Your Little Boy (Letters To A Few Guys I Know)

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe at this very moment, I should be proud for other people. Maybe my selfishness is making me a hater. Maybe I should submit. Maybe all of this negativity is suppose to be some kind of reverse psychology. But, I just can’t see it and I wish that I could because I don’t like having problems. 

But, the truth us I can’t see it. First of all, I just wanted to say if I treated you like you treat me, how would you feel? Secondly, do I ever treat you this way? Thirdly, how am I ever suppose to respect you if you can’t be respectful? Fourthly, if your suppose to be a leader and I am suppose to follow….isn’t my state of well being a reflection of you? Fifthly, how am I suppose to ever be a leader of this person that you say that I am not, if you keep treating me like this?

Its like if you wanted my attention or something, then why lie to me….why lead me astray? Were you ever really looking at me. Did you ever notice that I was trying to give you the best. Did you notice that I was keeping on the level with you. Did you notice that I was including you? Did you know that I just bought you something? Did you notice that I cared?

Don’t you think I know you? Don’t you think that I know there is something in it for you to be this way? Something that meant more to you than family and friendship. Your not the first and your not the last to be this way to me. And, the reason why your the perfect subject is because your the closest to me. You could hurt me more than most others.

How quickly we forget months before when you complain about being home. When you cursed the things that sustain you now. When we exchanged glances over a mutually seen mess and nodded in agreement. Not that we are close. You think you know whats going on in my life and yet you still don't know. The irony is that you do me, the way that I do you. 

On the other hand is maybe if you knew me better, you wouldn’t do me like your doing me right now. But, I guess I should know better. I can’t even get my old friends to get to know me. I can’t get my old friends to be my friends. Words, love and affection don’t mean anything in the line of duty. The whole time my words were soft and kind. The whole time my words were thoughtful. But, you will hate me because I said them. 

My silence is not my weakness; it is my strength and restraint. It is sword and my shield. It is myself listening to you. It is the respect that I give you; that you run over. It is the space that I give you to spread and roll out over everything. It is the hope that you will change. It is the hope that things will change. It’s me laying at God’s feet. But, what you will only see is submission, tears and bursts anger….all you ever needed to keep me your little boy. 

Surrounded

Sometimes it's feels so tight like I can't breathe. Everyone is so interested in information and finding out something. Instead of being forward, which we all make impossible, we wait and we wait. Something that's done most commonly to criminals because underneath it all, we love to catch people in the act. Beyond catching someone in the act, we want it know how to hide the things in our lives that we don't want to see. 

I'm seeing a renewed since of power and assurance in my surroundings. I would almost feel happy for everyone else if I didn't have my doubts. I've seen my surroundings like this for too long. I've seen the abuse of power. I've seen people get away with murder. And, that's why they run during the change of the seasons. 

My heart breaks over it! As if I didn't have enough to deal with in my personal life. Now having to deal with the pressure and  all the rumors the come from the speculations of others. All of it conflicting! Less than a half of it true, a half of it lied and the rest of it doesn't make sense. And, this is why privacy is needed in relationships of all sorts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what's going on. But, it's a problem when certain information starts to flow through all sorts of channels because then you get this. You get all kinds of stories and lies. 

I feel like I'm going into manic panic. Who I am to my core what's to run every motherfucker I have a problem with right now and start wrecking shit. I just want to let off the steam; say how I feel. But, I know it won't help. If anything it will make my case, a lot worse. I know this sounds awful but I just wished somebody felt as bad as I do. And, understood what it feels like to be me right now. Nobody, not anybody could know what it feels like to be me right now. 

The ironic thing is that at this very moment, there is something or someone who wants to know for their own purposes. All of which does me no good. But, life goes on! I'm not sure what's next. Yet I know that I better stay calm because the shit has been taken to the next level. Choosing peace is getting harder and harder. 

Occurrence

There is always that one thing about the picture of my life that's wrong....no matter if I'm right or wrong. It never fails that my home gangs up on me. It's never dished out to everybody but everybody loves to team up when it comes to me. And, the arrogance.......

Is the karma really not unexplainable? 

Means Nothing

The energy has been turned up so high here….all night. Who knows what it could be. Maybe its the summer or the full moon in the sky. But, whatever the case, you can feel the change in the air. Change is not always a bad thing usually I think its a bad thing because its usually always directed at me. Yet on the other hand, I know what its like to be held down by the thoughts of others. 

The truth is there are many sides to me. Who I am today is not necessarily, who I will be tomorrow. Its not that I have a split personality or that I am putting on a show. I think people who are like that, are not necessarily good. But, the truth is we as people evolve. And, when you’ve lived as many lives as I have lived, there is bound to be some extremes in that evolution. Not many people would understand but it means nothing. 

So I look at the changes around me and wonder is the evolution. Could this be the beginning of a fresh start. And, I think of the possibilities. What if all the same old bad things and routines didn’t mean anything. What if we didn’t look at every move as a scheme to get the jump on. Just how much easier would life be if things could be that way. It would be soooo nice to shop, fuck and several other things…and it means nothing. 

Coping With It

I've tried my hardest to be accepting of certain people, places and things. But, I'm not perfect...I'm just human. When I know something is wrong or I can just feel that something is wrong, I just naturally turn away. But, I recognize that it's important to maintain relationships with people. If not to be friends, to just a least understand and maintain lines of communication. The last time I had this opportunity, I failed and I had to let the relationship go. 

On my vacation in 2013, everything was failing. So I was kicked out of where I was staying and my money was extremely tight. And, I was looking forward to staying in Belgium. It was my 27th birthday and being with my best buds was going to be amazing. So after waiting and getting turned around at the airport; I finally meet my friend and we head to his and his room mates home. However when I get there, I'm greeted by another American. 

