More Dreams

One thing I am confident is that there are certain things that alleged bad guys don’t know. And, I say alleged bad guys because there really is no such thing as bad people. Being bad is not something your born with; its the choices that you make. And, it’s a lot easier to make bad decisions when you have one side of the information or your objectives are purely business wise. 

There is not much that I know about professionally judging people or counseling them but one thing I know is that you can’t you can’t be concerned about image and you cant fix one person. What I mean by that is, “Let’s say you have banged up computer; inside and out”. You go to get your computer fixed and the outside looks brand new but what about the inside. Secondly, lets say your married and your having a tough time in your marriage. So partner 1 elects for therapy, goes to a therapist and tells him all the problems. And, then the therapist goes ahead to lay all the blame on partner 2. 

People arent business and the only time they really are JUST business is when you plan on killing them. When it comes to people, you just can’t beat and make them without finding out and understanding why things are the way they are. And, you can’t discount someone because they are younger; younger people grow up to be older people. Lastly, you can’t define people by one action or a side of them that you don’t like. 

So I feel like, if you want to change things and really work on things; stop looking outside. You have to work inside. Forget Europe and anything else outside. Why? Because your working against human nature. There is always going to be someone who likes me. There is always going to be someone who cares. Some where along the way. Focus on the people here because that is where the problem is. Don’t just focus on everybody else because your wasting your time. And, if you really wanted to fix something you would ask questions. As I can see it now, there is a group of old people from my local past that are clinging on to one man as a hope to get them out of the shit. And, I am very sure he has been feed all kinds of things. This is my theory but I have clues to it. So I could be wrong.

What I know about them old local people is they have been coached and trained to act better than they were. And, not because it was needed but because they need to look good for their plans to work. Everything has to look good for their plan to work. Which also helps explain why a certain someone that I blogged about recently was pushed out of the picture because he makes things look bad. And, this is what I am talking about. So if we are going to build bridges, get some truth and end this thing lets make it real. Lets try to sit at a table and talk honestly. Lay out what you know and think. Let me respond to that and give you my truth. Nobody else needs  to get hurt especially people that want the truth. Folks out here are going crazy because they think they are being exposed and are going to be hurt. Maybe that person is trying to reach out to you or has some words for you. And, as much as some of you think foreigners and people that are different pokemon. You would think you’d be open to it since you have to catch them all. 

And, that requires work and training here not acquisition of foreign and high quality objects or people. Work on relationships and training on how to be better as a people. Like if I am going to be stuck with a whole bunch of people…Id like to know that I am not going to catch my death from my favorite meal. I’d like to know that I am not going to have to file for bankruptcy because I get in a car accident. How do we make trump checks? And, before that we have to make some attitude adjustments. Everybody can’t be an all mighty chief. You can’t just handle people and do them any kind of way just because you don’t like them. You cant just ruin peoples lives. We all dislike people and as many times as I have wanted to push a few people down the steps, I don’t do it because its wrong and further more I know that it will come back to me. 

It’s like we cant keep playing games on each other. Its one thing if you have your relationship with someone and you do your thing. But, when its at the expense of someone else or it goes too far then maybe something needs to change. 

In closing, maybe this would happen if it was actually easier to do than whats been going on. But, I know that if you have the mind and platform to make people hate each other. If you have the power and money to make things disappear. Then you have more than enough to make people love each other. You might get hurt or exposed in the process but that comes with the territory at this part of the game. But, no one can fault you or hurt you and get away with it for doing the right thing. And, thats why I keep going on even though all the chips are down. I believe that I am around fair minded people. I believe that I have surround myself with people who are constructive first before they are anything else. They are strong with morals and principles that sometimes differ from my own or others but they don't destroy people for it. But by God thats the kind of man I want to be. Thats what my mother always knew I could be. I imagine a lot of you other people feel that way about where you are and where you stand. Just don't forget your goodness and being humble. We write our futures by the deeds we do. 

In the beginning this was going to be a letter to someone but I’ve said how I felt in text messages and so forth but nothing. This message might not reach the person it was intended for but hopefully someone gets something out of it. The hardest part of publishing this letter is letting go of the hope I feel right now. And, coming back to reality and the way things really are. More Dreams! 

Dunkirk

I’m feeling better but not resolved. Yesterday was not my finest hour. My fear is that people will see the hurt and bizarre behavior then come to their own conclusion. In my opinion, most people know what it’s like to have a hard time and go crazy over it. But, it’s an entirely different thing to go through a hard time for years and years. Day after day, it is always something else that threatens life, requires complete attention, needs clarification or a defensive strategy. 

