Everybody's Changing

Seems like the people that you turn your head from are the ones that changed the most. And, it's usually the most hopeless ones. I'll think to myself, how did I end up in the same place where I was before and you over there. And, if it's not that then someone else is not someone is not who they appear to be. 

The feeling is indescribable. I'm don't feel anger or jealously, I feel disappointed. In my mind, I can grasp it in my mind. But, in my heart, I feel a sadness or a mourning that I can't quite describe. It's a sadness not so much for myself (although I do feel left behind) but a sadness because something else will not be the same. 

I won't have the same feelings or thoughts. I won't do the same things and neither will the other because the reality is and the truth is out. It's not a great feeling for me and my issue. Some where along the line I stopped living. All I am now is alive but I'm not living my life to the fullest. So I can't be mad at anyone else really. 

But, to be honest, I'm just trying to keep cool, calm and collected. Everybody and everything is changing and I don't feel the same. Maybe it's a miracle that I have discovered pot again at this time in my life. The problem is when the high comes down, I feel worse all over again. And, I don't want to abuse the pot. Although I have to admit that its losing its charm. Once something becomes a tool, a routine or ritual then its not really fun anymore. 

And, what once was something that was meant to mellow you out has become this thing that is not a good thing. What I don’t want is to be judged. And, I feel judged and messed with when there weren’t so many more appealing options to get better. So once again, my illness has become something to be used against me and my work. Lastly, I think to myself, if I am not sick or if I am believed to be well then what exactly happened with all those job opportunities that I had in the past. And, why does everybody still love to put my name and crazy in the same sentence?

Recently, I have had conversations with a friend who has had mental health experiences similar to myself. And, I talked to him and said “What would make it better?”. Then I talked to another friend and he said to me, “There are more nice people around you than you think”. And, I have been thinking about these two questions all day. 

For the second question I replied, “If this true then I guess the problem is me and my life”. And, that’s what would make my life better, not to be confused with my person. So what would make things better all around, I don’t know, I don’t know how to I can satisfy everyone. If I knew how to do that successfully, I wouldn’t be in the position that I am in now. The only thing I can think to say is just go ahead and accept. Let them run over you like a rushing river. But, I just don’t see that happening. 

As far as I can see, there are more people that hate me and hate who I know (alone) than like me. And, these people are as determined as an ISIS suicide bomber. And, what they do is make things happen like no other does. And, I think that is the thing we have in common. We do what we say where going to do. And, were all smart and adaptable people; qualities that we mistake in one another. But, the more that I smoke weed and am out of routine. Something gives speed and new routine to others. 

As I know it, there is only one way to fix all my problems and maybe more peoples problems. And, as far as I can tell, I don’t think it will happen. All I can say is things are going down; time is not on my side. The way, I see it, folks are testing the water all over and will know how to strike.  And, the only way things go up again is through compliance. I know these people, they will not stop. And, with me being here, I am a direct line to others as well as an outlet. So now is a time for some creative thinking, some new ideas and to make things happen. A change in routine. Some careful and for God’s sake, quiet planning. Lastly, whatever you do, try to stay on the right side of the law. If you can make it legal and keep it legal then there is not much anyone can say or do. As I have shown, people will use whatever they can when they can. So I am sick when it serves someone else’s purpose. And, that can be spun all kind of ways; like I am the sick and crazy kid being taken advantage by foreigners, etc or yadda yadda. This is the way some people see it. Whatever you do, keep it legal, clean up your footprints and keep a good heart. That will be the difference and advantage. 

Photo Of The Day

Curiosity and Reactions

There are two things on my mind. Well maybe more than two things. I'm feeling kind of melancholy and with good reason. But, that's beyond the point. I've been meaning to write about curiosity for a while. 

It's no secret that we live in special times.  And, I look at all my lost friends; friends that are working against me. I wonder if they look at what their doing and think, someone did to me, what I'm doing to someone else. I wonder if they get curious about who or what did it to them. 

