Dirty Hobo

I don’t feel pretty. And, I dont really care if I look like a bum or a hobo these days. I’m not necessarily sad or depressed. I’m not trying to make a social or politic statement with my looks. I’m just comfortable as I am. Maybe I will shave my face soon. Maybe I won’t. But for now all I want to do is be comfortable. With everything that’s going on, my looks should be the last thing on anyone’s mind. 

In recent years there has been a saying/statement/song lyric in the church that I think everyone should keep in mind. The saying goes or statement goes, “Too cute for the will of God”. With everything that’s going on in the world and around us; you got to be willing to get your hands dirty and lend in a hand. Now when I say get your hands dirty, I don't mean do something evil. But, get involved or something. 

So many people’s world’s have turned up side down. People are getting to a immeasurable level of insane these days. Some people are so powerful and others are in such a rush to utilize that power. Never exactly knowing the devastation, annoyance or life changing thing that they have done. I’ve seen this type of attitude in my family, old friends and people surrounding me. 

These days you have to know your own strength. And, I think a lot of people dont recognize the power that they have or use by their actions. Growing in the church, there was a scripture that I always heard that says, “The power of life and death” is in the tongue. And, I believe that. You can feel all kinds of ways about people but you can’t just inflict your will upon them with just a whim of your feeling. And, you can’t just like them when you do something that you want. 

It’s childish and fiendish to only love or like someone until they do what you want. Yes, I know perspective plays a big part in events. But, maybe its the way that I was raised or lessons that I have learned in my life. But, control issues are bad. There are many things that I have been involved in and I wanted to control the situation because I had a vision. But, there are some things that you can’t control especially with so many people involved. And, sometimes you can only really have a measure on control of something when you care about the topic. 

Even in my life I have seen myself as that central topic and everybody has some idea of who I am, whats best for me and all this junk. I should be doing this or know how to do this. They change or try to change things and don’t know why those things are the way they are. They don’t study, ask or research. They depend on their eyes and word of mouth. Sometimes I wish more people cared about how I feel (physically or emotionally) ,think or at least cared about my physiological needs. How I look is not as important as if I am healthy mentally and physically. 

So when you don’t see me shaved or if I have on hobo clothes. It’s because my mind is on something else. I don’t need to look good for anybody but myself. I’d love to be able to buy the clothes I want and have reasons to look good because I am going to work or I am going on a date with someone I want to impress. But, right now I am okay with looking like a bum; I want to be comfortable while I get my hands dirty working on my health, my life, friendships, family and much more. 

Give A Fuck

It’s been nice to be alone for the past couple of days. My brother has been gone with his boyfriend. And. I’m not going to say that I had the run of the house. But, I can tell you that it is nice to not have to pick up after myself all the time. No, I am not a junky person and I don’t keep things all over the place. But, what I mean by pick up after myself, I mean that I didn't have to keep such a close eye on things. Didn't have to worry about waking some one up in the middle of the night, the tv stayed on the same channel, and even talking to my family was easier. 

Now he is back and I find that I have to get back into old habits quickly. My brother is the “heavy”. In my life, he always has been. The one who always pushes my nerves to the absolute limit before I explode. Which kind of makes it perfect for him to be here. Sometimes it’s good and everything is fine but 55% percent of the time I have to bite my tongue and keep my thoughts in check. 

It’s easy to say that you dont like someone or that you don’t want to be around someone. Basically it’s easy to go. But, I think the relationship that I have with my brother is a testament to everything that’s going on in my life and with a certain group of friends that I have. At times I know he is a bigger person just like him. But, when you love some, are related to someone or just stuck with someone, you can get a long with them and it can get better. 

Lord knows me and my brother have come a long way. There have been times where we have cussed each other out and went to actual blows. But, it takes hard work and you have to be willing to do the work, if not with that person, inside of yourself. The main reason that I still love my brother to this day is not because I love but because my mother loves him. And, it breaks her heart when we fight because she is so close to her sisters. I don’t even know or understand how she could be so close to them when I am not that close to my brother. 

And, what I mean by close is, he is not so much my friend as he is my brother. I know other people who have siblings, one gay and one straight, and they get along so much better than me and my brother. Maybe one day me and my brother could be real friends. But, I know that day won’t come until I am no longer his kid brother….younger brother, okay! At this point in the eyes of the law, my Mom, my Aunt’s and my Granny, we are all old rusty men. 

Anyway, my point for today is, love someone if you can. And, if you can’t then try to find a reason. Love them because they are from the same country or continent, love them because they are a human being or because they are talented. Love them because I love them, your mom or somebody else loves them. Like I said, it’s easy to go, its easy to walk away. And, it’s easy to not give a fuck. Give a fuck! 