Normal people go through a tough time at work or school but usually have an outlet. But, when the problem is the whole of your life, you don’t get days off. You don’t get naps. You don’t get bonuses. What you get is to keep on going. When I sleep i have nightmares about life, my family, my best friends, my past and even my dreams. And, I miss that rested feeling, that feeling that you get when you wake up and you know that your rested. 

When I wake up I am checking everything. I’m looking on my phone, I’m looking at the tv and more. Sometimes I forget to shower, brush my teeth or even eat. I don’t have the luxury of waving my hand at a situation and making it better. I don’t even have the trust of the people around. I guess I kind of thought common sense would prevail like if I say someone is bad or I dont want to hang or work with them then something must be wrong with them. 

And, I have to admit to myself, I am pretty foolish when it comes to friends. Inside me there is this intuition and it is strong. Some people I get around them or just watch them for a moment and feel, something isn't right but I give them a chance. Why? because I know people do the same thing to me all the time. And, it’s not necessarily that I am bad or crazy but some people have bad and crazy in their lives. 

Plus, it pays to be nice to people. The game of life tells us to be hard and to think about ourselves. It tells us to care about ourselves and this is true (depending on where you are standing in life). There are some people you just can not be nice to. But, sometimes it’s only you and the guy next to you. Both of you with your backs to a cliff, like the fighters in WWII at Dunkirk. And, when things are looking down on your end of the chain, the guy next to you, might be the man that saves your life or gives you a little more time to save your own life. Your enemy knows that and he knows he is even stronger with you behind him. 

Also something that must be recognized and said for the people lost to us. We don’t know what life is like for them on the other side of the fence. What don’t know what great things are or are not happening for them. And, that is unfortunate because something like that could make the difference. But, we can’t seem to get close enough to any of them without risking injury to ourselves or anybody else. And, whose to say that will ever be able to completely walk away from that situation. It’s not fair and it only leads to more destruction. People think why can't I be normal? Even yesterday, I said something in favor of someone and not even a day later this person was all up in arms over one of the main reasons why things are wrong. UGH! Why can’t everyone else be normal.

Even as I write this blog, things continue to digress and depress. It never ends, no one ever gives you a break. I don’t want to bother with you and I am not interested in you right now. But, your starting to hover over me and your making yourself a topic of interest. And, there are other things that I would much rather be doing like having a Sailor Moon marathon, scratching my balls and eating M&M’s. But, there is no rest for the wicked. So I guess I better get back to work and back to business.

Although I have to admit, I would feel much better if I had a resolution for my life. Getting back to the entertainment industry sounds good. But, after all is said and done, I just want to heal more than anything. Heal my body and mind with love, friendship and normality. I want to get back to things that I love to do. I would like to rediscover my interest in running and even doing hair. Finally write my first book of fiction and just be at peace with the world. Thats more important than anything else. 

Hysteria

Well, I try to make a point to make a point of not writing when I'm upset because in moments like this I usually say or do something that I regret. In moments like this, I usually lose my head.  I feel like there is flames coming off my body, I can't think, my heart races and I hurt. 

All because I just feel so completely and utterly helpless. I feel powerless. And, it's in moments like this it all feels so real. Today I had it impressed on me to be positive and to speak positive. And, I know that but how can you say positively,  "These people are purposefully trying to ruin my life". And, no matter how much truth I give them, things I give them, nice I am to them; at every turn whether I will be taken advantage of. Even if and when they all get what they want. What are you going to do with me? What can you do with me? Half of you won't return my calls or anything. 

And, you hear what everyone says and what those people have to say that, that person says and I just want to hear the words from their mouth. I want them to tell me that they have a plan for my life. If you won't leave me alone then how are we going to live together? You can come hug my mother, bring my Aunt to tears, ruin my relationship with my brother and take anything away from me that you want. But, you can't talk me to me. You can't even give me help because I can't trust you. 

And, I just want to cry so bad but something inside me just wants you to understand, I want to understand and I want something or somebody to feel as bad as I do. So I know that I am not alone. Everybody talks about packing on the pounds and taking money from people. And, I go in my kitchen and my shelves are getting bare. There is hardly any fucking thing to eat in my house. And, I have thirteen cents in my bank account, a phone bill that's almost 200.00 because I have reconnectionfeed. Simply because I'm struggling to pay for a lawsuit. And, I wonder when these pay go to dinner at night or open their cabinets, do they think of my family? Do they think about my Aunt being in early retirement and having less money. Do they think about my brother and his desire to have an apartment. Do they really think that what they have done has helped me. 

