Drawn Into It

Seems like the older that we get, some things stay the same. The one thing that I am going to write about today is the “he” say and “she” say. It is this gossip that can sometimes make or break situations. And, I have had several events in my life with friends and lovers that break down because of communication. It’s one thing to learn gossip on the fly but another to be drawn into it. 

In a particular situation, I heard the word on the street that I was this that and the other. And, since I really can’t get clarification of some thing and I hearing all this he say and she say. Wnat’s a boy to do but assume the worst and take it all in. Now its one thing to know that your relationship is breaking apart but it feels different. I feel like I am being pulled away. And, I just don’t like that. 

Is there a way to break the rumor mill, save face and know the difference. It is because of certain matters and instances, I feel like a fool not that I didn’t feel like one before. But, at this point, I just want to move on; I dont really care whose wrong or right. Why? because I just don’t feel like fighting about things that are going to produce anything good, bring in love and build things. I’m interested in truth and building up my character. I’m interested in helping people and being in a web of friendship. 

The most I can do for any of my sins or deeds is say sorry (even though I’ve said it before). I don’t know if that sorry will fall on deaf ears, if it will be accepted or returned. But, I’ve just got to keep on growing in the meantime, I have got to get better at my own life; smarter, stronger and definitely harder. So the moral of the story is don’t put too much faith in gossip and don’t lose yourself in it either. 

It Happened On Centinela St

Once again, the topic of rape has come into play. Someone whom I know and like was raped. And, I feel awful for him as well as angry. We started this conversation yesterday and I couldn’t find out why I was angry. There is that occasion that I wrote about back in August or July but there was something more. So I asked my friend about this occasion and what he considered rape to be. His answer was not what I expected it to be; I didn’t know rape the way that he knows it. But, I don’t doubt that he was violated. 

So this morning, a memory came back to me. Something that I have long suppressed in my mind. Something that I have hardly ever told a soul not because I was ashamed but because no one believed me. As you guys know, I am the slutty boy or was the slutty boy. I still believe in flirting and sharing naughty pics. But, my heart always stays in the same place. Anyway, let me take you guys on a trip back in time. 

When I was thirteen or fourteen, my life was totally different. I was just a boy with band aids on his knees from playing outside with all the other kids. But, I know I liked male sex; notice how I didn’t say men or boys because I loved all of them. And, my best friend was not the best friend that I speak of from time to time. It was another black guy. He wasn't really a good friend, I think he saw me as this annoying kid to pass the time with (as he was maybe two to four years older) and I was his friend because he was one of the only other black gay kids I knew.

So you guys know that I was homeless for most of all of my teens. And, my mother and I just moved into this transitional apartments for people who were homeless. The westside and south central are two different places. Now I was between Beverly Hills, Westwood and Brentwood, a far cry from the gang ridden streets of LA. So I was bored out of my mind, my family didn’t own a computer, cell phones didn't have apps or color screens and they only way to be gay was to go to the bars or get on the party line. Two things I wasn’t really interested in. 

So my best friend at the time says, okay, let me hook you up with someone. And, back then blind dates weren't so uncommon. My friend describes him and tells me he is like in his late 20’s or 30’s, light skin muscles, tall, has his own place and a blue mustang. So I am excited, I call him and he comes to pick me up the same day. I loved things things like that; I’ve got to fly by the seat of my underwear. 

We he arrives, I am anything but turned on but I’ve made the date and my rule is to always follow through. You never know what adventure can happen. He wasn't my type at the time but I figured what the hell. So we decided to go back to his house and relax; watch a movie or something. I’m fourteen or so and cant think of anything else more exciting. So we get to his apartment in Inglewood, we sit down, and we relax. 

After a while, he begins to start taking off his clothes. His body is cover freckles and moles in a really disgusting way but it was kind of hot in his apartment. So he starts making his move and I think okay, I will kiss him and leave it there. But, he keeps going, he starts trying to take my clothes off. And, I stop him and find a way to go to the bathroom. When I went in the bathroom, I dont even think I used it. I think I called for my best friend to come pick me up and take me home. So I came back out and made no mention of my phone call. 

