Afternoon Edition: Trickster

I could make a friend in Tibet. I could make a friend in Samoa. I could make a friend in Antartica but in America or even in Los Angeles….Impossible! Recently it was imparted to me, in so many words, that “Its about how you treat the people that can do nothing for you”. And, I totally agree with that. You have to treat all people good and equally. But, that is not necessarily the reality. 

The reality is that you can’t trust people. Its especially true for people who are geographically in same location as me. I just can’t tell you how many times I have had people get close to me and disappointment me. And, worst than disappoint me, just vanish and it happens all the time. It just happened with the boy I mentioned a little while ago. And, it happens all of time. I hate it! So I have to be defensive and that might make me seem some kind of way but I have to not mind. 

At the end, I just want to take care of myself and the people that I love. That means more to me than anytime. I know that some people might take that for guaranteed but I don’t. When there have been many nights where you have not been okay. Sometimes that’s the biggest mission of your day, just how exactly can I make it through the day. How can I make it to bed peacefully and happily. And, these days, you just know that, that’s not everyone’s luxury. 

The first time I really let my guard down, it got the best of me. So I was in love with the guy basically. I thought it was just more than perfect for me. And, because we had shared such a special time together, I thought that he might have felt the same. But, one day something started to look wrong. And, I saw on his Facebook page where he had gossiped about; he referenced me with words like monster. He talked about things he wanted to do to me. As if I am Godzilla, stumping around the time and smashing buildings. 

And, because I loved him, I kept it to myself. I just shrugged it off. I thought maybe I would stick it out with him a little longer. When things started to really hit the fan in his life. He started to look at me and think, “Maybe I am wrong……maybe I can relate to him”. And, even thought he knew this and sort of acknowledged this to me, there was nothing that he could do. There was nothing he could to really change. And, to this day, I struggle with him. I struggle to be good to him and do right by him. But, I always kind myself…..letting him go. 

I just can’t do that anymore. I can’t smile at too many more people who come along still energy from me. I can’t really smile at people who kiss my ass and stab me in the back at the same time. I just can’t deal with petty people and I find so many of them here in California. More than dealing with them, I just can’t afford to lose myself on a trickster. Sometimes it’s a matter of life and death…….and like the old folks used to say, “You just don't want your life or death in the hands of some people”. 

BOOM

Something is wrong! I have got that feeling again. In the immortal words of Samuel L. Jackson, there are some snakes on the motherfucking plane. And, it’s time to clean house. I know a lot of you might think that I am acting out of sheer craziness due to change and the unknown. But, I know something is wrong when mean people start acting nice and nice people start acting mean. And, I can’t help but think that some where, a wrong turn was made. 

Yes, I believe in miracles and that people can start showing their true colors but all at one time. Nah! That shit ain’t right! And, here I come to one of the problems that I see in my own life. The further that you go ahead and spread out in life, you come into the unknown. You start to face variables that you can’t see or know of simply because they are connected to someone or something that you are not that familiar with. 

But, the really big problem with that is that you when you spread out, you live people behind. Some people that really can’t be left alone. Not because they are bad but because you don’t know what bad thing will come up behind them. On the other hand, it can be as awful as it sounds and you don’t know what awful thing someone will do when you turn your head. It’s a horrible thing. 

And, I just have to say it because it’s in my soul to say it but I am tired of dealing with wishy washy, flip flopping ass people. Dealing with people like that just remind me how there really is not much I can salvage in my life. I just want to throw it all away because I can control the weather as much as I can control the hearts and minds of people. I just would rather give folks what they want, to be right where they are. If they are happy, I am happy for them but I don’t want to hold on to them……destroy myself and other people. 

Furthermore, I am really not trying to invite all these distractions around here in to my life. Which is really a big sign that some thing is wrong. The fact that some people could be so comfortable in your life and spreading direction, what seems like my business or your business. OHHHH NOOO!!!! It is time to make a change or cut a new direction because this could go bad really quickly. 

