Hurt (Wait A Minute)

Ohhhhh! I hurt everywhere right now. My legs hurt and even my arms hurt. It's not like I have been lifting weights but all this damn walking. It's good for me but too much of anything can kill you. Lol! But, I don't want my car back because this is good for me. Anyway, let's get focused! Let's think about a couple things like being hurt. Recent events have taught me something very important! 

So my current teacher is different. He is not bad or anything like that, he is just different. So after a hiccup with my work; I was upset and after all ways said and done, I just don't think we were reading each other well. His way of giving assignments, how he gives instruction and even communicates was so foreign to me for some reason. Needless to say I was getting frustrated! We forget that when we meet different people, communication is so important. You really can't go off of people's actions sometime. What may look bad, may be different even though something's are just different and bad. 

And, that brings me to my life and the bigger issues around it. Some people think it's a matter of American security and having greater access to information. In my mind and in my heart, it's not about that. I don't see my friends and the people I love interested in terrorizing people. What I see is people fighting to not be terrorized and to not have their lives turn upside down. And, I know some people say, "How could you or we feel that way when these (other people) help?". Well, it comes with a high cost; you willed your power over because you say a way to fix your problems. But, here you have these (other) people who are interested and doing the thing to them that you've accused my friends of. We know and I have verbally heard, "I want their information and technology". 

I'm so sorry to say it but America is the bad guy. Wait a minute! I don't want to say America is the bad guy but some Americans are. I want to say the same thing about France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Brazil, China, Korea, Japan, Thailand, Austria and Australia. And, it is unfortunate that we can't communicate with this people. It is unfortunate that these people can't take no for an answer. It is unfortunate that it has to go as far as it is and most likely further. And, the American in me admires the strength, stealth and the aggression of these other people. But, so much of who I am is now Western and Northern European. I'm interested in diplomacy, acting with a conscious, being reserved, having conversations, fairness, modernization and equality. Stealth, strength and aggression can be seen as  barbarian activity if you don't have all the attributes I mentioned. 

In closing, you can't be the barbarian and the lamb at the same time. You can't ask for security and information, be a barbarian and then when you get beat or found out, become the baby lamb that's abused. It's not fair! To ask for something you can't give. It's not fair for you to be so mean and demanding but not open to other people and things. Something has to change! And, it has to begin within the Americans first. We need transparency and equality amoung ourselves before we try to tell some other country about themselves because there are so many Americans walking around acting a fool off of things they don't even have correct in the first place. The work needs to be done here. We need to know why we're getting it wrong here. 

Mean Gays

I know lots of people wonder why I don't date or have more black male friends. I swear it's not on purpose. Even a white male friend of mines gets on my case about it. Most people that know me, know I'm equal opportunity. I don't have on my profiles white only or no asians. I don't do things like that! I believe it's wrong! What I don't like is attitude! The majority of my life I've been teased. Throughout elementary school I was chased home from school. In middle school people threw stuff at me and called me gay before I even knew what it was. By high school, I looked scary enough that no one bothered me or didn't for long. 

But when I got in my twenties, I was living in my old apartment and had a job doing HIV/AIDS prevention for the black gay community. And, there was this gay who got hired after me. He was recently discharged from the Army and was from Georgia. For some reason he choose me to pick on out of all the people that worked there. Everyday he picked and he picked while I did nothing. So I finally started to stand up for myself but he still felt he had the upper hand and continued. Then one day he tried it again and tried to touch me. So I lost my mind, I pin him in the corner in front of the whole office and said, "If you want to fight, we can do this". I'd had enough! I couldn't stand it anymore. 

The next time this happened, I was abroad and a boy did it again. He was black, American and from Georgia. He kept picking in his own way from the first time that I met him. I didn't pin him in a corner; my friends saved me from that. Plus, there was another black guy there, he wasn't from America but we got along great. And, I'm not the kind of boy to pick on people. And, my issue with dating black men has nothing to do with me being friends with them. And, recently, I've been tested again. I'm not going to fight but on my own accord, I will not take beaten after beating everyday especially where I live and sleep. 

Repercussions may come my way but I don't expect my friends to bail me out. I've done what I've done on my own. And, I'm not sorry about it! However, I will say that I'm sorry if anyone else gets hurt in the process. I know these kind of people; they will hurt anything you have or love, just to get back at you. They are easy to offend and when they have some power behind them, they just take everything they do out proportion. And, this attitude is not so uncommon with with people in my community especially with black gay men. I don't care if your older, how much money or power you have. I'm going to let you have so much space and let you get away with it for so long before I get pissed off. 