He tries to kiss me again. This time when I pull away, he doesn’t let me. He is locked on to me, he is trying to pull off all my clothes. And, I remember trying to fight back but he was so much stronger than me. When he tried to have anal sex with me, I did the only thing I could and scream “no” multiple times. I screamed and fought until he let me go. After that he didn't really have much to say. I just gathered my clothes and waited outside on Centinela st. 

The irony is that I love right around the corner from where this guy most likely still lives as his father owned the apartment building. This is how I define rape; this is how I know rape to be. And, it is something that I would never do to anybody because I know how it feels. I know what it’s like to be hurt. So when my best friend comes to pick me up, I tell him all about it and he doesn’t even believe me. He laughed in my face and I never really told a soul again. 

I cant say it more clearly or loudly, rape is a serious accusation and the pain of it is even more serious. And, I think rape should have different classes and definitions. As some one whose been on both sides of the fence (not saying that I raped anyone). But, I know the pain that comes from both sides and the scars can last much longer than any of us can imagine. So to all you guys, think twice before you say rape and know what it really means. No means no but no can mean a totally different thing after a line of yeses. Know how to defend yourselves and protect yourself. And, be selective of your partners if you can. 

Afternoon Edition: A High Declaration

A declaration of war is not always so formal. Sometimes the signs speak for themselves. And, at that exact moment, I feel the pains of the future coming long before they arrive. I know the very scrutiny that I will feel downline. And, my heartbreaks at the thought of all the losses I will suffer, at the thought of being alone and losing all the love that holds me now. All I see is human faces with so much light in them; minds with a third eye that holds liberal vision. I’ve never seen anything more real in my life. 

And, I know that I cant face this destruction again. This time I want to stop the collision; not again. I’d rather stay and face what ever my lesson is here. I’d rather lose my soul then be lost of another person who could see me. See me for who I am; the good, bad and the ugly. Those same eyes still turn to you and say lets get to work. Let’s live and work. That’s all I ever wanted; to belong to something that wasn't dark, dysfunctional, or psychotic. In a world where your birth dictates your place, your race serves as basis for hate and where we play battleships with our lives on macro and micro scales, is it so wrong to want more or be more. 

Is it so wrong to not want to be simply just a generational update of your parents life. I just want to feel like I am making dents in this world; teaching children, making friends, seeing the world and letting the world see me.…seeing the community that I come from. It’s always been in me, this feeling of being free, but somewhere along in my childhood I met disfunction and we married in her name. Identity is so important in this world and I don’t want to give mines away to be perfect for someone else’s purposes. I have purposes of my own; I wish to love a man that’s not like me, that’s not like what I know. 

If I could break the ties that bind then maybe I could live that purpose and serve it. But, as it stands I can make no expectations of man, as I have my hands tied behind my back and leg shackled to the ground. All that I offer is myself, my love, friendship, my time and of course a collision. What wicked webs we weave, it took all of this for me to understand what friendship and love really was. The only thing that you might actually take when you go to meet your maker. Love and friendship, those places in my life where the war is really fought.

So should I stay or should I go. Do I keep calm and carry on ;-) Do I try harder to keep love and light within me. Should I grow thick skin and claws. Should I be a mean boy? What in the world should I do besides cope. All I want is a way to keep the wild and dark days away. A way to walk in the sun and light and be okay. To be healthy and valuable to society. I’ve got a lot more thinking to do and rationalization to do. You’ve got to lose to know how to win. But, I can’t handle too many more loses. 

The Importance Of Sleep

For the last few nights I have been suffering from insomnia. Plus, my sleep schedule is off and I’m not feeling well. The good news is that I don’t have much going on at the moment as I am on vacation. And, I don’t want to be bratty and petty about the small stuff; things could be worse. But, I am reminded as to why I like to sleep earlier. I like to avoid all of the hassle and stress of people. By 2 p.m, I am just done with the world. 

It’s funny how when you go of the things that bind you up, you can really see and listen to things. You can understand people better. So as I lay here, I listening to everything not because I want to but because its all very distracting. I’m trying to let myself fall into my dreamland but every time I almost get there, I hear foot steps and bumps within the building, I’m hearing lines from movies that I liked and more. And, I just can’t fall asleep. 

