You Remind Me...I'm Crazy

Every once and a while, I come out of my  shell. I start to believe that maybe things will be different. Just maybe I could meet some new local people. It won't be so hard and complicated. For a while it goes good but then something happens. Something that says, he you've gone to far and your not enough. Something that says stay in your place.

Now that's just an under tone not what the actual message says. The undertone is kind of what it means for me. And, then I'm caught some where inbetween being mad or feeling sorry for myself. 

As someone with a mental illness I can say that some people can keep you crazy. And, they know they have this power and can exercise it to control and manipulate you. It's not fun and it's not nice. 

But, where on planet earth does it make sense to be an asshole to someone, who you think is crazy and needs help. Now keep in mind, this what someone else thinks. If I wear my hood when it's hot, I'm crazy. If I like something or do something that's not common then I'm crazy. If I'm late or do something wrong it's because I'm crazy or stupid....not because I'm overwhelmed. When you have a history of mental illness then everyone sort of expects you to be like them if your truly healthy. 

And, I don't want to live a life where I'm constantly trying to prove myself. At the same time, I still want to be objective and hear what's being said to me. These days, certain things like this don't bother me because I have been going through this for several years. But, I know that at the same time, I can't be around people like that. Catch me on the wrong day and at the wrong time, I will explode on you. And, it be because I'm crazy, it will be because my patience is low. 

Days Go By.....

Never thought I would miss routine. Despite looking like a terribly lazy and unorganized person now, I know that's not who I am. A while back I was running in an old area that I used to run in all the time. 

Seeing all of the old stuff reminded me of a better me versus better days. When I would prepare to go out in public, I didn't think about other people like I do now. Back then I would think about, do I look and feel sexy in this. Now when I put on clothes, all I need to know is if it's clean and does it match. Depending on where I am going, will let me know how important matching is. 

In my mind, there is too much of other people. Yeah, there are too many people pushing up in my life but that's not as important as other people always being on your mind. What other people think, is none of my business and is not necessarily true. But, I still think of them. I still wonder about them. 

And, I recognize that, that is a horrible flaw in me. But, if it wasn't for other people always having the power to affect your life, I wouldn't care. It's always tit for tat in my life. If I do something that something that affects one person then that person has to come along and do something to affect me. We're always trying to teach each other lessons. 

So the days go by and when things go wrong or differently, I wonder, what did I do wrong now? What am I paying for now? Most times I fail to see the lesson. I fail to see how anything that's happening is going to help anything. In most cases, I've offended because some wrong was done to me or I was protecting myself. So when retribution comes around then and there l feel like; well you've done this for your satisfaction. You've done this for a laugh or to make me feel bad. And, that is sinister. 

Why are people this way? I don't know about you guys but I don't have much. And, I find people who have a lot or more than you, can easily do things to you without a second thought. Even if there is a second thought, I know that these people can move on a lot easier because they have so much. In this, I can easily find a lesson. And, my prayer and my wish is that no matter what happens as the days go by, I just want to be conscious, humble and considerate. 

Choose Me

I just don’t have the courage to ask a guy to love only me. In the beginning, the men that I like seem to stand tall like mountains after a little while with me, they turn into valleys…..great depressions of the earth. I’ve got too much personal baggage and it all doesn’t exist inside of me. And, no matter how much I try to protect a guy; they always change. Where sweet talk used to exist, not sparse sentences are shared. 

So I am still single and I have decided that its okay to flirt and mingle. What could it hurt, to get to know new people. Then you meet new people and you see these giants. Each one so confident that he is the one. Some attractions are totally off base and others are hopelessly true.  No I havent forgot, how good things are with you. But, I treat you like I do because I don’t want to lose you. 

Your just a guy, you most likely don’t care as me. The way you treat me some times, I think you hate me. The things you say and do. You can tell me you don’t love me but why do my sense’s tell me that you do. Maybe you have some resentment or anger because what we have is kismet. Maybe you really do mean what you say? Doesn’t matter because I love you as a friend anyway. 