I don't know about you guys but I would want know what the hell happened. I would want to know who, what was said and I would want to be able to clear my name. It's a common occurrence these days that people assume everything on observation while the subjects know. That alone changes the nature of things. It could hardly ever be authentic and if kiss your butt is the only way to get to know you then how could that person be authentic. Even if they suffer from Stockholm Syndrome; it's not really real. 

Next I want to talk about reactions. If you talk to several different people about me then your going to get several different answers. And, it's not because I'm crazy or have two personalities. Yeah, I have baggage but I still know how to be nice to people. 

Who I am to other people has more to do with how those people treat me. You treat me mean or bad then you get what you get. And, people don't understand that. I'm not mother Mary. I can't be perfect. 

Furthermore, people can't see themselves. Their egos are so big and they have the power to eliminate their wrongs. But, still expect so much from you. It's not fair because when you fall below those expectations then you suffer. 

Long Distance

Well, I meant to write earlier but I couldn't stop myself from daydreaming all day. I've got so many ideas for things I want to do and need to do. It's bad to be this way to be when you know that you have so much that you need to focus on. 

I know that I don't want to be a bum. I've got so much that I want to do and need to do. But, there is so much that I can do. It's moments like now that I realize the importance of time and distance. Sometimes having the time and space from something. Can make all the difference between being wreck less and impulsive. 

Going through tough emotions with friends and lovers is hard. Being here I have learned that when your on top of someone one all the time, it's easy to get annoyed. It's easy to take a disagreement that should have ended where it started and continue it. Having time and space from each other is what saves relationships in those unsure times. 

In the past I would feel awful about having space from them. I would miss them and have to find a reason to call. And, I would come back so quickly and the air wouldn't be clear. So we would be living with the mess and all over each. Usually ending in broken relationships. So these days I don't feel bad; I just want this person to love. I just want to love people; so you have to give them their freedom. 

Well, that's it for today! Nothing too serious to talk about tonight. But, as the saying goes, tomorrow is another day. And, I'm sure it will be full ups and downs. So until then....

Take A Break

Well, I guess that I am feeling very loving or horny since I think I am going to write yet another post about love orientated stuff. I’m trying to keep it light and sweet if I can. Everything around is so intense and everybody is losing their tact. The language, not just from one or two places, has become very direct. So I guess everybody is reaching their wits end at the same time. And, it takes commitment; you have to be a fed up man with a plan to be like that. Even now as I try to shift my attention elsewhere, I feel myself being drawn in that direction. 

The truth is I am tired of all of that. I just need a break from myself; I think we could all use a break or a cease fire. Just gather our collective minds, hearts and spirits. We need to remember that we write our own destines. And, before anyone loses their mind, they should really think in the long term. I know exactly what I would do if I could just get away or if things were just really good. Yesterday reminded me of that; of what I would do. 

Yesterday I talked to one of my one nights or day depending on how you look at it. It used to be that I would go online, meet a local guy, hit it off and then just go on a date. It would be great! For one night or day, I got to be normal or at least my version of normal. So I met this guy online in like 2010 or 2011, he picked me up and we just talked. And, it was a real conversation; things about our lives, him growing up abroad and his work. It was just normal.  

Even though things were good, for that time, I didn’t hold much hope for the future. I knew that I would be lucky if he lasted a week. But, like most of all things, it was starting to break down. And, somewhere in the days, we just forgot each other. No text message or phone call, there was no fight or big drama; we just faded out of each others lives. He was fun and fantastic. He was bright and funny. 

Nights and days like that, may very well be the reason why I am slutty. There is something about having one on one time with somebody; physical or non-physical. Being emotionally naked is the best thing ever. And, then to have a connection with someone, it’s so powerful. If things like that really mattered anymore, life would be different and I wouldn’t be single. These days you have to be so much more and have so much more. Meanwhile, if I had a uterus, I could trap a man. LOL! (just teasing). 