So now my brain is ticking away and I am putting things together in my head, “Have turned on the Where’s My iPhone feature, how am I going to pay bills for the rest of month. How can I save money or make a little extra money. Did I lock all my stuff up. Oh, shit I forgot to wash the dishes, I am going to hear about that in morning”. And, then I start thinking about yesterday and today plus I am anticipating the next day. Then I am thinking about my friends and family; the burden I am to them and the burdens that I have given them. 

There have been some good things to come out of this insomnia. I don’t know if I am having good luck, if I have aligned myself well or I just have the favor of the Gods, but whatever the case I’m thankful. And as much as it hurts, I also feel better because something validated other feelings, writings and thoughts that I’ve had. When you’ve been repeated been told things like your stupid or a liar. It wears on you and it sinks in a little. So knowing is a real pleasure for me right now. 

However knowing that I am having problems with so many friends at one time is troublesome. These arent just people that I fucked and forgot about. No one understands the ties and no one understands what its like to feel the only people that you’ve ever had in your corner turn on you. It hurt when I knew they were lost to me but to feel them twist and turn the knife into you is like losing them all over again. I havent really cried or had the time to even feel bad about it. So I wear it like I wear all the other bad titles that I own. I’ve got to carry on and face the possibility that I might have to start to look at these friends as enemies. 

And, I think it’s a really shitty thing to be blackmailed for friendship. I think it’s a really shitty thing and petty thing to harass someone until you agree to be friends with someone. And, more than all of these, I really think that its a shitty thing that I have to suffer because everyone has “evil eye glasses” on me. Everyone is looking for that aggressive move, that one thing that they can use to blow hell right own . And, I don’t really want to give anyone the pleasure the or the gift of my wrath, help or sadness especially if it can be turned around and used against me. And, once you start fighting, everyone is going to look for a reason to keep going. 

When I look over the last two days, I reminded of the differences between me plus my friends and other people. I’m reactionary, I respond to events and happenings that I come across. While  most other people are stirring the pot always. I’ve got a friend here who is always talking about a day away from the internet. And, I think to myself, I would love that or the ability to talk to just my favorite guy. But, the minute that you sit down and try to just enjoy life; it’s like the world around me starts to tumble down. Next thing I know, my computer is going to break down or my phone or something. 

Now by this I mean no offense but I just wonder who I could be or what I would be like if I didn’t have to deal with stuff like this all the time. Everyone complains about how exhausting or helpless that they feel. How the heck do you think that I have been feeling for the last few years. I’m tried and living like I do is the only thing I am good at. If there ever is a end to all these issues, I will be starting at level one. 

Afternoon Edition: Deal or Nordea?

It is hurtful to see history repeat itself! But, interesting to see history repeat it’s self but in a new way. Now I am going to get rather cryptic and maybe funny so bare with me. There may be more direct ways of saying things but there are also less offensive ways. Writing this blog is like walking a tight rope some days. Telling the truth and not offending someone. I know some bad ass people that will fuck your life over without a second thought, but can get really butt hurt over a few sentences. 

So anyway, I had a few ideas in mind and theories that I am going over which I am sure that the coming days will prove that I am either right or wrong. So in the mean time, here is what I see. In the past, I have seen populations bow and fall in a matter of months, I dont know if that is due to geographically location or the fact that these people pose not a big enough threat. I’m not entirely sure how or why. 

But, I am sure of is that people are looking at today’s times like its car shopping at the auto mall. They want to look at all their options, test drive and as of now….looks like they kind of want to take it home or here. Whatever! The fact that its taken so long for them to do what was done in a matter of months is funny. And, what’s really unique is the fact that now they are using the past acquired resources to gain information and to create an opening for themselves. You know whom I speak of….its that job, baby! Has to be! I can’t guarantee it but his name isn't the only reason why he was chosen. 

Anyway, its one thing to be a shady bitch and to drive by on some one. Get something and to keep it pushing. But, people are so unconscious. So determined to get one person that they don’t see what they are doing to other people in the process or to me in the process. I just hope that whatever he is getting is worth sacrificing our relationship like this. I just guess I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. But, then again, I still don’t know if I can really blame him for certain things. 