He was everything I tend to dislike about my African American roots. And, he worked in fashion and television. So that made him even more of a character. He was everything I wanted to be away from while on vacation. I just wanted to be in the countryside and have fun. But I got this feeling of competition like he wanted to make me a fool and like he wanted to assert ownership over my friends. And, my friends don't know me that way. We never fight or have problems; it's always a good time. 

My friend who picked me up at the airport knew something was wrong with me. He pulled me over to the side and had a conversation with me. And, I calmed down; I had to remember what a father figure in my life would say at that moment. The next few days were a test; he stayed almost the whole time I was there. But, the blessing in all of it was that we kind of got to see inside of each other. I could see that he was just another black kid from the ghetto trying to defy the odds; just like me and just like Omar. The only difference between me and them is that they were on the "winning side" of life. 

He was sweet when he could be even though I discovered that I was not the only one who disliked him. But, the difference between me and him is that, he lived abroad. He didn't have to go back home to Georgia like I did to California. He was more involved with their lives! And, I just couldn't understand how my friends could keep someone in their lives who was basically the cause and cure of so much controversy. And, how could they not see me. I mean....Forget me! Yeah, I am not a bed roses when it comes to controversy. But, I just don't understand how they couldn't see it or what! I wanted to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them. I wanted them to do something. These guys were more than my friends, they are my heroes. 

But, in the end....you can't fight a hurricane. It's better to be beside someone then against them. And, I watched my friends change and becom more like him. I watched them believe him and I felt further away from them than I already did. And, I tried to stay in my place and just go with it. But, I couldn't do it. It's hard to maintain a relationship with them especially since my family seems to hate or distrust them with a passion. I don't know what it is but it's something about them that just rubs my Mom and Aunt the wrong way. They come up in arms over them and they have never even met them. Belgium just sets people off on alert for some reason. Keep in mind that these are some of the most non confrontational people in the world. They look down on things that are offensive and distasteful. They would sooner chat with you than fight you. 

State Of The Union

It always surprises me what some people don't know these days. It seems that nothing is secret these days so I'm never really surprised when someone knows something about my life or has clues to my past. For ever reason, I've always attracted and been surrounded by noisy people. 

But, it's always shocking what people don't seem to recognize. And, there is a few common things that people don't see but I think the number one thing people don't see is themselves. They don't see the pain or devastation left behind their foot steps. And, even more so I question the morality behind others actions. 

It's made me kind of come to the point where I favor fairness and justice so much that if I do something wrong, I hope that I'm given fair and due process. This is because I'm seeing myself in others eyes, I'm learning more about life and much more. And, I just don't want to love the wrong things. I don't want to do the wrong things because I know about devastation. I know about pain, heartbreak and suffering.

That's something that I have seen in a lot of other people too. It's a lot easier to give someone something that, they have never had. It's a lot easier to use a power if your not on the battlefield and see the devastation. It's easy to sit in your cushy life with all your benefits and options, and to just hand out orders and punishment. If you've never had something to bring you on your hands and knees then you have no idea. If you've never been treated the way that you have treated people then your not going to get it. 

Awakening to yourself is hard in any capacity. If you get the message from someone else, then your most likely going to be ready to shoot the messenger. So many times, I've said to people, this is this, this is what it is. And, it's like no one ever believes me. Everyone has to take it too far or see for themselves. Even though in truth, in a more fair and somewhat natural world we wouldn't have this problem. Some people are just too strong to talk to. They are too crafty to talk to. They are too tricky to talk to. And, because they live this lifestyle, I don't know if they assume everyone is like that. 

But, once again, here in exists a blind spot or where morality fails. The love and the kindness can't be seen. The connect and the road travelled. Some people can't exist with you because they stand on the wrong side of history; the wrong side of your history. A history that they weren't really involved in or could really see. You can't choose love and baby sit the needs of hate. Furthermore, you can't love me correctly when you sit with people who don't necessarily understand  you, know you and hate you. 

To expand on that thought, everybody loves something. We are not made of stone. But, our work and lifestyle kills our hearts. As much as we would like to connect and have sunshine. We just can't connect; what's at stake on both ends is too much. As much we've run and hide so many of theirs have done the same if not only for different reasons. I've tried my hardest to encourage peace and to push forward the idea of a settlement. But, when we give up, that's usually when fate allows. Now they want to impress you but I know what had been will always continue. 

Due to recent events, I havent felt so hopeless and unsure of the future. It's all sooooooo black. I just don't see how there will be an ending or even a happy one. I'm going to need to pray for some enlightenment or patience. It might be time for me to start looking in to my plan b. 

The Blast From The Past

It's 1:19 am and I've been up for about twenty fours. I'm tired but then again I am not tired. So much has happened in this span of time. Normally I would remember or have something in mind that I would like to write earlier. So I'm kind of at a disadvantage; I've been so on the go that I haven't really had time to just kind of digest my thoughts and feelings. 

Yesterday I had a meeting with an old friend of mines. A friend that I mentioned in yesterday's blog. Normally I wouldn't bother him but it kind of felt like an appropriate time to catch up. And, it was really a good thing to catch up on things in our lives. He is still the same person that I met 14 years ago underneath the grown man he has become. 

It's good to know that some relationships don't change even thought the circumstances sometimes do. I wish that I could go back in time and right all the wrongs in the way of our friendship but I can't. So instead of spoiling our meeting; I tired to keep it light and fun. Everything is pretty much the same in our lives. He has a new boy, same job and still at no total total satisfaction! Meanwhile, I've got no job and feel the same way. 

Well I don't know for sure if will meet up again. In many ways I think we're good the way that we are now. There is no point to trying to rush up a friendship especially if it's a friendship that everyone wants to end. Well, this is all I have for now. Let me sleep and I promise a more entertaining blog later.