In The Beginning

Today I don’t want to really write about anything too risqué. And, some of you might have noticed that even though some topics are negative in nature, I try to put a positive spin on things and if not positive at least a little more inquisitive, equal or fair. Why? More than some topics being under lock and key or witness protection ;-) , some topics I just don’t know all the facts. I don’t have concrete evidence. And, you really need more than concrete evidence these days. People are so influenced these days; you might dealing with a hand that’s being controlled another brain. So I can put puzzle pieces together and talk about my experiences.

Recently me and my best friend started to talk about love. In the conversation I stated that there is nothing like the beginning of the relationship. It’s in this time, a guy will go the extra mile, love gives you energy that you don’t have all the time. So you do things that you wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. And, there is an abundance of sex to go around. And, guys do those romantic things that they normally do. 

The beginning is the part that I never get beyond; to my luck and misfortune. I kind of miss having someone to make up with; the second best part of a relationship. But, that’s another story. I just make the best of what I have going on but it is rather boring. I can’t tell you how many times, met a guy on Grindr, I have gone over his house, had drinks (not necessarily alcoholic), told my whole life story, had sex with him, cuddled for a little while, showered together, then some type of romantic gesture, then I leave and there is most likely no second date. 

And, it always starts so hot and heavy, it just feels like there is something more between us. But, what’s really unfortunate about this is that it only seems to happen with local guys. I could go to Europe today, meet a guy, do all those things I said above, and still maintain a better relationship with him than I do with any of American man. At this point, I have only two American guys that are kind of constant in my life, that I can call friends. There are maybe three or four other guys that I trust but dont talk to often. 

If there is any part of these beginning its the endings. Things dont necessarily go bad like we have a fight or argument but somewhere along the line. We give up; it’s not even a conscious decision. But, some guys claim they are busy, like some how they weren't busy before we had sex. Some guys don’t even fake the funk, they just don’t answer any more. And, somewhere along the line, some how and some way these guys turn into enemies. Its like, there you were, in the back ground of my life for months and weeks, my big supporter and then you change. 

Some times I wonder what it is about me that made it this way. They say love is complicated but I think love is not complicated. When you love someone and that person really loves you too, it’s easy as pie. It’s the actual relationship part that is hard, the lack of communication, hear say, using our eyes, not our hearts, space and things like that. Things would run so much smoother if we could just talk to each other. But, then again, there is no guarantee that would work. 

Afternoon Edition: Welfare Child

Sometimes I feel like the students I used to take care of. Here in California special needs children have to have IEPs. They are these individual assessments of the child's competence and skill. Based on these assessments several things can happen for example a child can be given access to all kinds of services or he can be taken away. Several other things can happen but those are just two examples. 

But, it was a nasty process especially once parents got involved. Some parents would seek legal action. They would say things like, "well when he is at home, this is how he is". And, they would demand certain services that they very well might not be entitled to. 

This brings me to one of my points. Who I am to you, I might not be to the next person. With my friends outside of my home life, in public and with strangers.....I am who I really am. Being at home, it is a different story because I have a certain kind of history. A history that most would not understand. And, I'm not going to get into all of that right now. But I will say that how can you be kind, respectful or listen to someone when you know A. What they think of you. B. When they have or played a part in things that have hurt you but innocent friends. C. Have lied to you on several occasions. And, yesterday I heard some one say...."well we don't fight with out family". That's because you probably had a family asshole, is what I said to myself. I've never been apart of a family or a crew, there are few people in my life today that I have known for years that at one point haven't betrayed me or lead me a stray. I don't really know how to belong or be apart of something because I'm repeatedly cast out and whether it be by actions or words, I'm told that I am wrong, the things that I like and do are bad and wrong. 