Whatever the case, I cant chase another man. I cant ask you to be and do things that you aren’t. I can’t raise a man because I’m still living to raise myself. But, I can walk with you. I can learn with you. I can work with you. I can grow with you. But, most important of all I can love you. It’s so simple that any man can do it but I cant seem to find one man that will do it with me. And, this has become another reason why I can’t ask any man to love only me. 

At this point, I just want a guy to choose me. I want to be chosen and I want to choose him right back. The reason why I feel this way is because I want a guy to know what he is getting himself into. Not saying that will forever live in my past or my issues but my issues might take up a lot of our time. So if he can handle it then we will make it….otherwise, let’s cherish the friendship while it lasts.

I know that many of you think that I am speaking of just one guy but thats not the truth. The truth is this is something that I have gone through with several guys over the last five or so years. Its fought and hard to date when your me. I’m not complaining but I hope that all of you guys can understand how I feel. 

Double Standards

Tonight feels different! As a matter of fact, it feels pretty weird. It's dark, quiet and the weather feels good. I'm alone in my room and it's quite nice. To be honest, I could complain but I don't really care. 

There is always something wrong or about to fall apart. What's new? Well maybe that's what everyone is trying to find out. And, in some instances that might be fine. 

Like right now there is so much speculation over a couple people's lives. And, at this point, I don't really want to know or even care because it's out my hands. It's not even my business anymore especially since it appears that person(s) don't like me.

But, what really gets me is the position that it puts me in. Here is an example, so I have friend A, who is popular in my circle and his. Then I have friend B, who is exclusively my friend. So let's say A and B fight, since I know them both, I should be a friend. But, to who? Everyone is going to say friend A because he is popular. Everyone thinks, he belongs to them; so whether he is right or wrong....he is right. So if he treats me bad then he is right as well. No one stands up for me because I guess I'm not family. But, let friend A step across the line, will see how much of family he is then. I step across the line; dead!! Meanwhile friend B becomes the enemy especially if he is a good friend to me. 

So with friend B becoming an enemy every one feels like they have reason to come in my life and bombard me. When it's like, I don't have shit to do with that beef. And, the truth is friend B shouldn't be the one on trial for some shit friend A did. I don't appreciate things like that. I don't appreciate having to choose between friends.

 And, none of this wouldn't be happening if people could have stayed in their lanes and lived their own lives. I don't love my friends even less but I hate that when I am in situations like that, I am some how loved less. Now I have people all over my ass from all different directions; "he should be at home; I don't feel safe with him bringing people home", "he is slow", "his brain has turned to mush" and all kinds of stuff. And, I think to myself, it's so convenient how this will play out if you get what you want. Everyone one will have one eye fixed on all my friends steady friends, I'll get fatter before I go and sleep will be needed because I'll be sick more often. 

It's these situations that I can win in. The bar is raised so high that this one person can't do it all or process it all. My body and mind are going through changes. I'm in school. Family shit. Friend shit. I'm the true testament that you can be in a world of trouble and never leave your house. There are so many double standards and back stabbers out there. It makes me sick! Fuck! I didn't mean to complain but it drives me nuts. 

Significant Change

They say you should be careful what you wish for. Well I think you should be detailed in what you wish for. Recently, I've talked a lot of hot and sensitive topics. And, the backlash has been serious. Talks of all kinds of punishment, people parked in my life, friends being taken away, new people coming along on a trip and stuff like that. Needless to say, people are in an uproar. The truth can do funny things to you. 

I think what gets a lot of people is, "How does he know these things?". Well, the same way people try to put two and two together in my life. It's kind of easy to do the same. I'm not a puppet; there is no one with their hand up my butt and there is no one whispering in my ear. It's kind of like anyone with a family; when you have dealt with someone for years you know them. I've known my brother, my whole life. I know when he likes something or doesn't. Now I might not particularly know everyone that I speak of like their family does but I know how they treat me, how they treat my friends and what they think of me. 