The people who are gone have helped me. Ben taught me to drive a car. Curtis feed me when I couldn't feed myself. Gareth brought me back to life and stuck with me when no one else would. Paul he stuck with me when no one else will. Frans told me to seek mental health. Peter and Frank told me to go back to college. Omar and the Lindsey, got me a job and when my own mother couldn't gave me money to feed myself and get well from a cold. My Bishop, Noel Jones clothed, feed and helped pay for me. And, some how all this dysfunction is helping. Right Now, I don't see any ducking body doing a damn thing for Daniel and the Williams family that doesn't benefit them first. Everything that's happening is for somebody else. 

But, no one can see my face or stay in my face long enough to calm me down and explain what the hell is going on. No one can tell me where to go to get a job. Where I can go outside that is a safe place from the noise and drama of my home. There is no where I can run and be alone. There is no where I can go out any and everybody getting in my personal business. And most importantly, I can't get my dick suck with a fucking congress being held. I'm hurt and I'm sad. 

Under Normal Circumstances

Something feels wrong tonight....more wrong than usual. You can feel it in the air and I felt it when I went out earlier. Normally, I would be going out of my mind about it but I'm not surprised. The night before last was so smooth that I'm not surprised that tonight might be a total cluster fuck. 

I'm not living under normal circumstances. I live in a world where I am the bad guy or I am the one who is wrong because I like to stay up all night and day. It's not like I am asking anyone to stay up with me. At my old place I was up all night but I went out to fuck a few somebodies a week. Don't have that kind of privacy or space for anything like that anymore. 

Anyway, I don't see myself as a bully. If anything I see a whole bunch of people who don't see me for who I am. They see rules and guidelines but know nothing about my body, my heart, my mind or anything. What's worst is that they do know; don't care or can't do anything to actually help me. Helping me is what's going to actually help the situation but there lies the conflict of interest for most people. 

What makes me a bully is that I tell the truth or the truth as I see it. And, when you tell things or even tell on some one then that makes you the bad. But, the truth is I am the one whose bullied. I know the difference between bullying  some one and handling business. In this day in age, these things kind of go hand in hand. And, there really is no talking or trusting. So what can I do but tell the truth. 

I don't tell the truth because I want to get someone in trouble. I tell the truth because I want to stop the pain and the bleeding that bullying can bring. And, I wrong if I get upset? So many people, will taunt and do things just for that reason. How can you respect or care about people who put you in that position? You turn the tables on what a relationship should be and create enemy of me then blame other people for being the reason as to why we don't get along. 

Then it's really upsetting to have people come in my life and be this way. And, what's more upsetting is the people you take away in the process. It's like, "well if I can't have a good life with you then I can't have any life at all". You can claim that it's for your safety but who am I? You know I don't like you but I'm not capable of the things you imagine. Any, this is not good, it's pesimmistic. I was a pest to my old boyfriend; I would not let up. And, in the process, I pushed him further and further away when I wanted him closer. 

But, what's even more upsetting is that it's gone so far beyond me. And, you can look at me all day long but it's not about me. You look trouble, then cause trouble and then have to end up looking out for more trouble. Going into this long and drawn out cycle of the same thing. In the process of trying to have this closed off and local existence. You accepted people in your life to fix the problem and have made yourselves into celebrities for all the ruckus caused by other people. 

The saying is true I guess. What they say about karma, magic and revenge. What we do comes back to us. Be careful what you wish for. And, all I can say is I've got a very small part to play in that. Like I have said before, I can't make anybody do anything or make any action. We all have self control but the fault in every single one of us is ego. 

Locked In

When your stuck in one situation or one place, you tend to get stuck in what ever is happening there. In my situation I have multiple things going on. And, I have touched on a few of the topics recently. Of all days for my strength to fail and for all of my fear plus aggression to fall on one person. I'm embarrassed and I don't really even feel like trying to explain myself because it hurts plus today has been a cluster fuck. 

My motto for days like this is, when you can't point your fingers at one person, then you have got to start raising more fingers. Whatever has happened, has been a collaborative and calculated thing. And, judging by the joy in the air. To some extent, whatever was intended, was partially successful. If I know some people well enough, they will try again but only better. 

But, what really fucked with me today was all the things that were coming up and out. Just the information that was sensitive and things that no one really talks about. Like this guy that I blogged about maybe last month because of an incident with a guy that I used to love. His name comes up and im like, "oh shit!". But, the funny thing is the exact same thing I said about him in blog post, they did the exact same thing I said was going. And, it wasn't a lie but it was like damn; if both sides of the fence are saying basically the same shit. God bless him! 