So if I am crazy, wrong, weird or fucked up in the head to you then that might explain it. And, I can't lie I am mentally unwell. I've caught a lot of trouble because of that. Most people tend to equate sanity and smarts with me. And, I am only smart when it distances me from mental health help. At my clinic West Central, I can hardly get help anymore. I call to make appointments and no one answers or my appointments get messed up. And, I am shot around from doctor to doctor. So I am trying to change my clinic now. But, I have started self medicating. Everyone used to get on my case because they disliked my medication because of the side effects; permanent shaking, sickness, weakness and bad nerves. Most people seemed to act like I was taking it for my vanity. Well after the last two years, I have gained over thirty pounds. And, as it stands, I have gained 100 pounds since 2009. I would say that the pill wasn't working then. My body felt so impure and still does most days, I'm always full of fillers and drugs. You could probably get high off my blood. So I smoke pot now! It cures my ailments; my muscles even feel a little better. But, now everyone has a problem with my pot. And, truth me told, I get tired of missing out on life for moments at a time. I wish I never needed any kind of drug. But, I do! 

Sometimes I just feel like if I stay this person; sick and some that everyone thinks is the seed of the devil then they won't have access to benefits and services. I know what it's like to be loved and the best parents that I have ever seen are usually the parents that have special needs children. They fight for their children. If they see that something is making them smarter or better; they go to the ends of the earth to have it. Not for themselves but for the child. Some times I just feel like a welfare kid; a meal ticket for somebody else. 

And, I'm looking at myself and at this life of mines and despite all the love I have, I am still sad about all the hate. My existence is tied to the livelihood of so many people that I have not invited into my life. People that took it upon themselves to insure my downfall, so they could insure their survival and elevation in life. Never thinking about who I am or what the hell am I going to do next. If I can't go to school, I am destined to fail my classes, can't get mental health services, can't have the friends I want, be the weight that I want to be, have sex, masturbate in peace, get a job, have a boyfriend, smoke pot, travel abroad to help the less fortunate.....then what can I actually do but sit here and get fat. 

When events like this happen, I wonder about my life and future. I wonder what the hell I am going to do with my life? What can I actually do with my life? Who the hell are my friends really? It's getting to the point where I am scared to stay here because there is no way I can keep all these people out of my life and face at every turn. Things that have nothing to do with them. What if all that was happening now was to try and give me a life here. A life that was not online and more real. A life that I could accept and enjoy then obviously the recent actions will tell us that, that is not possible. 

The Upper Hand

It is definitely my belief that experience is the best teacher. But, I think in all things there is a line and a limit. If you feed too much into experience or another persons experience then you will be living with ghosts. I’m conflicted because I am surrounded by people who are determined to believe that has happened in the past is going to happen to them. And, in reality I think if that was going to happen, it might have happen already….who knows. But, the irony of all of it, is that in the process of being determined to not have the past happen to them. They are acting just like the people from the past; doing the same things that got those people in trouble if not worse. 

As it stands, I don’t think anybody has been hurt or anything. But, I think it’s quite evident that a giant mass of people intend on hurting another group of people. And, it’s not that they have done anything to you, it’s just off the sheer fact that people can see you and to be quite honest all this drama is just your fear talking. Only hurt and scared people do such things unprovoked. It’s so sad that the truth is soooo bad that people are organizing to do more of the same thing. 

Nobody is waking up and saying……”Hey, we have to do things the right way. No whammies or drama”. And, I am tired of the idea of respect, rank and ability being the excuse for bad behavior. If I wanted to have an excuse for bad behavior then my claim is perfectly legitimate. You think you are a parent or someone to govern over me then the truth is respect is something that is earned. If it is possible to take a child away or for a child to go away because of an adults bad behavior. Then we can conclude that good behavior must give to adults not take away. And, I am a lover of people. You do me right and I am going to be right by your side, doing you right. What have you done for me? I wish I knew and if I did, I would be trying to thank you right now. 

Anyway, like I have said before recently, it really disturbs me to see all these people coming together who don’t like each other; people who have spied on each other, oppressed each other and talked shit about each other. I wish I could understand the tie that binds. All I am seeing is evil attitudes coming from it and as it stands I am not the only one whose watching. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with protecting yourself. That goes for everyone around the world. But, I just don’t feel that I can get with people who feel that they can touch you, get all in your business and not expect for the same thing to happen to them. It is fucking stupid! 