That’s what hurts in the love that we lose. We lose a connection. And, I love my friends and I miss so many of them. Oh, to be understood and loved for who I am. It really does make a difference. Which is why I can understand some people around me and their tantrum over a so called lost contact. All of which, I am kind of blamed for of course. But, its not like I even knew this or that would happen. But, it’s like I always say, “your busy watching me but there are two sets of eyes watching you all the time - near and far” and “we make ourselves popular by the deeds that we do. Lastly, you have to watch how you treat people or even what you say. Just today, I made a joke which satire comes from a stereotype about white young men in America. But, nobody is letting it live down. 

But, whats the big deal, you guys do it to other people all the time. Talk about doing it to other people in front of me. Like people are shoes or livestock to be bought at an auction. Like teens talking their celebrity crush and get tickets to a concert. So whats the big deal? If it is something so bad then shouldn’t the public know about it so strangers and myself can stay far away from it? But, I guess that’s meant for another blog. 

You Remind Me...I'm Crazy

Every once and a while, I come out of my  shell. I start to believe that maybe things will be different. Just maybe I could meet some new local people. It won't be so hard and complicated. For a while it goes good but then something happens. Something that says, he you've gone to far and your not enough. Something that says stay in your place.

Now that's just an under tone not what the actual message says. The undertone is kind of what it means for me. And, then I'm caught some where inbetween being mad or feeling sorry for myself. 

As someone with a mental illness I can say that some people can keep you crazy. And, they know they have this power and can exercise it to control and manipulate you. It's not fun and it's not nice. 

But, where on planet earth does it make sense to be an asshole to someone, who you think is crazy and needs help. Now keep in mind, this what someone else thinks. If I wear my hood when it's hot, I'm crazy. If I like something or do something that's not common then I'm crazy. If I'm late or do something wrong it's because I'm crazy or stupid....not because I'm overwhelmed. When you have a history of mental illness then everyone sort of expects you to be like them if your truly healthy. 

And, I don't want to live a life where I'm constantly trying to prove myself. At the same time, I still want to be objective and hear what's being said to me. These days, certain things like this don't bother me because I have been going through this for several years. But, I know that at the same time, I can't be around people like that. Catch me on the wrong day and at the wrong time, I will explode on you. And, it be because I'm crazy, it will be because my patience is low. 

Days Go By.....

Never thought I would miss routine. Despite looking like a terribly lazy and unorganized person now, I know that's not who I am. A while back I was running in an old area that I used to run in all the time. 

Seeing all of the old stuff reminded me of a better me versus better days. When I would prepare to go out in public, I didn't think about other people like I do now. Back then I would think about, do I look and feel sexy in this. Now when I put on clothes, all I need to know is if it's clean and does it match. Depending on where I am going, will let me know how important matching is. 

In my mind, there is too much of other people. Yeah, there are too many people pushing up in my life but that's not as important as other people always being on your mind. What other people think, is none of my business and is not necessarily true. But, I still think of them. I still wonder about them. 

And, I recognize that, that is a horrible flaw in me. But, if it wasn't for other people always having the power to affect your life, I wouldn't care. It's always tit for tat in my life. If I do something that something that affects one person then that person has to come along and do something to affect me. We're always trying to teach each other lessons. 

So the days go by and when things go wrong or differently, I wonder, what did I do wrong now? What am I paying for now? Most times I fail to see the lesson. I fail to see how anything that's happening is going to help anything. In most cases, I've offended because some wrong was done to me or I was protecting myself. So when retribution comes around then and there l feel like; well you've done this for your satisfaction. You've done this for a laugh or to make me feel bad. And, that is sinister. 

Why are people this way? I don't know about you guys but I don't have much. And, I find people who have a lot or more than you, can easily do things to you without a second thought. Even if there is a second thought, I know that these people can move on a lot easier because they have so much. In this, I can easily find a lesson. And, my prayer and my wish is that no matter what happens as the days go by, I just want to be conscious, humble and considerate.