Now I'm just kind of over everyone and everything that I have talked about in the last few weeks. And, I'm sorry if anyone is hurt. I think we can all agree that sometimes helping someone else, hurts someone else too. Anyway, If this time in my life is teaching me one thing, it's teaching me about how certain people feel about me now. It's even teaching me about how certain people feel about themselves.  And, the situation that not only I am in but that they are in as well. Just because things are going a certain way for you and a different way for me, doesn't mean that we aren't in the same situation. 

Speaking of situations, I've recently looked in on old acquaintances and people that I thought I knew, not to be confused with old good friends and checked out profiles. Profiles on Facebook and other sites I frequent. And,  to how their life, travels, photos and more are so congruent. I know great minds think alike but this was like too much. And, I just think what have I ever done to you for you to play such a part in my life and have such an interest in mines. Like I'm not mad, even though I could be. But, I feel like, what's the hold? We aren't really even friends. Are you capitalizing on me. Like it all seems more interesting when other people spell it out. 

My life is not easy! And, sometimes having help is just as annoying as annoying as a hinderence. Sometimes I just want to go and be like everybody else. Instead I shine like Harry Winston's diamond tiara on Naomi Campbell's  head under the Saharan sun every where. It's annoying to be noticed and classified everywhere. It's annoying to not be able to go places near or far. Now don't get me wrong, I'm blessed. I know that and I'm thankful. I owe so much to some people. And, all that I'm going through is to get me back to that place. That's on both ends of the spectrum. 

The only difference among everyone is in how it's done. And, there is a good way and a bad way to that. But, the way I know it is that having a normal life is not going to happen here. And, it's not going to happen in a place where we're doing the same things that we've done in the past; just with new and more players. I'm going through that now. I just can't tell you the hope that I had for this place. I was pumped. I was looking for work in the neighborhood, talking to neighbors and using Grindr in the area trying to make friends. But, nothing worked out before things got bad. And, everyone I talked to has moved out by now. 

I don't mean to whine but man...sometimes it just hits...just how real this life is. And, I know that it's stupid but there is nothing I can do about it. Well, there are three or four things I could do to change my life. It could change a lot of things and possibly turn a lot of things around if done correctly. But, I need help and some people crazy as me. But as the saying goes, "you can't depend on other people". So here I am. 

What If I'm Not Lying!

We forget that the mercies and truths that are extended to us might now always be there down the line. One thing I know for sure is that the choices we make open and close doors. 

Everyone seems to be so hell bent that I'm lying or lying on people. And, so ready to prove it by any means necessary. But, I wonder what it would mean if I was telling the truth about everything. Would it make a difference? 

It's become evidently clear that scaring me and giving me a hard time is not because I'm talking but because I'm telling the truth. I'm on to something and everybody knows it. Maybe I should shut up? But, I feel like I'm saying the things that no one ever thinks of or thinks of and never says anything about. 

The thing that kills me about this reaction. Is that through out this whole end of the process. No one has been hurt from me. There is no one that could prove that. Everyone that I have tried to talk to and just really break things down has been mean. They are ganging up and grouping together. And, the only thing that could do that is fear and fear mongering. It's like the 9/11 threat level scale. 

The scale would come on the local news everyday. "Today the threat level has risen to yellow. There is a moderate threat of a terrorist attack". I guess so much for that whole sticks and stones saying. No matter how strong people think they are, at a certain point words hurt everybody including me. But, more than them hurting, they can turn people into angry and/or ignorant mobs. If I started to lay hands on people, they would lose their minds. 

Anyway, the thing to remember is that if you feel it's your job to be a hunter or whatever. Then you feel obligated to do your job, collect your reward and live  your dreams. That's your focus and your goal. You don't have to care about anything. And, that is sad because you are so much more than that. 

We all have responsibilities that extend beyond stuff that we don't want to do. If it's a bill, you have to pay if you want whatever service. And, even those more complex responsibilities, that really demand attention like raising a kid. Even if you and your kid hate each other. You have a job to do that extends beyond just feeding and clothing. That's the way it is. 