Maybe I am wrong, maybe I should enjoy things the way that they are. The new light outside my bedroom window, the cats in the garage, the weather, the leaky pipes at parking space 16 in the garage, the quiet, my freaky bathroom, the usual bumps and everything. But, the thing is I am coming into the realm of things that I know. Things that have not changed or grown an inch in years but all of the sudden BOOOM! Just an explosion of change and new things all at once. 

I am not paranoid person at this point in time. But, my brain is saying all kinds of things to me. And, I think I need to figure some shit out and get on the ball. Make some changes but like I always say and like I have been saying for so long, it’s the way things go in my life here that makes me feel like giving up. Something so small and insignificant can change or start to break down something that you have worked on for forever. Something that has nothing to do with anything or anybody else; something that could change my life. 

In The Beginning

Today I don’t want to really write about anything too risqué. And, some of you might have noticed that even though some topics are negative in nature, I try to put a positive spin on things and if not positive at least a little more inquisitive, equal or fair. Why? More than some topics being under lock and key or witness protection ;-) , some topics I just don’t know all the facts. I don’t have concrete evidence. And, you really need more than concrete evidence these days. People are so influenced these days; you might dealing with a hand that’s being controlled another brain. So I can put puzzle pieces together and talk about my experiences.

Recently me and my best friend started to talk about love. In the conversation I stated that there is nothing like the beginning of the relationship. It’s in this time, a guy will go the extra mile, love gives you energy that you don’t have all the time. So you do things that you wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. And, there is an abundance of sex to go around. And, guys do those romantic things that they normally do. 

The beginning is the part that I never get beyond; to my luck and misfortune. I kind of miss having someone to make up with; the second best part of a relationship. But, that’s another story. I just make the best of what I have going on but it is rather boring. I can’t tell you how many times, met a guy on Grindr, I have gone over his house, had drinks (not necessarily alcoholic), told my whole life story, had sex with him, cuddled for a little while, showered together, then some type of romantic gesture, then I leave and there is most likely no second date. 

And, it always starts so hot and heavy, it just feels like there is something more between us. But, what’s really unfortunate about this is that it only seems to happen with local guys. I could go to Europe today, meet a guy, do all those things I said above, and still maintain a better relationship with him than I do with any of American man. At this point, I have only two American guys that are kind of constant in my life, that I can call friends. There are maybe three or four other guys that I trust but dont talk to often. 

If there is any part of these beginning its the endings. Things dont necessarily go bad like we have a fight or argument but somewhere along the line. We give up; it’s not even a conscious decision. But, some guys claim they are busy, like some how they weren't busy before we had sex. Some guys don’t even fake the funk, they just don’t answer any more. And, somewhere along the line, some how and some way these guys turn into enemies. Its like, there you were, in the back ground of my life for months and weeks, my big supporter and then you change. 

Some times I wonder what it is about me that made it this way. They say love is complicated but I think love is not complicated. When you love someone and that person really loves you too, it’s easy as pie. It’s the actual relationship part that is hard, the lack of communication, hear say, using our eyes, not our hearts, space and things like that. Things would run so much smoother if we could just talk to each other. But, then again, there is no guarantee that would work. 

Afternoon Edition: Welfare Child

Sometimes I feel like the students I used to take care of. Here in California special needs children have to have IEPs. They are these individual assessments of the child's competence and skill. Based on these assessments several things can happen for example a child can be given access to all kinds of services or he can be taken away. Several other things can happen but those are just two examples. 

But, it was a nasty process especially once parents got involved. Some parents would seek legal action. They would say things like, "well when he is at home, this is how he is". And, they would demand certain services that they very well might not be entitled to. 