Redundant

These days seem quiet and different. It’s kind of a hopeful feeling starting to burn inside of me. But, I fight internally to keep my head and feet on the ground. Stay humble, stay respectful and objective. Which is really hard for me because my nature or my natural habits are quite the opposite. Yes, deep inside me there is a bitchy queen ready to be loud, obnoxious, sarcastic, dry and funny. But my sense of morality and duty are so high these days. To be honest, I just can’t help but want to do right. 

There is one thing that bothers me these days. And, what that thing is….it seems that a lot of things are redundant. And, its not just other people, it’s myself too. Its like a lot of times, I know that someone is bad news, not saying they are a bad person but just bad news for me, and some how I still end up in contact with them. And, I don’t know if I am stupid or I just don’t want to give up on someone or what! But, it real is starting to be time, in my mind, to say, “out of sight out of mind”. 

And, it got me to thinking about something else. Like if I am a bad person, for someone else, why keep me around. For, I dont know how long, people usually like to get rid of people they dont want around. Yet for some reason, those people never really seem to do it when it comes to me. Now keep in mind this is a generalization. How ever I think I will go down as the man who so many disliked but everyone kept around. 

Anyway, thats all I have for today. I’ve got some cooking and other things to do. 

Normal Boy

I’m feeling so tired for some reason, like I took a sleeping pill or something. Maybe this is my bodies way of telling me that I need a break. The last two days have been immensely hard and cold. Everyday I have to give all of myself. I know people who go to work, go to school and hang out in the pub all in one day. I just don’t have the energy for that, If I wish the dishes then I am going to need to sit down for a while and that shouldn’t be. 

I’ve heard it said to me, recently and in the past, I want you to be a normal boy. And, I thought that’s what I wanted. But, now I have learned that, that is a problem. I’m not a normal boy. There is no way that I can be a normal boy. Even now that I have conquered a lot of my internal problems. It’s not over, it is a fight everyday to stay sane and present in my environment. Everyone is always wondering what the problem is, unfortunately my white European friends get all of the blame. The ones who actually like me and treat me like an equal person. If anything thats whats going to get me closer to being a normal boy. 

The idea of everyone wanting so much more from you but they consistently take away things. Thats going to get me anywhere close to normal or closer to you. Let’s examine normal boys. Normal boys my age usually don’t have to worry about their weight, they don’t have to worry about their property being damaged or stolen in their home, they don’t have to worry about every opportunity being a trap, they dont have to worry about if they or their friends are being stalked, their muscles don’t lock/cramp like mines, normal boys don’t don’t have damaged nerves from all the drugs taken, normal boys are encouraged to follow their dreams where ever they might lead, normal boys get support from their families at all times and so much more. 

In my life, these are things that I have to deal with everyday. I’d like to go and do normal things but its seems that the more certain cures are pushed on me….the worse my body gets. My health is failing. My heart beats crazy, its hard to breathe, I’m tired all the time, my sleep is It’s getting worse and worse; either way that I approach my health it’s bad. And, I tell people and nothing has really changed…maybe stopped at times but not changed. There is only so much I can do to take care of myself, there is just not enough money. 

Exercise can only do so much. And, I’m running out of places to run in peace. Its getting to be that there are more places where I feel uncomfortable and not welcome versus welcome. At some point, the scene gets a little too familiar and turns into some place that feels like home. And, if I wanted to exercise at home, I would just stay home. All of which brings me back to another point about normal boys, normal boys are allowed space and other opinions with interference. 

I know that I have a tendency to generalize. I know that I have a tendency to write in code which means that my blog is often open to interpretation. But, if you know me then you know what I am saying. To make it plain, I know that I can’t generalize and say that all people are bad. And, sometimes it might seem like I am saying that they but I am not. That just a way to not point fingers because most people will point you in the wrong direction. Anyway, I know that not everyone here is bad. What I can say about home is that, I don’t feel like their is anybody on my side. I don't think that the things that I want to do with my life, here, are so unreasonable. Secondly, I’ve seen a lot of people move from here. Since I went on vacation in May, it appears that three to five families have moved out. I wish I could go with them or I should say that I wish I was doing the same. 

The other day I was helping my Mom bring groceries upstairs and the girl who moved out was collecting the last of her things. My Mom said something to her because my Mom talks to everybody. The girl said, “I just couldn’t take it anymore”. Then she went on to say that someone had broke in the apartment during the night and started throwing eggs all over the wall. 

I look at my old friends that have come against me; past and recent. And, sometimes I wish that they were here. I wish that they weren't so into the game as much as they were on the front lines. Its gone from them being here; whether it be in person, online or over the phone and saying this is wrong. Now its gone to everything about me and my friends are wrong. And, evidence to that affect. If there was real evidence then there wouldn't be so many traps. All of which brings me back to that whole normal boy thing…yeah! I wish could all just get along. But, I know that trust will never be there on both sides of the fence. I’ve got people on both sides of my life begging for action…this side wants to fight and is doing everything to provoke one. And, I have people waiting on peace; waiting on a change, waiting to see what happens. This boy just wants to go and I have no where to. But, I’m so tired of this…Normal is impossible! Just look at me and you know something is wrong. 