I'm going to come back to that in a minute. But, what's really concerning and what's really bringing me down in my heart. Is the love lost! All the friends I have that I can't explain completely why things are the way they. How can you explain feelings and moments gone by. London Boy, just the perfect young man. A little dirt under his nails from growing through things and climbing up in the world. But, a good person. Then hear all the negative things that keep coming from his direction. Then to hear all the negative things now coming from the direction of a guy that I have tried not involve in my life too much anymore. 

If I'm hit by a car, blow a tire or something then you know where to look. He would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. I've got two friends with similar names so for the sake of keeping him anonymous and not confusing him with some one else, will call him Pasadena Guy. So Pasadena Guy is some one that I met maybe in late 2010 or early 2011. So I made a trip a his house and he is a short nerdy looking guy but his body is amazing. But, he is well rounded, he does everything the right and proper way. Maybe that's because he was a lawyer. 

Anyway, I used to come to his old house in Pasadena. We would have these fascinating dinners; he had talents in the kitchen like another friend that I mentioned recently. Ahhh, some of the best meals of my life. I would feel full without all the bloat, pain and sickness. I would spend nights at his house to get away from my home. He was another one of those people who used to cheer lead me on. When I had run out of ideas, he would have one. He wanted me to work because when he met me I was working I think. 

So I got the job at that place which shall not be named. And, I had spent the night at his house a few weeks prior and it looks like his cat had scratch a big portion of the leather off my grey Puma bag. And, without hesitation, he bought me a new one that was similar. Anybody that's seen me travel in Europe, might have seen my yellow Puma bag. So the day, I went to pick it up, I brought a friend who shall not be named but after that everything changed. As the months and weeks went by things started to change. He seemed stressed, his weight went up, and some how we got closer but things got harder. Then it got harder to be with him. I'm a private person, believe it or not. My friends are my friends, not my families friends or anything like that. So when I start to feel like he was the source of pain, I let him go. And, I told him honestly how I felt. I wasn't trying to be bitchy but I tend to not be nice after a certain point, God forgive me. 

No one wants to feel that some one that they loved and shared so much with has betrayed them. But a part of me kind of thought that if I let him go, that what ever it was would let him go. But, it never did. In some ways he seemed happier, he was making friends in my neighborhood and I don't even have friends in neighborhood. I wish him love and happiness. The funny thing that I have never said or blogged about is the one thing. If these people only knew exactly where or exactly how I came across some of my friends they would just die. We are all more connected then they might even know but I remember. I have a feeling that if most people remembered how they entered my life, things would be different. 

As for today, I let it get to me. I hurt my best friend. I wasn't trying to. But, I just die every time that it comes to him. I think I love him that much more for every friend that I lost; so signals got crossed, I'm hearing all kinds of shit, my family is acting different and I'm ready to punch a wall because of a ghost. I wasn't mad at home but mad at the situation and pissed at home because I didn't want him to go anywhere. Anyway, I can't explain a feeling or a moment but these guys weren't just any old body that I fucked and forgot. These guys were my examples, champions, my friends and people who believed in me. People that want things from you. It's something I hadn't had for years and kind of don't have locally. Instead, I'm locked in with all the bad words. 

Daydream

I've talked about this topic before things happen so fast. Like I go to bed and by the time that I wake up the whole world has changed. Like everything has been processed for yesterday and the day ahead. So more than change; everyday brings a new challenge. 

This past week I talked to someone who said that they spend too much time online. And, he asked me what I do for fun offline. It's been so many years that I can't exactly remember what I used to do to fill my time. I wish I could remember. So I have been thinking about all the things I used to do. And, not just those general things like TV, exercise, go to the movies, go to dinner with friends, ......I used to do all of those things. 

And, I remember what I used to do. Daydreaming used to be my thing. I used to daydream all day long. I know you guys might think at this point, what a pointless blog post. But, here is where I give you the gift...atleast of knowledge. 

Daydreaming is another form of visualizing and motivation that can turn into planning.  If we can visualize or daydream, we can see what we want for ourselves. We create ideas that can be researched and put into action. For example, for all the months and weeks that lead up to me becoming a model, I just thought about how much I wanted people from high school, ex boyfriend, and many more to eat their words. So I would exercise like a maniac and I would be so tired but everytime I thought about my ex boyfriend I just got amped. I would listen to Britney Spears "Gimme More" and Timbaland's "Return The Favor", I would exercise and dance. 