Like for instance, I can’t say for sure that what happened last night is a direct result from him but I am pretty damn sure that he knew about it. Based on the way things unfolded and people that called in. Yesterday was revenge, revenge for reaching out to someone locally who was kind of in the background of my life. I don’t know about you guys but when someone is in the background of my life, I want to be right there with that. As much as looks could be deceiving these days, I want to be right there with them. I want to ask questions and give answers. But, more importantly, I am just trying to reach out to who I can because I am so curious to understand. I want for all of this drama to be over so bad. 

Anyway, what’s really troubling is not the fact that the revenge took place. What’s really troubling is who might step forward in his place if he should go. Who might take over the reins. A new guy? or “the he who shall not be named”. And, you all really know what and who I am talking about now. If this event takes place, you all are going to see some things. And, some people really might get hurt. The guy that got revenge on me, is a sweet heart throwing air kisses compared the latter. And, what will he take over; car shopping or the whole damn thing. 

I’d be lying to all of you if I said I wasn’t scared. More and more I have all talk people down from the ledge of doing something really insane. Things are getting desperate, people are getting tired and feed up around here. People around here don’t like to look like fools. They don’t like to be scared. And, they really don’t like to feel out of control or powerless. And, the same goes for those guys in the background. Also, I am sorry that so many people feel that way; I don't know what horror stories you’ve heard to make you this way.  So I am trying to stay positive and trying to prepare for the worst. But, if push comes to shove and things go really bad. I just have to say and I hope it echoes in all of my loved ones heads……”I’ve had one hell of a ride in this car”. 10,000 Thank You’s from me to you. 

Afternoon Edition: Rant

I’m laying here and thinking about how hopeless it all seems. Wishing I had the courage to do something about it. I wish I brave and prepared enough to run away, to take care of everybody or on those really dark days to kill myself. Things have officially gone the way that I thought. It’s out of control! And, I am starting to really change my mind about a lot of people. It’s one thing to get space from someone but its an entirely different thing because now when it could count, you start to see who some people really are now. 

I’ve been focusing on who people are and what they meant to me. But, it’s starting to not compare to who they are. Who they are now is what is important. It’s one thing to be someone or to do something to survive. But, it’s an entirely thing to be active and to take an attitude into yourself. This isn't the movies, you can’t just shake some people out of their attitudes. You can’t just make them over and over again. 

And, I can’t lie. I am pissed about it. I’m pissed not so much at the people but I am highly disappointed. What I am pissed about is the loss of the relationship. It’s not a relationship when someone only needs you or is interested in you when it can further their means or get someone else hurt. It’s not a family when your own family does nothing about this behavior and encourages it; uses it to their own good. It’s not a family when other people in the world who actually care about and protect you (like they should) are equated with the devil. 

This is the example I have from so many people. Should I just go and take. Should I just go about play with other people’s money. Should I spy on people. Should I lie about people. Should I go ahead and call other people stupid or just names in general. Should I go around and play with others people weight or health. Should I go out and hire other people to do all of the things that I just said. Should I use friends that you have had for years against you. If I did half of the things that people did to me…..they would go insane. I wish I could go around and poll people; here and far. I just want to ask them “do you care about me”. If they said yes, I would say, “Then why do you treat me the way you do. Doesn't it matter how I want to be cared for?”. And, if they said No, “ would say “why do you even stay around”. You don't care there is nothing else you can provide for me or any one else but more hate. 

What I do, do is protect myself from people like that. I try to protect other people. I tell the truth as I know it. I love people. I give as much as I can. I’m not an angel, sometimes I am moody and I am messy. More than anything I try to hold it together not only for myself but for other people. As a matter of fact, I will tell some more truth because recently something that I said was misquoted. Recently, I was talking to a good friend about the end of friendships and I said that they soon find out their worth. Now I wasn't implying that some people are worthless with you. I said that they find out their worth. And, in a certain situation, as I heard it. This person is worth something because of certain talents that they have. And, why would I be protective or even care…..I don’t care about his talents. I care about him. I don’t want him to be used or hurt. I don't care if they are nice and kind, I know how these guys play and they can be everything short of nice and gentle. But, then again, this is how they deal with me. 