As for me, I'm might not be crying right now but I'm hurt. What I went through today, I went through everyday for years. It brought back a lot of memories. And, today was just a love taps compared to what I got. It was like that from day one; never knew why, I wasn't mean, and could never talk to them to know why. Everyday and all the time. And, still I'm the liar and I'm not justified for anything that's happened. Normally I would cry but I just can't; why give them tears if they already have everything else.

The End

Well I guess we all have to test the water when it comes trying out things. I suspect that today is no different. If this is step one then I am okay with that. But, I definitely get tired of people thinking that I have to be Virgin Mary. That some how and some way, I am suppose to be devoid of emotion and that I shouldn’t react to things. And, I definitely get tired of people not believing that it’s wrong to have bad blood with people because of who they are. Any reaction gets intense scrutiny and people who are basically hates can I told you. If it paid to be nice, I would be a millionaire for all the nice things I do. So a lot of times, I take the abuse because there is nothing else I can do. If I do something to defend myself I am wrong but if I take it then I am stupid or weak. 

I’m only human and I can only carry so much weight at one time. And, if someone is testing you, teasing you and saying bad things to you all the time then its hard to maintain. I don’t care if you do things a certain way; we have to have certain respects for other people. That means that there has to be another way of doing things. There has to be another way of accomplishing things without being aggressive or mean. There has to be a way of not being insensitive. 

But, I know that this is the real world. And, you can’t force people to change especially if they are happy with the things that they like and know. You can’t say, change for me because I need you to. Who am I or you, to other people. No one wants to re-arrange their life for someone else especially some that they don’t like or are not getting anything from. Plus, if your like me, everyone see’s you as a kid, someone to sub servant to them. I’m almost 30 years old and have been hurt brutally from almost every best friend, parent and who ever else you can think of. Its almost impossible for me to be that way. Im not trying to rule over anyone; I think every one should be free. 

So since I know these things….I know three other things now. First, I know that this is not working…. Secondly, I accept this life is not working for me. And, Thirdly, I know that this is working for other people and they won’t accept it any other way. They will break me down before they see it any other way. And, happily old friends, family and foes will go with it because it means they aren’t in trouble and I am right where I have always been. 

The funny thing is so people why can’t you just live your life and I have a life of my own. And, secretly whatever one is asking of you is to setback, want less, don’t go far, leave other races alone, don’t care about your health, listen to everything I say (plus believe it whether it’s bad or good and whether I am right or wrong) and I am sure a couple other things. And, I just sent about seventeen plus years denying the way I was raised by my mother, the church and my good friends because I was trying to be someone who I was not; I tried to be straight, I tried to be what everyone says a black man should be, and I am sure of a couple more things. Its funny how I had to lose the world, everyone I love, and my mind to figure out who I am. 

I like who I am and I am getting better. I have got flaws. And, I am not perfect all the time. If anybody else thinks that they are perfect I have got news for you. Your shit stinks sometimes too. The only thing we can do as people is get better. We are programmed that way. We have been that way since the beginning of time. Humans just get better. On a closing note, I tried desperately to reach out to old friends. I wanted to have those open and clear conversations. The upside of now is that my I could get some truth, my heart wouldn’t hurt so much over the way these relationships ended. I’ve mourn a lot of these relationships and I am curious about the other half. At this rate, I will have no friends at least not friends that aren’t everything that I wasn’t good at before. 

It’s going to be a sad and lonely existence here in California. Today is one of those days, that I can confirm that things in my life are not going to end well. And, I know what I need to do for myself. If no body likes you and no body wants you and everyone thinks your problem…..what would you do? If you were being haunted or hunted and stop was not enough? What would you do? If you were around people who commit major crimes but think its okay because some one else said so…….what would you do? I know what I need to do. The time is getting closer, its coming for us. And, I can’t deal with it too much longer.