I'm not entirely sure why I'm explaining myself but I guess it always boils down to race. I'm not racist....I'm an attitude-ist. In high school, I was a bitchy queen for a while until I learned that, that's not going to get you too far in the real world. Plus, My mother didn't raise me or my brother that way because no one in my family is that way. And, yeah, my brother and I fight but we're not bitchy queens to each other all day. We joke but we know when a joke is a joke. That's just the way we are; my whole family and I. So I don't know what's next but I face it with full responsibility; do what you want to me and my body but leave other people out of it. I'm doing you a favor! 

Assurance Insurance

There is one thing that I always write about and you will be reading about it again today. What I want to talk about is the assurance of others. So here it goes…

In my life, I have been talked about. Definitely talked about more than most. It was never really a problem because even just a few years ago, I could walk away or distance myself from whatever drama that was going on. And, I could come home and rest assured that my family would love me without bias. They would have enough faith in my decisions and know who I am to them. 

These days I can’t get far without the popular version of who I am and what my life has been like following me. And, thats not really good because on a spiritual level, human beings need the space to evolve into something more. They need the space to grow internally. And, on a natural level, having a reputation follow you is going to ruin you socially. Instead of people, deciding who you are for themselves, they will take the popular opinions of popular or sacred people and believe it. In some cases this is fine but whether the stories are true or not, its’ hard to live, change or grow under those circumstances. 

Anyway, what brought this topic to mind is this….All the time (not just today) people are saying things to me like “Oh, this person is good”, “This person is with me” and even sometimes, “I own this person”. And, you know what, I believe those things. I’ve no doubt that this person is good but I also have no doubt that any person is capable of something more or worse. As for the other two statements, I just resent those words. Even if its true, maybe because I am the great grand son of slaves or because I am American and there is an amendment in the Constitution, I just resent the idea of anybody owning another person. 

A lot of times, the idea that comes to mind that somewhere along the line, my family and my friends started to see that I was something more or different than just their family member. At some point, they took popular opinion over me. I wonder when did I become this thing to be appeased, watched and cautious with. When did I become the person that would hurt his family. The funny thing is none of them ever watched themselves like I had to watch them. They all have evolved into people that I actually have to watch or be extremely cautious with. And, its not because they are mean people but some of them can be. There are several reasons why I have to but I think today its because they don’t always know everything. In their existence, time and time again, I have seen them almost make fools of themselves because they only knew a portion of the story. 

I’ve watched so many people I know walk in the assurance of word of mouth. It’s the assurance of things that remain unseen. And, in many ways, watching this I feel for people who act or do things that they normally wouldn’t do if they knew everything. And, if you get anything from this blog post, don’t let it be juice about my family or friends, I want you to understand two or three things….1. Sometimes you have to forgive people and let things go because they know not what they are doing. 2. Secondly, before you go half cocked in revenge, you have got to educate (although trying to tell someone who is convinced of one thing is impossible). And, Lastly, just be prepared….no matter what you do or say some people aren’t going to believe you. 

If any of you have figured it out, I’m all about freedom and letting people do as they please (as long as they don’t hurt anybody else). It’s hard to live this way when you have one side that I should belong and support no matter what. Then another side that loves me and supports me even when I am being stupid or crazy. And, you see the side that you belong to taking shots at the other side and at me (sometimes just to get the other side). All of which I think is awful not because I am loved there but because in most cases it is just wrong or unprovoked. Then they get protection for doing it and defended by people who don’t even know what the fighter actually did, And, then to see people just trying to protect themselves and frowned upon for it is just mind blowing. Like I would really like to understand how the world works these days. 

Calling All Battleships...

Recently I said that the tide can change at any point in time. And, you can feel the tide changing. Everyone is getting hyped, the energy is different and the sarcasm level is going up. I'm not afraid because I expect a number of bad things to happen. And, I just can't wait for them to just happen, so some of us can feel better about ourselves or more secure. So some of us can feel their control and like their winning (in a game that's produced nothing but losers. So some of us can be a little more angry and so the tide can change all over again. 

