasted. I know that I can speak disrespectfully but I don't even use my disrespectful vocabulary. For example, I would really like to say, "you wretched fuck, you treat me like a step child and think it's cool. Then you let every fucking bastard that comes along treat me exactly the same". But, I don't say things like that. I want to say things like that and much worse. I can cuss like a sailor and used to really enjoy it. 

So if it's not the language then it's the subject matter. The subject matter is harsh. But, it's the reality. And, I would speak the truth to any body because it may not be what you want but it's what you need to hear. Everyone around you is going to pump you up. Like today I was at Best Buy and watching these people who were all up in my situation, smiling  from a distance and being nonconfrontational; I'm returning the favor even though I feel like shit because I've been constipated for the last three days. And, I handle my business and leave, so as I am leaving I could feel the energy change. I'm doing something in my car and I couldn't help but watch them. 

And, it was then in there that I wished that people were honest with me, even if it hurt my feelings because that's growing up. Like if something is going on with my body, tell me the truth. Why? because this is something that should be handled correctly and accordingly. If you have to sneak around then it is deceitful. But, I know most people don't want to be accountable because they probably wouldn't eat the shit or whatever. If it was that good, you would have to be deceitful about it. It would have to be a secret. It would be something that I could manage. 

So this is the world that I live in. And, I know and believe that one good turn deserves another. Feel good about your victories. I know that I feel good when the world is turning at a speed that I can enjoy. But, in the back of my mind, I know that the tide always changes one day. Like today, there are people coming from all over the place, people I have never talked to and more. Everyone is probing my life today, looking for the  reasons for my success because me doing okay is such a bad thing for everybody else. I'm really getting tired of this if it wasn't for the love I do have I don't think I could go on. If someone asked me what the definition of survival is I'd say love. 

In The Spotlight

So I've been watching Oprah....and it's a Marathon of Oprah's Next Chapter. So far I've seen the Tina Turner episode (which is a must see) and the Beyoncé episode. During both episodes Oprah asked "How does it feel when your own stage". And, both artist described it as an outer body experience. Tina said, "your not hungry, your not thinking,......etc". And, writing, singing and being with children make me feel that way. These things are perfect outlets for truth and innocence. It is my time to kind of just let it go. And, I genuinely feel better each time that I do it. 

So it kills me a little more each time, to not be able to live my truth. And, to not live in light. But, I'm doing my best to live in light. I'm doing my best to live in love. And, to just do what I have to do and it's getting harder not just because you see people like running to get up in your life but to see them running out as well. And, I really want to say something so sharp that it cuts the person it belongs to. 

It just makes me so angry and frustrated.  And, I still try to throw little things in there or say little things so some people will calm down whether they be emotional, scared, on a lead or angry. And, it's like folks are still doing the same things. I don't know if they are sure of their capabilities (I say that because everybody has a smart ass comment or action), I don't know if it's a forced thing (because you can't blame some people for being tools) or what it is. But, it's like I don't want to be the thing that makes some popular or atleast the thing that gets blamed for whatever action that some one else did on their own. 

If there is any advice I would give to anyone around me or that I know it would be that, "You touch it, break it or even in some cases talk about it....you've bought". Your worried about your security and how things are, well, sometimes being secure is leaving some things alone. And, this is not a read or being disrespectful, this is just a fact of life....the life that you've help build and make. 

I wish I knew the future so I could protect people from themselves and from others. The first time something goes wrong, the hammer is going to fall on me. That I've made it an unsecure or that there are bad people all around. But, never ever says well what did we do. So whatever happens, I'm not accountable. But, I will say that it's a shame and opportunity. An opportunity to make a friend but I doubt that will happen. But, in the instance, that I'm kind of speaking on....they were kind to me when I first got here. They helped us when we got here. That I'm thankful for but anything after that, I don't know. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Goodnight! 

Syleena Johnson

One of the biggest lessons (and maybe one of the few things that I remember from class in high school) is that, "History is always told from the winners, point of view". The winners point of view is usually the accepted point of view. And, everybody wants to be a winner (especially if they have been winning or losing for a long time). 

And, the sad truth is that in my life, I am not winning. I'm not in control of my life and or of my decisions. Furthermore, if you haven't guessed from my previous posts....I make mistakes and I'm out of line sometimes. But, I guess that kind of comes with the territory of being young, not in control of my life and having so many out of control people in my life. 

If anything bothers me today it's something that I've had said to me or implied to me several times over the last few months about the main thing that's been holding me back. Everyone keeps saying, " Try it for yourself"......" Give them a chance". Now think about this....somebody has to realize just how stupid it sounds. Forget about all the things that have gone down and everything. And, please correct me if I'm wrong because maybe it's the representatives around here that have fucked up that connection. But, the truth is, I tried it before all you guys did. 

You wouldn't even have it or be trying it if it wasn't for me. And, it doesn't want to work for me. It wants me or atleast it used to. But, it does respect me or my wishes. It doesn't respect who I am. It wants to know everything about me but for all the wrong reasons. And, the funny thing is why have so much in common. 