You may not believe in karma but you would think that some where along the line you would have heard about it. It’s like you can’t shit all over people near and far then not expect somebody when given the chance to get your ass back. Everyone is so concerned with one man, myself and one sect of people that they can’t see anything else. And, what’s really worrisome is the fact that I have a feeling that most people, even the people that are coming together, can see beyond the current circumstances. Yeah, what’s happening now might look bad…..this is a tipping point. Have you seen everything that has come before this. Do you know what happened with the man that you all are crowding under. 

The truth is I distanced myself from him because it was too hard to live under his light. The same thing that a few choice people (on both sides of the fence) are discovering now. I liked him  and I still like him to this day. But, with all that I have been through and my experience in this life, when he tried to tell me who my friends were. That’s when I had to step away! I didn’t want to have to make a choice between my good Australian friend whose been a great friend to me and him a great guy that I just met. I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I had to choose my friends or where I started to live his life. A few months down the line, I had a talk with a local friend and discovered that he was introduced to me through questionable sources; you know. I guess people thought he would be a cure all; love and union. And, I want to say thanks for the gesture. He was and is amazing! But, I wish I would have known from the beginning because it would have saved all of us a lot of trouble. I tried very hard to be with him, to stick with him and be a friend but it was making me crazy. Lastly, it wouldn’t have worked out because I am a rebel or bad…..it wouldn’t have worked out because nobody should have the power to manipulate people and their lives. Nobody should have the power to walk in and out of someone’s life, cause hell, leave and expect to no suffer consequences. If I banged against my kitchen wall right now, I am going to suffer consequences. And, because so many people are hurting on both sides of the fence and they don’t know the truth; they cant even allow themselves to see it. 

Look at the way things are happening now. This is the beginning of chaos and of someone getting ready to do something that they regret. Even now I am trying to distance myself from all those bad people or just people. And, you all see it as an act of war. Forget what everybody else is doing, you aren’t even seeing what I am doing. That kind of shows that most people locally don’t see me as one of them or just for who I am. I’ve not written one bad word about anybody; I have celebrated the love and friendship that I have for these guys. And, I think that it’s sad! Were a spoiled people! And, I feel sad because we are so used to living wrong because its easy and no one wants to change that. I know it’s hard to live right even harder to live with no defenses. But, I know that even if a 50/50 resolution came it wouldn’t work. No one wants to face the music. You’ll make me face up to my problems and mistakes of my past but you won’t face yours and if you do, you have to have the upper hand. 

Hey Snoopy

Okay, the example that I am about to give you is very cliche but I want you to bare with me. So I am assuming that everyone reading this has went to high school. And, when you went to high school there was at least one kid who was a total asshole. So you graduate and you meet this person done the line. Then you find that this person is a totally brand new person, this person is a good person even though they might have made your life a living hell. 

Being a bad person is just like being a racist simply because it is a learned experience. It is something that we learn from other people. And, it is something that grows in us. I know some of you might think that there is no excuse for an adult to not act right. But, the mind is a tender and delicate thing….if you’ve ever been a fool in love, if you ever had a mental break down or been betrayed by a friend then you were under the control of someone else. 

And, I can say from experience that when you feed a monster or a brain it grows bigger. So if you fight or treat a person equally awfully then you have feed the thing that has started a fire in the mind. You have to love the people that hurt you. You have to love the people that are trying to hurt you. And, I know its hard because I have a few choice people in my life who I think are the Devil or Hades actual seed. 

Despite all the reasons that everyone has been spouting, you have to love people sometimes for what they don’t know. I’m not saying treat people like they are idiots. For example, I have someone in my life and I feel him being pushed out. And, to be honest, he has kind of been pushing him self out. But, some how and some way, we have still remained friends. That alone is reason enough to hold on because you want people in your life who will root themselves to the ground, hold on. 

And, it wasn’t until yesterday that I was sure that something was trying to come between us. I want to believe its just in my head or that its stupid. I’m hoping that there is something I am missing. But, I am starting to believe that its not. This event means something, not just for me and him but for so many people that I have lost in the past. I just think its ugly to break people up; its not like were crutches or ruining each others lives. It’s this way for one or two reasons, 1. being that they dont want us to be friends because of who we are and what could be offered to each other. 2. because maybe…..just maybe somebody doesn't want somebody to see something or see something that’s about to happen or has happened. But, then again when I think about it…..it could be as awful as it looks and they (including him) want me to leave him and cause a scene that will further damage me. 

