Whistle While You Work

Maybe its a matter of perspective or even gender. But, when it comes to things like rape, it is a thin line between having sex and rape. Growing up you see films where the woman becomes absolutely insane and the man grabs her, kisses her, she resists and then melts in his arm. If you’ve been raised anywhere in the world, this might be one your ideals of love. One partner or the woman, always falls in the arms of the man. 

Now this is where the concept of rape gets fuzzy and where someone can say that they were raped. So if someone says no but you continue and that person doesn't resist. This person even starts to enjoy the sex that you've had then just because they said no then essentially you’ve raped this person. This is the way that rape is kind of defined these days. Rape is no longer physical abuse, using drugs, tearing clothes, fighting, crying and screaming. Rape is just the word no. 

Some of you might hate me for what I am writing or for the references that I am making but I am okay with that. Here is an example of just how crazy that is to me. Have you ever had a friend, partner or kid that was ticklish. You keep tickling them and they say no. That person is laughing and enjoying themselves. But, if they person looks mad, becomes combative or like they are going to cry…..then you stop, right? 

So back track a few years ago. I’d been seeing this guy from a distance. He came to my town and we met for the first time at a public place. Then I decide to leave after a while, we went back to my car and we made out. I’m not ashamed to admit and say, “I’m just slutty”. This guy has a beautiful body! This almost tanned olive smooth skin, big chest and this dick that really plumps when you cook it. So am about to make a meal out of him in my car but he says no. And, when he said no, I knew that he meant it. So I stopped, we talked for a little and I said my goodbyes then saw him the next day for lunch. 

So fast forward a few years a head. Now I have come to his place. I wanted this man for years; wanted to date him and be serious. But, he never seemed to have got the picture. So were at his house alone, we had a couple drinks but were not drunk. And, I am feeling sexy and seductive; I’ve got on my sexy underwear. Were on the couch laughing and Im in the zone. Then I go in for the kill. 

Now here is where things get a little fuzzy. I’m not sure what I did exactly, if I gave him a massage or what. I don’t remember exactly how it started but I remember that I didn’t ravage him. I didn’t hold him down, there was no fighting, kicking or screaming. There was no abuse! What there was though is questions on if I could precede and what I got from him “I dont care” or “I dont mind”. Not exactly the words I was looking for. But we did our thing, well I did my thing to him mostly and if I wasn't doing it right or could do it better…he guided me to where I needed to go. 

So we meet again in a few months, this time he is in my town. We laugh and talk all day. I think it was really the best day that I have ever had with him. For most of the day, it was just me and him. We enjoyed dinner with his best friend, his best friends boyfriend and two other guests who were related to the boyfriend. At the end of the night, I had drank so much that he invited me to stay the night with him. The he asked if he could stay the night inside of me. Finally some passion! This time he did all the work and what good work he did. 

Fast forward some months, I’ve gone to his house again and come back home. Now I am hearing through the grapevine that he says that I raped him the night that I was at his house. And, I can’t believe this. This doesn’t sound like him. And, its hard to believe that I raped someone who was so compliant and helpful in the bedroom. So after feeling the shame of it all for a while. Finally I asked him about it and he never responds to the message. But, I still keep hearing about this rape business. Now I have had sex a bunch more times afterwards, sex fueled by alcohol and I have not got one complaint.

The case and point of this is…Be careful what you call rape. I’ve got nothing against this guy. I love him because I know he is a good person and he has been very good to me. I’ve apologized to him if he felt that I was rough with him or something because that was not the goal. I wanted to make him feel good. And, when he fucked me, I am sure he had the same goal in mind. But, if we want to go in to a technical case of rape, then the way he fucked me, I should just call that rape because he was aggressive and beat it up. So I think were even if rape is the case. I enjoyed my rape and he enjoyed his. 

Excuse me for having such a graphic post. But, I just wanted to set the record straight. I wish I knew what it was about me that had grown people be so ugly and in some cases unprofessional. When it comes to me, I have seen other grown people treat other grown people terribly. Sometimes I feel like how could you be so childish to treat this other adult so badly simply because of a connection to me. Its like were the bloods and crips gangs except will fight someone who is on the same side as us. Its childish! And, its dangerous. 

The Afternoon Edition

I’d be lying if I said I was happy right now. It’s nothing really external that set me off and believe me, I had a few reasons. Maybe its the nothingness getting me down. I know that I haven't given my best these last few days. I’m not necessarily wore down as much as I am just not in the mood for all of this. Believe it or not people, some days you can wake up and be absolutely tired of yourself. Tired of the same things, the same feelings and talking of the same things. 

The irony of it all is that now I have anxiety because I am going out. So many scenarios run through my head; will the next crash be this day, remember to stay calm, parking, is there gas in the car, what if you get hungry or start to feel sick. And, what’s even worse is that since I am coming to new places and places that always have revolving people, I wonder what will they think of me. Will I be welcomed! Will I receive the cold shoulder. And, I am not afraid but it is the weight of all these things to be considered….things that must be considered. 