This brings me to one of my points. Who I am to you, I might not be to the next person. With my friends outside of my home life, in public and with strangers.....I am who I really am. Being at home, it is a different story because I have a certain kind of history. A history that most would not understand. And, I'm not going to get into all of that right now. But I will say that how can you be kind, respectful or listen to someone when you know A. What they think of you. B. When they have or played a part in things that have hurt you but innocent friends. C. Have lied to you on several occasions. And, yesterday I heard some one say...."well we don't fight with out family". That's because you probably had a family asshole, is what I said to myself. I've never been apart of a family or a crew, there are few people in my life today that I have known for years that at one point haven't betrayed me or lead me a stray. I don't really know how to belong or be apart of something because I'm repeatedly cast out and whether it be by actions or words, I'm told that I am wrong, the things that I like and do are bad and wrong. 

So if I am crazy, wrong, weird or fucked up in the head to you then that might explain it. And, I can't lie I am mentally unwell. I've caught a lot of trouble because of that. Most people tend to equate sanity and smarts with me. And, I am only smart when it distances me from mental health help. At my clinic West Central, I can hardly get help anymore. I call to make appointments and no one answers or my appointments get messed up. And, I am shot around from doctor to doctor. So I am trying to change my clinic now. But, I have started self medicating. Everyone used to get on my case because they disliked my medication because of the side effects; permanent shaking, sickness, weakness and bad nerves. Most people seemed to act like I was taking it for my vanity. Well after the last two years, I have gained over thirty pounds. And, as it stands, I have gained 100 pounds since 2009. I would say that the pill wasn't working then. My body felt so impure and still does most days, I'm always full of fillers and drugs. You could probably get high off my blood. So I smoke pot now! It cures my ailments; my muscles even feel a little better. But, now everyone has a problem with my pot. And, truth me told, I get tired of missing out on life for moments at a time. I wish I never needed any kind of drug. But, I do! 

Sometimes I just feel like if I stay this person; sick and some that everyone thinks is the seed of the devil then they won't have access to benefits and services. I know what it's like to be loved and the best parents that I have ever seen are usually the parents that have special needs children. They fight for their children. If they see that something is making them smarter or better; they go to the ends of the earth to have it. Not for themselves but for the child. Some times I just feel like a welfare kid; a meal ticket for somebody else. 

And, I'm looking at myself and at this life of mines and despite all the love I have, I am still sad about all the hate. My existence is tied to the livelihood of so many people that I have not invited into my life. People that took it upon themselves to insure my downfall, so they could insure their survival and elevation in life. Never thinking about who I am or what the hell am I going to do next. If I can't go to school, I am destined to fail my classes, can't get mental health services, can't have the friends I want, be the weight that I want to be, have sex, masturbate in peace, get a job, have a boyfriend, smoke pot, travel abroad to help the less fortunate.....then what can I actually do but sit here and get fat. 

When events like this happen, I wonder about my life and future. I wonder what the hell I am going to do with my life? What can I actually do with my life? Who the hell are my friends really? It's getting to the point where I am scared to stay here because there is no way I can keep all these people out of my life and face at every turn. Things that have nothing to do with them. What if all that was happening now was to try and give me a life here. A life that was not online and more real. A life that I could accept and enjoy then obviously the recent actions will tell us that, that is not possible. 

The Upper Hand

It is definitely my belief that experience is the best teacher. But, I think in all things there is a line and a limit. If you feed too much into experience or another persons experience then you will be living with ghosts. I’m conflicted because I am surrounded by people who are determined to believe that has happened in the past is going to happen to them. And, in reality I think if that was going to happen, it might have happen already….who knows. But, the irony of all of it, is that in the process of being determined to not have the past happen to them. They are acting just like the people from the past; doing the same things that got those people in trouble if not worse. 

As it stands, I don’t think anybody has been hurt or anything. But, I think it’s quite evident that a giant mass of people intend on hurting another group of people. And, it’s not that they have done anything to you, it’s just off the sheer fact that people can see you and to be quite honest all this drama is just your fear talking. Only hurt and scared people do such things unprovoked. It’s so sad that the truth is soooo bad that people are organizing to do more of the same thing. 