First off, I like my privacy even though I have this blog. I have always lived my life privately. I have best friends but I don't tell them every single thing I'm thinking or about to do until I'm ready. We both like to help people and give things to people. And, I'd say we both have control issues.  I'll admit it and say it.....especially when it comes to friends, I'm territorial. I'm not going to go to the extent of saying that I own my friends because it's wrong to say that. But, what I will say is that, I'm territorial to the extent of protection. 

But, I'd never thought that I'd have to be in a position where I'd have to protect my friends from each other. I think to myself, the mindset that others suffer from. And, I know for some the things that I have been saying are becoming real. The things that I have been warning new friends about and have been saying about being my friend are realized. And, the danger really is closer to home; spreading, growing and becoming more bold. But, I can't reach out to these people because it's like talking to a wall. 

It's the same suffering and struggle that I know here at home. And, I don't know how to say it any more plainly or nicely but I'm not interested. If you were really interested in me, you wouldn't have dismissed me countless times. I'd still be working with you; I'd be doing with you, what I have been doing with countless other people.....learning and growing in love. Love that is real and honest; love that is not self seeking (atleast not to the point that it's going to completely ruin my life when it's done). 

One of my favorite artists is Syleena Johnson. I don't know if it's because her birthday is the day after mines or what but I love the woman. She makes music that speaks to me. Her songs are r&b  but not just about the flashy things. And, she has had real struggles in her career.  She had to come from under her father's spotlight, her mother is a little crazy. She's it a big break through and was making records with huge labels. But, she knew that she wasn't making the records she wanted. And, she was having trouble securing deals because of her music and maybe even her looks (black, female and overweight). No one was supporting her vision. Everyone had guidelines and rules or just keeping up with the Britney Spears/Beyoncé era of woman soloists. 

And, I realize that I can relate to this woman's life in my own way. I don't want to belong to some big machine. I want to do what I love and feel good about myself at the end of the day. I don't think I ever want to have the power to do or be apart of what's been done to me. And, as for those friends that I was talking about earlier. The ones that I or we have to worry about.....all I can say is this, " I'm sorry that we have gone through this ordeal together. I'm confident that you will be okay. I don't want to be your enemy as much as I am now your target. I guess you've discovered the same hate for me that seems to be universally shared. I can't deny that I am angry and disappointed in you. For you will gain the world at the price of keeping one man with nothing down. And, I pray that your hunger is never satisfied. I hope that you consume and consume but never know satisfaction. That you know the emptiness that I feel daily. The emptiness that comes from not having love, not having nearby friends, not being able to have sex or go other without fear for my life. ". Yeah, that last part is mean but it's true. For it is shameful! 

The truth is I feel like I've paid any and every debt that I could have possibly paid. My old address hates me so what, current address....well they got it from the old address and old business. Old friends hate me, well you can guess where they got it from. So I have paid in years, friendship, financially, my health and tears. And, yeah! There are most likely some people that would like to kill and sue about 80% of you guys. But, I'm just done with all you motherfuckers. And, I wish I could give all of you the distinct pleasure of never having to see the guy that you hate so much. But, the truth is you need me for your own gain and I pray the same prayer for all of you. If you only knew how it feels, then maybe you would think differently. 

A Stranger!

Ugh, I hate crying! I haven’t cried in a while and if I am crying, it is for a damn good reason. Maybe it’s because I am a virgo but I look at things differently….I look at details and what things represent. A lot of times people don’t look at things that way. They look at everything for face value; they look at things like its a business. And, there is a time and place for that. But, when it comes to dealing with people, it requires a human touch and not just for people that you like. 

Now after yesterday’s blog, most folks might think me a hater. And, I get tired of stupid people who don’t actually read this blog or actually know me. I want the best for all of my friends, I want them to have and be everything that they want to be. If there is one thing I don't want them to have or to lose is the ability to be the person who I know. That person is created beautifully and I am in love with that person. 

Now I am looking at all the people that I know and have known; I loved so much. I wonder when did they stop seeing who I am. When did they start looking for things about me, from people who don’t actually know me. You can’t know someone who your conditioned to dislike and its your job to do them wrong. If you actually liked the person that your charged to have these duties with then you wouldn't do your job that well. 

Anyway, I wonder when those friends started working me, for their own benefit. I wonder when they started telling my secrets. I wonder when they got so crazy as to fight people who are trying to help them. I wonder when they started seeing me as some one to handle and maneuver like I am some kid and not the person who would give anything. I wonder when the pressure got so hard that they could resist. 

I wonder when their captors became their friends. Like yesterday, the way the beat me, teased me and taunted me, there is no question as to who you belong to. Yeah, it’s nice that your protected but when have you ever needed protection from me. I wonder when we couldn’t work our own problems out. What I wrote yesterday was not an attempt to get what is yours. What I wrote was to show the inequality. The favoritism and hypocrisy! The things that made us even closer. 

And, it wasn’t just to piss some people off. Sometimes your enemies even need to learn a thing or two. As we all know, the devil, did and does go to church. So I know that people who don’t like me, will read this blog as well. So they know the truth as well as you do. And, I am hurt because I expected more which is wrong because your human. I never worried or doubted you because I thought we were family. Maybe that was the jinx as everyone knows I don’t get along well with family. I loved you too much and that was the straw that broke the camels back. But, what hurts the most is that your becoming like everybody else. A stranger!