It makes me want to live this city even more because these are things that I worry about here. And, in some instances its not my mental health that is cause so much of the issue but its the putting myself into situations where my health or progress in my life could be compromised. And, when all this worry, doubt, and self consciousness arises I found that I haven’t really lived that day. 

Instead of living out the day or living out loud, I find that I have waded through the shallow depths of the day and held on for dear life when waves of the day crash against me. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in this feeling. That everyone feels the way I do at one point or another but I highly doubt that. Most people would say take a day off or something like that. But, I don’t think that will really solve this problem. All I think I will do is wait for some inspiration. Something to make me feel better. 

One thing is for sure, I’ve got to get out of my head because it can sometimes do as much damage as it does good. 

Please Like Me

There is a quote or post that I came across yesterday that is simple yet brilliant. It is should be the rule that is globally recognized maybe even a law in some cases. It might sound crazy to you but if you've walked in my shoes, you'd want it in place too. 

The post went something along the lines of "When you don't like someone, everything they do will be disgusting to you". And, when I read that it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Like is such an important thing. 

If you don't like something, you won't give it your best. For example, if you don't like your children, you don't like your job, if you don't like your lover.....your not going to give your best. 

And, having a like for something has always been important to me. I've always been careful of investing my time in things I don't like because I'm not going to give my best. And, now I feel in my life, that I want to get away from certain people not because I don't like them but because they don't like me. And, I need to have people around me who are giving me their best. Not their best surveillance or something like that. Tell me where I am going to get a job so maybe I can pay my bills, tell me good things, and etc. 

And, I think I have really over looked being liked in the love department. I've made excuses for guys in some instances. Yet I realize that the reality is some men can't really like me or be close  to me. And, you start to feel like a job for some men. Something to be clocked on and clocked out of. Something to be paid for. Something to take a vacation from. And, it starts to sink in and you role with it because what better option do you have. 

I want to be loved as well as liked. I want what I give to come back. I want to feel like I'm making progress with someone. I want to build a connection and communication. I want to build a family of my own. I want so many things yet I don't want to lose the spice and variety of life. I want us to bask in it together and seperately.....yet always coming home. 

But, enough about me....the important thing to remember is. Like! If they don't like you, how can they ever love you. 

Worth A Thousand Words

A picture or an image is worth a thousand words. And, in this day in age, we have to be careful of the images we put out and display. Furthermore, we have to be honest about what were about. And, I want to write about that a little bit. 

First, I want to say.....I know a lot of people. Some people who really like and love me. I wish that my family and those around me could actually see the upside of that. That there must be something about me, that all these people would cling to me. And, it's not just my struggle that bought them forth. 

The truth is I love them all back in my own way. And, I still love them even when they are compromised. I've got a friend who has someone in his life that could be classified as an enemy (atleast to me) and they post pictures all over Facebook. Now keep in mind, I don't think about this boy and I like him but it's the reason that he is friends with my friend that I don't like. Anyway, so they post pictures on Facebook all the time. And, I know my friend, I've known him for years and I have studied him. In most pictures he takes with this guy, the happiness is not there. He is not shining like the man, I fell in love with all those many years ago. 

It's for reasons like this that I stand where I stand. And, I know people from outside scream that I am bad or I am out of control. And, they are half right, yes, I am bad and out of control WITH bad and power happy people. But, when you give this image off, it presents this image that I am like Godzilla or one the boys from Grease and I am terrorizing where ever I go, when in fact, it's nothing like that. Atleast, it doesn't start out like that. I'm not going in to stores and being awful to people. I'm not being an asshole to other drivers on the road. I'm stealing from my family or anything crazy. 

However, things like that have happened to me but I digress. What I am about is not seeing strong and good people becoming depend on an organization that does nothing but produce powerful, spoiled, dependent, oppressed martyrs. So many days, I go past people or see people that I was once great friends with and they just don't look the the same. It's not fair! And, for the people, that are happy with where they are, that don't see a problem and all that.....hey, maybe this sickness loves you. I'm not hating on that but don't bring that shit in my life. The truth is it's been screwing me for a long time. It's screwing me now, it's screwing my Mom financially, it's screwing my brother and most likely my Aunt too. And, I don't want to hear no shit about it will work out later because in the end.....some body else is going to have to get screwed for it to work out. And, I would be the devil that it's going to be me. And, everybody is going to be looking around all stupid and sorry while my ass is going through the ringer. 