Whatever is going on and whatever happens…We have to live in love. It’s the one thing that other people can’t seem to do because they have been hating for so long. But, on a final note, something happened just recently and a couple times in the last few hours. I’ve been painted as someone who is pulling strings and calling in favors. Like I am some kind of king pin or something. What other people do or do in my name has nothing to do from me. And, anybody who says I am lying or a liar, I seriously question where you get your info from and your perspective of things. You came in a tipping point but there is a whole back story that you didn't even exist for. But, to be threatened is scary! 

Mirrors

It troubles me that you could ask three different people, "Who I am?", and get three different answers. You'd get those answers for several different reasons. This world is not fair; you can't have the same relationship with everybody. 

People change, people go through things and people are different. The most common reason I find that I have problems with people is we don't start with a clean slate; they have some idea about you or consider you a task. And, I find it's a lot easier to have a relationship with people who want to walk, love, or work with you. 

Most people around me are mirrors or transmitters. Taking pictures or reflecting what they can. But, can you trust the reflection of someone who can see who you are. You do know or understand why/why I work. Your position doesn't exactly allow you to be my friend and if you aren't my friend than your virtually a stranger. Your someone who knows of me, someone to harshly judge any single movement my body makes. That's the value of us. And, it makes me sad! 

These days are extremely harsh due to other peoples reflections and ideas of me. So I try to spread the love around not because I stopped loving but because you need to remind some people. It's without a doubt in my mind that I know that one of these folks is going to do something to jeopardize the relationship that I have with them. And, why do it for people you don't like, don't want me to be around or even in the name of people you don't like. It makes no sense to me. 

You feel the excitement and the amping of personalities. You feel the charge and the arrogance of that moment when it's time to go in for the kill. And, you feel the movement and the rumors of organizations and oranges dancing together. I'm not scared as much as I'm disappointed. It's been six years and were all pretty much doing the same thing. Only people with lives that aren't going anywhere, aren't going far or have gone as far as they are going to go have time for this B.S.

And, in the end, I recognize that most of the problems I have are because of other people. There are sick and functioning people all over this world. I could very well be one of those people. But, I recognize that the main thing that holds me back is other people. If I left today I know some of the questions that would play in other peoples heads, "who would my Mom and Aunt take care of?", "what about the secrets?", and things along those lines. Anybody who says they are worried about my bills, school or something like that is a liar or is related to me. If anybody was worried about that they would telling where a job is versus trying to convince the world that I am a bum or anything else. I know that one day I will have do something unthinkable to change my life. 

Afternoon Edition: Should You Stay

I’ll never understand some people. I know I seem pretty dunce about some situations. But, I will never understand people who stick by people who don’t actually like them but like what they can do for each other. After a while, I used to think it was because of the reward and then I thought…maybe it’s because they don’t know. And, know I think I am at the point where I think some people stay in the positions that they are in primarily because they know they are in deep. And, being in deep is one situation that binds situations and people. 

Being on the other side of the fence, I see it all. Like there are a lot of people that, when someone is my friend and takes care of me then that person usually gets run through the mud and everything about me is run through the mud too. And, then all imperfection and exaggeration about me is pronounced. Meanwhile, when they decide to serve everyone else then life is much better for them. 

What surprises me most is that it doesn’t seem to matter to anyone. If there was anyone around who cared, I know someone should be asking me if I am okay. But, no one seems to ask. No one seems to care. If anything, one of the few people who did care, is gone. And, that’s the irony and sad thing about the whole situation. No one cares and no one cares about who you are. 

Even if it all boils down to duty and obligation. So what! I don’t care what your duty is if my life is worse off for it. And, you can sooner question people about their sexual habits versus their morals and ethics. So maybe I should feel sorry for people and their lack of choice. But, the truth is their choosing their happiness even if assumed under extreme circumstances. Everybody loves to win, to be the champion and to be happy. 