Some people think I'm brave, some think I'm stupid and something I'm pretty smart. What can I say, I am human, I'm a little bit of everything. But, there are two things that happen in my life that made me be the way that I am. When I was 13 or 14, for my birthday my Mom promised to get me a Nintendo Gameboy color. It was a special edition Pokemon Gameboy pack. So did it even though we were homeless. And, a friend of the family said to me while I was alone with her, "this is all your fault, your the reason why you guys are homeless". And, I felt the guilt. And, hear I am in this situation now and it feels just like I am the little boy again. I feel like all of sudden, it's my fault that life has turned into this and spilled into others. 

I hate it and that's a heavy mental battle to fight. It's something that I have to think rationally and easily about it. It takes me to a dark place. And, I've got to keep going. I've got to keep moving along. ; can't sit in depression and sickness. The inactivity is only going to make you feel worst. 

So good luck to all of us. I'm calling all my mental battleships to keep me from falling down so low. I know there will best some hard tests and keeping the drama to a minimum. Fingers crossed! 

Welcome Back to Reality

This is where I know I said something that was true. When you touched something. When you can feel the earth moving. Minds questioning because they never knew. 

When it comes to this life, when it to this much pain...I know that I've said something true. If it wasn't true, you would have counted against my character and IQ. 

It's like the pain I feel is bittersweet and all because I know the truth. I want to count it to my IQ. But, sad because this isn't all just a dream or coma I'm having. This is my real life. I'm not watching a bad movie. This is me living. It's a heartbreaking realization. 

But, what can you do! Nothing but to keep trying. Running back to the little bit of life you had. You realize that even though it was little, it was sweet. Now you get more drama when your trying to not have drama. And, you guys just would not get it or maybe you would. But, to have intense and delicate relationships mixed into all your relationships. And, to constantly have to have these intense and delicate situations going through your head and rest of your body. I mean a real mental problem. Then to travel the world in a day. How am I still alive. But, I try to get on with a happy smile and pick my arse up. And, it works! 

I've got pick myself up off the ground. I've got do something. It all brings me back to love and I feel purpose in life and space to be normal. And, even though I get worn out like now. In many many ways, sometimes it feels so great to be me. Not because of some weird drama. But because I like who I am. I like who I talk to. And, grateful for the lessons I've learning. Maybe a little angry about the people I've lost. 

I'm not sure about the future at this point. The climate is changing. Even Im changing. And with all this I've got to say that we've all got to stay humble. This the part where shit seems to get real. But, tomorrow is another day. X 

Timeline

Sometimes I don't have all the answers. I just don't have all the information. But, anytime I get lost I always do one or two things. The first thing I do, is cross reference between my blog posts. Then I try to remember everything that I didn't write about those posts. Where was I running during that time. Remember those encounters. The second part  is the easy part. 

The hard part is reliving the past because these days the past tends to come back alive. And, in most cases, if something is in my past and not in my present then it's for a reason. 

There is a particular section of time that comes to mind now. It's a time that belongs to a friend. Now I'm on good terms with this friend maybe even on excellent terms. But, I feel the energy shift between us; I felt it a long time ago. I felt something different in him. And, I look at that window of time and I'm starting to see that there was a collaboration which would explain maybe why another local friend recently shut me out so abruptly. If Im wrong then this is really bad but if I'm right then things are even worse then I thought. And, I'm running through the time line trying to connect all of the dots........Working at Loyola Marymount University-discovered running area on my  own. Paul. Nicholas. Running area. New people buy house where I park my car. Changes in area. Go to Berlin. Come home- Tim and Irish people. Money. David-day I bought ticket to Copenhagen. House across the street from where I park my car is bought. New parking spot but something of the few blocks screams of Wes. 

I'm starting to see that the only way, I'm going to answers is either with help or to turn my life in an old direction. But, if things are as bad as I think they might be. That means that there are more wolves in sheep clothing then I thought. And, there is only so much that I can do especially if certain people won't talk to me, won't see me or I can't see them.  

And, I hate to put things out there that I can't verify or confirm. I don't like to do it because it only further creates the myth or verifies the illusion that I'm totally crazy and/or stupid. Plus, there is one important thing to remember especially if you don't have fantastic vision or knowledge. The rumor is that there are other factions out there that are operating under deep cover. If that's true, who they might be and if they are succeeding....I don't know. So it's hard to sometimes know whose your friend and you risk a lot bothering some people. One thing I know for sure, is that there are three different people I need to talk to but I can't get to any of them. I could use a referee in my life, the way my relationships get destroyed. I just need a whole team of people to come. Fix my life! 