Anyway, back to this behavior thing, no one is born bad, just like no one is born racist. These are taught behaviors and the teachers being people in our lives and life experience. I've said this a million times in my old blog and now in my current blog, the life you see now among me and my family only partially existed. Things were much worse than they are now. Even though I can honestly that in many ways, this place is starting to get close to that. Insiders might only get this but that theft in the night shit is an old trick that would happen just because. There was no Europeans or anything; I was dating local and mostly black. 

Where I was before was no joke. Dudes on the street, in front of my Mother tried to fight my brother. In front of my mother cursed at me and talked bad about me. For no reason, I was alone, I was not the person I am now. There was no one to help or console me. There was no one to make me understand. My family was there but they were all busy with their own problems yet they had people there for them. But, me, I got it the worse....everything from the way I dress to the boys I dated were criticized and brought down all the time. My health was failing and there was no education or instruction...then just boom...fat. Maybe those people have changed, maybe those people were hurt and maybe I am wrong for not giving a damn about them being hurt one time while I suffered for four years and even more now. 

It's reasons like this why I am who I am. And, the absurdity to think it's justifiable to hurt me or bring me down because regardless of how I was treated, this people were this or that. It just makes you feel like your nothing. And, to see my "peace-able" friends rally behind this makes me feel like....okay where are the puppet strings. Like all of you guys are kidding me right. Then so many people have the nerve to be so high and mighty yet think this is a joke. I've got a friend in New York tell me, "that they were this way because most likely they are in the same position; they don't want to die". And, who has time for frienemies, I've got so many of them and the problem is when they help you with one thing, in the meantime, they have absorbed your current situation/dealings and can cut you down. 

And, I look at people and think you can't just look at me. Just a boy, who didn't graduate high school, did tons of drugs, turned his life around and think "now he is some evil mastermind". But, your so smart that you can even see that maybe there is a reason that he is so protective and defensive. If you could only imagine the things I've seen, the times I've been used and betrayed.....not by just some guy I was dating. But, by people who were in control. I've never met one person that's in control of something and was not dirty. I take that back....the only people I have met that aren't that way, are people that I am friends with now. I don't want to change the world, I don't want to hurt anybody as much as I want to stop the people I love from being hurt. I just want all of us to exist with tags and interests in each other. 

Dark Ambition

It's funny to sit back and watch people just do too much. Like too much unecessary stuff; like it's really going to make things any better for anybody else but themselves. As far as I can see it, it's all very temporary. 

What's scary though the darkness that you see in other people. I know this might sound like a crazy or over the top comparison but I imagine that suicide bombers are very much the same way. There is the dark determination mixed with this steady focus. This belief that this  sacrifice being made of themselves is going to make some big difference. This is the same darkness and ambition that I've seen in my brother these last few weeks. 

Like I totally support people who have drive and ambition but what ever is going on with my brother makes me want to perform an exorcism on him. Ambition should never be at the expense of loved ones. Okay, so your busy that's cool but when it physically hurts other people that's when I'm like, "Oh Hell No!".

This is the same darkness that I've seen in my friend the Big Dee. Last night I had a FaceTime conversation with him about all of this. He says it's not true and that it's me. And, truly I did change on him twice; there was the me that he first met, then I started going crazy on him and there is who I am now. Right Now, I feel better about my life and other people...I'm a bit more loving and patient. And, I'm able to better tolerate a relationship with him. 

At one point I loved him, secretly, I thought this guy is what I need. And, I gave him up and treated him badly for reasons that he might not ever understand. There is this life that I had in the past, that totally wrecked my future. And, if we would have met in a different space and time, maybe so many things would have turned out differently. But, now he has turned into this other person and it's like he doesn't even understand what position he puts me in. He puts me at home; in what should be a normal place. But, there is nothing normal about my life. So we constantly have this friction and tension with each other. But, some how we discovered that we both suffer with this feeling. It's like I am thinking about him, I'm having these warm feelings with tears in my eyes and he literally just texts me. Now I feel like "Oh fuck!" and neither of us deserves that from each other. Inside we are both good people, I know that. 

I don't like sitting back and watching him with the darkness over him. It's like, he was a normal guy until he met me. And, I feel guilty for knowing him and so many other people. It's a burden that I don't think anyone will understand. And, I worry that me and him, like many other once good friends of mines will not survive. I feel the same way about my brother. I'm looking at my home and the shit that went down yesterday has started a many of fights in my house. And, it's just history repeating it's self. They move him in thinking it will be a good idea, he starts working on my nerves, then on theirs, the fights start and my brother moves. And, when they fight my brother starts cussing and they get loud. It's nothing like when I have a disagreement with them. These are so insane days. We need some long term solutions. We need to make some changes are we will always be right here like this. 

Talks With My Best Friend

Today I have a conversation with my best friend. Were both going through tough changes. 