Jinxed

So I jinxed myself! Now everyone is coming out of the wood works; just like I said. And, even though I didn't want to jinx myself because I said that I didn't want the attention. But, since it's here, you have to turn negatives into positives. You can't let it get you down or make you unpositive. You've got to master it and own it. You have to not shame any kind or negative attention from people that you don't give permission to, get you down. And, it's not about winning or being condescending but it's about carrying on. 

Just this week, I've had people talk about my body parts, criticize writing, tell me how to handle my love life, I've been threatened (for something that I had no attention of doing) and so much more. But, I let it go. It wasn't important! Yeah, it hurt because it came from people that I love but whatever. 

And, like I said I knew I would pay for the sins of my past. Recently I told an old friend of mine that he was a terrible friend. And, it's the truth, he is terrible friend compared to what he used to be. Lastly, I said that he is making it hard to be his friend. That's the truth! I don't know how to be with his friend when he isn't interested in me. It might have been harsh and I am sorry if his feelings were hurt but I was honest. I did what I felt was right. 

To be honest, I should be depressed. The old me would be balling on the floor over some of the stuff that has happened this week. I should be taking my medication like it's candy but I'm not going to abuse pills that is already in my system. And, that's kind of energy that you get from some people. Like you should be laying all over the floor when they are around. But, God forbid something is going on in their lives. 

So I can't let it get me down. I've got to keep on going. 

No Plans In Sight

There is not much to write about today. Everything seems to be at regular speed. Thats not saying much. Yesterday I had a panic attack because everything seems to be going so slow yet there is so much work to do. And, I feel like there is so much work to do but not enough time to get it all done sometimes. Then my energy level is low because I am not motivated by sight. 

If you’ve ever been a running, then you might like running outside versus using the treadmill. When you run outside, you might not have the stats like your heart rate but your going somewhere. You can see the progress, you know your destination and so much more. Here I am day in and day out, laying in bed, on the computer or on the phone. And, I am thinking to myself is, “God, with this homework, conversation, act of friendship or whatever…I hope I am sowing seeds for my future”. 

And, I know what I want for myself. I know what I want to do for my future. For six years, I have thought about it off and on in my head. And, I know that if I dont reach that goal, I will never really be satisfied. But, like I said in an earlier post; you have to stop looking for something to turn out the way that you want or like. Sometimes you have to alter your dreams and things like that. 

More than what things look like, I feel every second and every minute go by. I feel like I am running out of time. And, I am getting tired of myself bitchin’ and moaning about my life. I just need to get organized and maybe a little more patient. But, I just need some action. I need to get things off of the ground. I need some guarantees and agreements. But, most importantly I need a plan. So fingers crossed! 

Prove Me Wrong

Sometimes we get so caught up in life around us that we can’t see the life outside of us. Most people can live their lives this way; they don’t have to worry about what lies outside of their circle. As for me, I’ve got to worry about everything. Yet its been nice to live somewhat normally, just keeping a routine and interacting with people and it’s not about my problems or their problems. Its just natural! 

Now I am finding there is not enough time in the day. I feel guilty for enjoying my life and being good at it. And, its not so much that it’s easy but it’s like where is the resistance. Where is all the suffering…Where is the drama! I don’t want it. But, I’m used to it being there. A foolish part of me wonders is this what peace looks like. Yet the pessimistic side of me has been awakened and I know that something comes this way. 

So instead of having this drama, now I have given it life before it has even got wings. The feeling got so heavy yesterday that I couldn't even enjoy the rest of my day. And, now that I am thinking about it, isn’t this just history repeating itself. Just before I got sued, everything was so calm and dark. Their light wasn’t gone, it was closed to us. It did not want it to be seen while it was tinkering. You could hear a cat piss on cotton. Whispers of shows of strength and determination; the type of authoritative bullshit you hear from a dictator like Hitler or Mussolini.  Then BOOM and alarms were sounding every. The peace of my life drowned and faded into the background. And, I still feel like I havent recovered. 

My only recourse I have is to believe is that something big comes this way. By the time my next class starts (9/9/2014), I expect it to show or get ready to show its ugly head. God knows what karma I will have accumulated in the eyes of others. How many sins and faults can be found. Everything is open to interpretation. For example, My annoyance, avoidance or honesty with someone whose hurt me will be seen as vicious and spiteful. My annoyance will not be considered, my avoidance will be interpreted as ignorance and my honesty will be too much or a lie. 

I want to be wrong! But, I dont think I will begin to feel right until its all over. I doubt whatever happens will sway my opinions or make me feel any better about my immediate surroundings or anything positive. I know that if anything, all the bad things usually show and confirm everything that I have been saying. But, I can’t tell you guys, how good it would be if this time the universe proved me wrong.