Nobody is waking up and saying……”Hey, we have to do things the right way. No whammies or drama”. And, I am tired of the idea of respect, rank and ability being the excuse for bad behavior. If I wanted to have an excuse for bad behavior then my claim is perfectly legitimate. You think you are a parent or someone to govern over me then the truth is respect is something that is earned. If it is possible to take a child away or for a child to go away because of an adults bad behavior. Then we can conclude that good behavior must give to adults not take away. And, I am a lover of people. You do me right and I am going to be right by your side, doing you right. What have you done for me? I wish I knew and if I did, I would be trying to thank you right now. 

Anyway, like I have said before recently, it really disturbs me to see all these people coming together who don’t like each other; people who have spied on each other, oppressed each other and talked shit about each other. I wish I could understand the tie that binds. All I am seeing is evil attitudes coming from it and as it stands I am not the only one whose watching. I don’t feel there is anything wrong with protecting yourself. That goes for everyone around the world. But, I just don’t feel that I can get with people who feel that they can touch you, get all in your business and not expect for the same thing to happen to them. It is fucking stupid! 

You may not believe in karma but you would think that some where along the line you would have heard about it. It’s like you can’t shit all over people near and far then not expect somebody when given the chance to get your ass back. Everyone is so concerned with one man, myself and one sect of people that they can’t see anything else. And, what’s really worrisome is the fact that I have a feeling that most people, even the people that are coming together, can see beyond the current circumstances. Yeah, what’s happening now might look bad…..this is a tipping point. Have you seen everything that has come before this. Do you know what happened with the man that you all are crowding under. 

The truth is I distanced myself from him because it was too hard to live under his light. The same thing that a few choice people (on both sides of the fence) are discovering now. I liked him  and I still like him to this day. But, with all that I have been through and my experience in this life, when he tried to tell me who my friends were. That’s when I had to step away! I didn’t want to have to make a choice between my good Australian friend whose been a great friend to me and him a great guy that I just met. I didn’t want to be in a relationship where I had to choose my friends or where I started to live his life. A few months down the line, I had a talk with a local friend and discovered that he was introduced to me through questionable sources; you know. I guess people thought he would be a cure all; love and union. And, I want to say thanks for the gesture. He was and is amazing! But, I wish I would have known from the beginning because it would have saved all of us a lot of trouble. I tried very hard to be with him, to stick with him and be a friend but it was making me crazy. Lastly, it wouldn’t have worked out because I am a rebel or bad…..it wouldn’t have worked out because nobody should have the power to manipulate people and their lives. Nobody should have the power to walk in and out of someone’s life, cause hell, leave and expect to no suffer consequences. If I banged against my kitchen wall right now, I am going to suffer consequences. And, because so many people are hurting on both sides of the fence and they don’t know the truth; they cant even allow themselves to see it. 

Look at the way things are happening now. This is the beginning of chaos and of someone getting ready to do something that they regret. Even now I am trying to distance myself from all those bad people or just people. And, you all see it as an act of war. Forget what everybody else is doing, you aren’t even seeing what I am doing. That kind of shows that most people locally don’t see me as one of them or just for who I am. I’ve not written one bad word about anybody; I have celebrated the love and friendship that I have for these guys. And, I think that it’s sad! Were a spoiled people! And, I feel sad because we are so used to living wrong because its easy and no one wants to change that. I know it’s hard to live right even harder to live with no defenses. But, I know that even if a 50/50 resolution came it wouldn’t work. No one wants to face the music. You’ll make me face up to my problems and mistakes of my past but you won’t face yours and if you do, you have to have the upper hand. 

Hey Snoopy

Okay, the example that I am about to give you is very cliche but I want you to bare with me. So I am assuming that everyone reading this has went to high school. And, when you went to high school there was at least one kid who was a total asshole. So you graduate and you meet this person done the line. Then you find that this person is a totally brand new person, this person is a good person even though they might have made your life a living hell. 

Being a bad person is just like being a racist simply because it is a learned experience. It is something that we learn from other people. And, it is something that grows in us. I know some of you might think that there is no excuse for an adult to not act right. But, the mind is a tender and delicate thing….if you’ve ever been a fool in love, if you ever had a mental break down or been betrayed by a friend then you were under the control of someone else. 