My decisions and decision making skills are based on who I am not where I am. I am a person in constant flex and transition. I am always going to grow and evolve. I can live by sets and standards but I will always be who I am. As I live and breathe, I will always be me. Hopefully thats good enough for other people. If not, I move on and if I cant move on….I cope. And, I am coping with a lot right now. 

Poof! Vamos! Gone! Nada!

There are people in this world that you can’t talk to about their lives. Some that you can’t even meet. In many ways, I am kind of one of them but I live my life publicly. But, then again, I don’t have much choice about that. Anyway, today’s post is not just about me but about a specific set of people in my life. This post is about the people who disappear. Yeah, I know people disappear all the time and usually the ones that you don’t really care about. 

In my life it has been different. In my life, I have had a lot of friends but have only really bonded instantaneously with a select few. It wasn’t just that I found a friend; friends are almost a dime a dozen compared to the kind of relationship that I am talking about. What I am talking about is different; its special and it’s important. I had a few soul mates! People that I never got tired of and always enjoyed even when something or they made me mad. 

And, I understand that relationships end. But, it’s how you end it that makes the difference. So if you get into a major fight with a friend and it ends then so be it. But, to just disappear before the climax. It’s like living in a Lord Of The Rings or Hobbit movie; just when you think things are about to pop all the way off and then boom….it’s over. That’s not right! It leaves you in a state of wondering. 

I can’t tell you guys how many scenarios that I have gone over in my head and I wondered if it was something I did wrong or could have done better. Did something get lost in translation? What could be so strong that it could make you end this extraordinary relationship we have? If I were you, I would have fought a little harder or at the very least said something. And, then all that sadness and worry turns to doubt and anger…..”Well maybe I was in love and friendship alone…….maybe to them I am just another guy”.But, in the end, all emotions aside, you just want to know what happened. 

There is one particular case, that I can’t really understand or makes heads of tails of. Many times I speak of a time when there weren’t too many Europeans in my life. At that time, my life kind of went like this….I would wake up sometime between 4 and 9 am. I might exercise or get some breakfast. My Aunt would leave for work and I would talk to my best friend (who was an American and local to me). We would talk all day long while he was at work and then maybe see each other afterwards. We did everything together even when we stopped seeing each other romantically. We would exercise together, eat meals or just go out to do something. He was so close to me that he was on good terms with my birth mother. She still asks about him sometimes because she liked him and trusted him.

I knew he didn't like coming around my apartment. I guess everyone always wondered why there was this white guy coming over to get me. And, they would mad dog and have all kinds of stunts while I was getting dressed upstairs. Towards the end, there were a few bumps in my relationships. I wasn't living where I am now. And, after losing the job that I really wanted, you would think that I would stop listening to the hunches that I was getting. So some how I go the notion that we were getting back together and that he was in trouble; that the boyfriend wasn’t the one for him. And, that was not the case I guess; he was happy with him and they were going to all these cool places. Some how we got to be on different pages or something. And, I guess I kind of wanted him back but there was something different. 

So anyway, its my birthday 2011 and I talked to him that morning. We were suppose to meet that after noon. I’d been suffering from insomnia so bad then. I’d been consulting him about it like I did everything. And, I woke up an hour late and he was gone. I didn’t hear from him again except maybe once or twice. That december or early January while I was a fashion intern was the last time I spoke to him. I’d told him that I was doing well. Getting this job was one of the first things that I had ever did without consulting him. He was my best friend and right side of my brain. Them Poof! Vamos! Gone! Nada! Here it is almost 2015 and I am still wondering what happened. I wish that I knew! 

If he came back or any of the others, I would just want to say, "I'm sorry for whatever happened to you. I'm sorry for whatever I did to you. I'm sorry for whatever went wrong". Then after that I would most likely fight the urge to cry and slap him across the cheek. Then hug him really hard before he goes somewhere again. He opened up my world. He was the first friend that I made after leaving the darkness that is Georgia and being separated from my ex boyfriend. With him I never really knew the troubles I knew now. We lived in the real world.