I feel like I might go through a similar situation with another friend. Something said to me, on the day I came home from seeing him, "don't get his address, if you get his address that is how it will happen". And, I talked with my friend and said to him, "Now before you give me your address, I really want you to think about this". He insisted and I really couldn't protest, he seemed to have everything under control. But, I look at where we are now and where that address has been. Hmmm! 

Never Ceases To Amaze Me

So I'm laying here and I'm exhausted. I want to go to sleep but every time I get ready to something pops up. Anyway, earlier today I was having one of those moments. How foolish we must look in Gods eyes. And, I'm sad by how easily were all so taken in. 

The one thing that bothers me about everything and everyone around me.....is when have you ever seen someone around here get their hands laid on by someone that I recently. Why is it just automatically assumed that, this or that is going to happen. It pisses me off because here you have people, who are begging to be safe and to be protected by people who want them to provoke, hurt and capture other people. On what planet does that make sense. 

It really takes heart to fight. I see that heart in same people that are in my heart. It takes heart and soul to keep going even when you've been tagged and branded as something your not. But, if you can be controlled then will let you in so you can bring us closer to our goal of doing the same thing that we just did to you, to somebody else. It's shit that still never ceases to amaze me. And, I know all of you know these things. But, it pisses me off that the first people to open their mouths about me and mines are people who can't even look me in the eye or meet me. 

It pisses me off that some of us act elementary school bullies; the first ones to be mean, to lay hands on someone, the first ones to lose their heads, the first ones to brag about how strong they are and tell me that I should go ahead and tell my friends that they should just give up, they get one bump on their ego and their screaming and crying for the next person to come along and save them like someone just sued them (like I was), like someone whose been hit in a car (like me and my mom), like someone who has been rejected countlessly (like me), like someone who can't meet people (like me), like someone who can't have sex (like me), like someone who can't be awake for twenty minutes (like me), my someone who just gained another thirty pounds in one year (like me). 

And, it pisses me off because why or how could you say to someone "Oh,y'all should just give up". You know what, you  must not know what your participating in. You must not understand the scope of things. There are friends that I know, I'm my heart love me but if they had the choice to get out of this game, be left alone and all they had to do was leave me alone then you could very well believe that they would have done it long ago. But, this thing, this event is spreading like a bad rash all over the globe. 

I know it's hard for many or any of us to think about other people for too long. Everyone was so crazy about those kidnap school girls in Africa, we found a few and everybody forgot about it. And, most black folks don't care too much unless it's something bad that's happened to another black person. But, I don't know many people who are in my position; all of my good friends are pretty much more better off then me. And, these are beautiful and talented people. No better than anyone else even if they have stronger or great abilities. These people are not just white, they are not just male and they are not just gay. There are mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers, aunts and uncles. They are teachers, investors, warehouse workers, and much more. Who worked just as hard as you to get where they are. And, you standby and watch other people who give to their communities near and far, fall because they have (in cases just an interaction) or relationship with me? And, you do it for a woman who confessed all her crimes (to everyone here and the captors) and your still interested in finding the people who brought her to justice. 

It's like....I don't understand this. Why  didn't this stop like over a year or so ago. Why is this still happening and coming from to self confessed greatest country in the world. When will you people see, that as much as it is about me, it's about other people. And, you can say that it's not but I can tell you half of the people that your running with or two faced and never trust a two faced person because  they will stab you in the back when it counts. A two faced person is worried about survival. And, a half of em, talk major shit about all of you. The other half is is so confused that they don't know up from down and just believe simply because they confuse power with righteousness. This is sad! And, I can tell you, that this is not the real world for any of us. You can't just believe things about people. You've got use your eyes and not your ears. This experience is making mean and infantilized people. And, like the young boy in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as long as the Turkish Delight keeps coming your sold. 

In closing, I've got one last thing to say before I shut up. Lots of people are upset about management and the extra person hanging around the house. You feel like you have no room to move or freedom. And, I could be half wrong about this. But, imagine how so many others feel; being so removed from their lives, from their loved ones and even me. A lot of things could change if we could just get real and let some things go. But, like I said it doesn't just end with me, it's other people out there to who are mad as hell. 

Reason #1

Reason #1 to stay loving the states....

It's legal here so don't judge me😋

Appreciation

You know the one thing that gets in the way of life.....it is keeping the past so close. For so many years, I'd go out and remember how things used to be. I'd go to a place and be haunted by memories of how good things used to be; who friends, how family saw me, sex and more. 