And, I can say from experience that when you feed a monster or a brain it grows bigger. So if you fight or treat a person equally awfully then you have feed the thing that has started a fire in the mind. You have to love the people that hurt you. You have to love the people that are trying to hurt you. And, I know its hard because I have a few choice people in my life who I think are the Devil or Hades actual seed. 

Despite all the reasons that everyone has been spouting, you have to love people sometimes for what they don’t know. I’m not saying treat people like they are idiots. For example, I have someone in my life and I feel him being pushed out. And, to be honest, he has kind of been pushing him self out. But, some how and some way, we have still remained friends. That alone is reason enough to hold on because you want people in your life who will root themselves to the ground, hold on. 

And, it wasn’t until yesterday that I was sure that something was trying to come between us. I want to believe its just in my head or that its stupid. I’m hoping that there is something I am missing. But, I am starting to believe that its not. This event means something, not just for me and him but for so many people that I have lost in the past. I just think its ugly to break people up; its not like were crutches or ruining each others lives. It’s this way for one or two reasons, 1. being that they dont want us to be friends because of who we are and what could be offered to each other. 2. because maybe…..just maybe somebody doesn't want somebody to see something or see something that’s about to happen or has happened. But, then again when I think about it…..it could be as awful as it looks and they (including him) want me to leave him and cause a scene that will further damage me. 

Whatever is going on and whatever happens…We have to live in love. It’s the one thing that other people can’t seem to do because they have been hating for so long. But, on a final note, something happened just recently and a couple times in the last few hours. I’ve been painted as someone who is pulling strings and calling in favors. Like I am some kind of king pin or something. What other people do or do in my name has nothing to do from me. And, anybody who says I am lying or a liar, I seriously question where you get your info from and your perspective of things. You came in a tipping point but there is a whole back story that you didn't even exist for. But, to be threatened is scary! 

Mirrors

It troubles me that you could ask three different people, "Who I am?", and get three different answers. You'd get those answers for several different reasons. This world is not fair; you can't have the same relationship with everybody. 

People change, people go through things and people are different. The most common reason I find that I have problems with people is we don't start with a clean slate; they have some idea about you or consider you a task. And, I find it's a lot easier to have a relationship with people who want to walk, love, or work with you. 

Most people around me are mirrors or transmitters. Taking pictures or reflecting what they can. But, can you trust the reflection of someone who can see who you are. You do know or understand why/why I work. Your position doesn't exactly allow you to be my friend and if you aren't my friend than your virtually a stranger. Your someone who knows of me, someone to harshly judge any single movement my body makes. That's the value of us. And, it makes me sad! 

These days are extremely harsh due to other peoples reflections and ideas of me. So I try to spread the love around not because I stopped loving but because you need to remind some people. It's without a doubt in my mind that I know that one of these folks is going to do something to jeopardize the relationship that I have with them. And, why do it for people you don't like, don't want me to be around or even in the name of people you don't like. It makes no sense to me. 

You feel the excitement and the amping of personalities. You feel the charge and the arrogance of that moment when it's time to go in for the kill. And, you feel the movement and the rumors of organizations and oranges dancing together. I'm not scared as much as I'm disappointed. It's been six years and were all pretty much doing the same thing. Only people with lives that aren't going anywhere, aren't going far or have gone as far as they are going to go have time for this B.S.

And, in the end, I recognize that most of the problems I have are because of other people. There are sick and functioning people all over this world. I could very well be one of those people. But, I recognize that the main thing that holds me back is other people. If I left today I know some of the questions that would play in other peoples heads, "who would my Mom and Aunt take care of?", "what about the secrets?", and things along those lines. Anybody who says they are worried about my bills, school or something like that is a liar or is related to me. If anybody was worried about that they would telling where a job is versus trying to convince the world that I am a bum or anything else. I know that one day I will have do something unthinkable to change my life.