And, I look at my life now and there is not much room for imagination or action.  Atleast not the kind of action that I'm talking about. When I woke up this morning, you could feel the energy in the air that says, "Ahh, there you are.....we have been doing something in regard to you". My brother is walking around all angry and irritable, Mom's looking snark and my Aunt is quiet (which is kind of un nerving). 

It's no secret that I will be coming into some extra money soon. And, I usually know this two to three days before I get it. But, this time I found out about it a week or so in advance. This is normally the time that I usually daydream the most. When I get money, I always think to myself, "How can I make dreams come true, How can I make this last and What is going to make my life better". To answer those questions, I have to think about other people. But, instead of thinking about, what I can do for us, I'm thinking about, how can I stop this from being one of those land claim rushes of the old west. 

If you haven't figured it out, money is one of the only things that can change things over night. And, it makes me think about my situation, my family says they don't mind if I leave here for good. But, the way they act is totally the opposite. And, I think to myself, "wouldn't a person, be pissed off at the fact that you normally can't contribute or take care of yourself". And, I mean they have to understand and know the reason why I'm not getting a job, right? Knowing these circumstances and knowing that your financial situation is getting worse or limited....wouldn't you be trying to give me away. Then thinking about all the circumstances that you guys go through over me, things you do to me. Like being so disagreeable when I have money. Wouldn't a normal person be tired? You would think that despite everything, that on some money, you would be happy for me and happy for yourself because I always do stuff for friends and family. I just don't get people and going through the same motions all the time. 

This house needs some imagination. At this point, I don't think anybody remembers what they used to enjoy before a certain point. What is it that kept us happy and unconcerned with petty things. What did we have going on within ourselves that kept us happy or that keep us reaching higher. Right Now, I don't know if there is any thing that is growing  . I hope I get that fire back, the ability to dream and visualize the future. And, the space to actually try for my dreams. To have a life with purpose and direction. That's where we gave up and grew up, the day that we stopped trying for life. 

Sorry

Its hard to not lose faith, its even harder to talk about loosing faith when there are so many people believing in you and crossing their fingers for you. And, if I had to hire some to be me and play the roll that I play in the world, I would totally hire someone else. I’m not too smart, I’m not too brave and I can be outrightly negative. Plus, lazy! All I every wanted to do was grow up, be pretty, play with men and make as much money as possible. But, here I am, life happened to me. 

After my last blog post, I could feel some tension from places that I don’t normally feel it from. And, its hard to make a statement when it could apply to so many people or when there are so many complexities to my relationships. There are people who are pulling for me and praying for me. I’m very thankful! I find myself always trying to make myself proud as well as others. And, I have never been so good at it but I doing the best I can.

Even with small degrees of progress and temporary victories, I worry because I have been in this same spot and position so many times. I have been here for so long, so many years of promises and ideas. And, so many times after I have done all the work, praying, crying and fulfilling any request…..when it comes time for things to happen, it never happens. And, having a bad attitude about things is not attractive on so many levels. But, having too high hopes can lead to you being crushed when things don’t work out. 

So many times I have had to start over from scratch. When I didn’t really get to far from scratch in the first place. But, it hurts because all of the progress that you have made internally and externally, mean nothing. None of what you have done means anything anymore. So you have to learn how to live all over again and at the same time try to preserve the life source that you have now.

As I have said before, people are not going to be happy with you doing well. When I got at temp job in the beginning of 2013, I was away from home about 6 hours a day and maybe four days a week. There was a possibility that I could get this job permanently and everyone was just miserable. It just seemed like everybody had a problem or was moody. It just didn't make sense to me, how could everyone be so unhappy when I’m not around to get in trouble or talk on the phone; just anything. As you can tell, I didn't get hired permanently. 

The friendships and opportunities that I lost never started out bad. They were good and full of hope. They were everything that I needed. They feed me and helped me. But, somewhere along the line, things always change and something happens. What once was this warm and understanding thing because this mean and questioning thing. As if they are looking for me to prove that certain bad things about me are true. The crazy thing about life is that if you keep looking for someone's bad side or keep playing with it then you will get it. And, more than losing an opportunity, seeing that change is frightening. You don't want to see people that you love, just taken over and changed. Then to be expected to stick around and have to take beating after beating. And, then not to be able to stand up for yourself or defend yourself with being the one thats blamed because you said something.

I wish that things were different but thats just the way things are. I wish I could be more than I am but this is it. I don’t know the future but despite all these things, I have to tell you guys that I am optimistic. Believe it or not! But, I recognize that more than believing that one thing will happen, that a series of things will happen, that I will keep this friend or get this job, I have to keep myself going on. And, no matter how hard to try to be strong , it hurts every time when things fail. Softening the blow is all that I can do.