He said: 

Indeed, i seem to make more pitfalls than opertunities for myself in life. :/

Then I said:

I know how that is. I often do the same thing. It's like when I do find good things, I try to commit. But, unfortunately good things often turn bad. Then when you have my medical/mental problems, most people don't understand. When you can't see the issue or feel the issue. It's basically invisible to you. I'm trying to start my life over. But, when other people aren't on the same page or don't support that then it's hard. And, when people bullshit you about supporting you it's really hard because you set your life up to do this one thing and then it doesn't happen. Then you look like an idiot and your basically back to the drawing board. It's tough, I could go get my license now. But, who is going to support me when it comes to buying books, food, and transportation. Plus, even if I do it, there is no guarantee that I'll get a job.

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Right Now, I'm lost if my current ideas and education don't get my life going. But, what's even worse, is that by sheer chance and a conversation, I've discovered that my fate is tied to a few other men's fate. 

I guess the saying is true.....We are stronger while we are united. When we separate, that's when everything else will step in to divide us. All of which really makes me wonder about what's going on around me. It makes me remember just how important everything is. It makes me remember that so much of my life is not about me especially with every new friend I make. 

As much I want to move on and make a pretty picture of my life. I've got to remember where I am. The way that things swarmed over me yesterday; I'm worried! And, I'm worried not only about my future, my happiness but I'm worried about people near far and across the sound. History will repeat it's self. 

Movies And Stars

Hmmm, I should have started writing maybe two hours ago because it always takes me about an hour to write these things. My mind is a little like a scrabbled eggs right now. So many things are on my heart and my mind. And, today is a horrible day because one of my idols died today, The great actress Lauren Bacall. I’ve never met this one before but I have a unique connection to her. Lastly, its an awful day because today my last relationship ended nine years ago today. 

You know how when your a kid, you and your best mates always choose your favorite characters and pretend to be them. When I was a little boy, it was the X-Men or Power Rangers. When I became a young gay lady, then it became female rappers and classic women like Lauren Bacall. In my teenage dreams, me and best gay buds were the leading ladies of How To Marry A Millionaire. For some people, it was just a movie but for poor gay kids like me; it was a guidebook. 

Oh, I can’t tell you how much I wanted to live in a great apartment with my best buds, model, date affluent men and just refined. Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe were icons and I loved them. But, Lauren Bacall, those eyes and that voice. She was dark, with dry humor, strong, sarcastic yet could be vulnerable.  I would have drank her bath water if I could have just had that presence within myself. 

Believe it or not, I think I was more like her before I had my break down. Its amazing who we are when were unconscious. I just lived my life, never really caring about how I looked or seemed. If anything I was just my environment. I’d never made the conscious choice to be my own person. I guess I just naturally equated my surroundings with who I was or what was available to me. Never giving anything else that was outside of my bubble a chance to belong to me. 

So I fell in love with a boy and found out that I am less like Lauren Bacall and more like Courtney Love and Tina Turner. At the very least I am Emma Watson in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Love is hard and loving a man is even harder when you’ve never loved a man before. Even harder that is when you never ever been loved by a man. Always said that I was fine without having a Dad but it was obvious then and its obvious now. I need my Dad or even just the guy I think of as Dad. 

The beauty of destruction and being torn down is you discover your like one Russian dolls. All those huge layers of ego, false self confidence, attitude, faces, disguises and more are gone. Your just naked and your left to work with what you have left. And, that work only makes you have to work on yourself. And, it’s hard to be there with your weaknesses and faults.You can’t cheat yourself. 

For the most part, I have done my work or at least all the work that I can do here. Beyond my health (weight and pains), I am not really unsatisfied with myself. Growing up in the church, it’s seems that we always blame the bad things on the devil. Something gets an attitude with….”Oh, that’s just the devil trying to take my joy”. And, I wish I could say that everything thats happening to me is the devil. I wish I could fix it, break it down or just make it end. 

But, like a a good friend once told me, “You can’t fight a hurricane”. If anything my issue is worse than a hurricane. It’s just layer on top of layer of confusion. It’s like the nano bites from the G.I. Joe movies, consuming and healing it’s self. Therefore, there is no weak link or link that will stay weak long enough. There is no communication except with it’s self. And, the only way I ever see it ending is from the top and maybe just not top but tops. Everything on the bottom, just moves right along. 

It would all be so easy if I didn’t have some concept of who I am. I am thankful to Lauren Bacall for giving me something to live up to and desire. If it weren't for her example and many other strong women like my mother, I wouldn’t be who I am.  And, as much as I hate the fact that I wasn’t smart enough to learn my lessons without the fall, I guess some things happened the way that they were suppose to. I feel authentic and life can only get better. The moral of this story is don’t stop dreaming and having visions for your life. They will get you through hard times, they will teach you important lessons as time go by. It might happen and it might not happen yet. But, whatever happens will groom you to be whatever you want and need to be for the dream to come true. Even though I am taking detours now, my goal haven't changed and my heart is in the same place it was yesterday. Thank You, Lauren.