As for the friend that I let go of on Facebook, I never said that I wasn’t going to be his friend. I never said that I didn’t like him. I’m just not his friend on Facebook. Why? because after I said something to him about something. I wasn't pissed or anything, he just turned on me. And, had to be really bitchy about it. So to try and preserve our friendship, I thought it would be a good decision to not be friends on Facebook. And, now I see his worth to old relations of mine. He is being used and is doing it freely or openly. I know that those people are nothing nice and gentle. But, then again that has been my experience. 

And, for all of my thoughts and ideas…..for my consideration…..this is what I get. And, I can only imagine what all these people have to say and who they are blaming it on. Since I am stupid it is impossible for me to have an original thought or idea. And, since I am stupid, I guess I am always wrong too. If things don’t work out soon, I can only imagine the fucked up life I am going to have. Every friend I have is somebody else. And, I am probably the devil because everything I do and like is the devil. If anybody here wants to do something from me, just leave shit alone and let nature takes it course. You can’t actually fix your life or anyone else’s without getting your hands dirty. The only thing I can really say is I believe you have to line yourself right and all will come together. I’m so tired of man playing God, that’s the real devil. The real devil claims to own people that doesn't even belong in their country; you cant even speak the same language. 

Mr. Devereaux and the Rocky Mountain Boy

While I was running tonight, I was actually thinking about what am I going to write about. And, I started to think about my life, what I want to do, my past, and my present. Some of those things are rather heavy to talk about. And, I want to be funny yet say something worthwhile. 

So now I am sitting on the John listening to the city come alive; folks washing clothes, car horns honking, my family waking up and I'm sure much more is to come. Like in few minutes, I bet my Mom is going to knock on the bathroom door.

Instead of being pissed off it's made me a little more nostalgic tonight or this morning. Why? Because in truth I knew it would happen. And, as much as things change, they always stay the same. People say that I never grow up but look at everybody else. If this is growing up then I'm giving up. 

Sometimes I wish I was younger....literally! I miss the old days. Growing up I was the black gay male version of Ms. Blanche Devereaux. And, I kicked it with a crew of tall Amazon sluts. You could say I was second in command or second tier. Anyway, we were mostly this way because of the times and because of our location. LA before good internet and color screen phones was fabulous! It was so fabulous that none of us was really thinking about the future. 

And, I wish I would have have some of good boys I met a chance. To be made into a good house husband or atleast someone who could be taken to dinner at someone else's parents house with pride. 

In a way, I did! I loved several good corn feed boys from the inner states. I loved one with a fierceness and I let it die. By the last good one came along; I didn't know I should have held on tighter. That's the problem with taking chances....you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. 

The last one I met was a Rocky Mountain boy. He felt comfortable like those old pairs of shoes or underwear that you don't want to get rid of. He was simple and shy but awkward like me. I wasn't looking for him but he was looking for me. Not like he was on a mission looking for me but he wanted me. One day I was online and minding my business then I had a message. 

He was one of those boys that you really feel like; gosh, it could be real with him. We spent days and nights on the phone: talking about everything and nothing. But, I never acted seriously on him. In my defense, when I met him my world was crumbling to the ground. 

Eventually after no progress, the flame would burn out and we would disappear from each other's lives and come back together. It got easier to invest in short term guys instead of making a long term investment. 

Now things have changed. I feel like were caught in the movie Boomerang. He was Halle Berry and I am Eddie Murphy. He was the faithful and talented side kick and now he has become a force to be dealt with. In the movies Halle Berry goes back to Eddie. But, this isn't the movies and just like the Witch Aunt's in the movie Practical Magic say, "If he comes back, he won't be the same". I feel that way about a lot of boys. I'm starting to not even want some people back but that's a different story. 

The irony is that I love some boys some much in recent years. And, none of them really loved me; near or far. It's a cold reality and I try to play the game but it's never far from my mind. I'd rather know the truth and build good bridges then live on a lie that could way at any moment. But, that's another story and the moral of this story is.....love when you can. Take chances when they present themselves. Appreciate your present as much as your past because you don't know what will happen tomorrow.