The area of my life where it's so surprising is dating. I remember when a good date meant going to a bar, doing something interesting or staying in for beer, movies sex and pizza. And, meeting people fast. So it made appreciating my now virtually non existent love and sex life, very hard. 

So last night I went out and had a bite. It felt out to be out. I didn't think about the past or how much better it was back then. It was amazing! I felt like there is maybe hope; I felt more optimistic among other things. 

But, more importantly, I felt normal. And, I hope to always the way I do now one day. To feel safe and that everything will workout fine. That is not a feeling that should be reserved for the rich, the powerful and those in control. Everyone should feel just that good everyday. 

Right Now, everything and everyone  seems to be in motion.....doing things secretly and blatantly. And, I tire from feeling like that. But, for now I will just appreciate the little things. 

Workout Motivation

Definitions

I think I have some different definition of things. Part of the reason why is because I am living and stuck living the way I do. While everyone else was out living life; working and growing to be something more or just another cog in the wheel, I was at home. So I recognize that I might not have the same ideals as others. But, I'm not exactly lacking in the social graces. I'm generally nice to people and kind to everyone. And, I think I'm pretty fair. 

So these days, "When someone says, you speak to me disrespectfully".....I'm flabbergasted. I know that I can speak disrespectfully but I don't even use my disrespectful vocabulary. For example, I would really like to say, "you wretched fuck, you treat me like a step child and think it's cool. Then you let every fucking bastard that comes along treat me exactly the same". But, I don't say things like that. I want to say things like that and much worse. I can cuss like a sailor and used to really enjoy it. 

So if it's not the language then it's the subject matter. The subject matter is harsh. But, it's the reality. And, I would speak the truth to any body because it may not be what you want but it's what you need to hear. Everyone around you is going to pump you up. Like today I was at Best Buy and watching these people who were all up in my situation, smiling  from a distance and being nonconfrontational; I'm returning the favor even though I feel like shit because I've been constipated for the last three days. And, I handle my business and leave, so as I am leaving I could feel the energy change. I'm doing something in my car and I couldn't help but watch them. 

And, it was then in there that I wished that people were honest with me, even if it hurt my feelings because that's growing up. Like if something is going on with my body, tell me the truth. Why? because this is something that should be handled correctly and accordingly. If you have to sneak around then it is deceitful. But, I know most people don't want to be accountable because they probably wouldn't eat the shit or whatever. If it was that good, you would have to be deceitful about it. It would have to be a secret. It would be something that I could manage. 

So this is the world that I live in. And, I know and believe that one good turn deserves another. Feel good about your victories. I know that I feel good when the world is turning at a speed that I can enjoy. But, in the back of my mind, I know that the tide always changes one day. Like today, there are people coming from all over the place, people I have never talked to and more. Everyone is probing my life today, looking for the  reasons for my success because me doing okay is such a bad thing for everybody else. I'm really getting tired of this if it wasn't for the love I do have I don't think I could go on. If someone asked me what the definition of survival is I'd say love. 

In The Spotlight

So I've been watching Oprah....and it's a Marathon of Oprah's Next Chapter. So far I've seen the Tina Turner episode (which is a must see) and the Beyoncé episode. During both episodes Oprah asked "How does it feel when your own stage". And, both artist described it as an outer body experience. Tina said, "your not hungry, your not thinking,......etc". And, writing, singing and being with children make me feel that way. These things are perfect outlets for truth and innocence. It is my time to kind of just let it go. And, I genuinely feel better each time that I do it. 

So it kills me a little more each time, to not be able to live my truth. And, to not live in light. But, I'm doing my best to live in light. I'm doing my best to live in love. And, to just do what I have to do and it's getting harder not just because you see people like running to get up in your life but to see them running out as well. And, I really want to say something so sharp that it cuts the person it belongs to. 

It just makes me so angry and frustrated.  And, I still try to throw little things in there or say little things so some people will calm down whether they be emotional, scared, on a lead or angry. And, it's like folks are still doing the same things. I don't know if they are sure of their capabilities (I say that because everybody has a smart ass comment or action), I don't know if it's a forced thing (because you can't blame some people for being tools) or what it is. But, it's like I don't want to be the thing that makes some popular or atleast the thing that gets blamed for whatever action that some one else did on their own. 

If there is any advice I would give to anyone around me or that I know it would be that, "You touch it, break it or even in some cases talk about it....you've bought". Your worried about your security and how things are, well, sometimes being secure is leaving some things alone. And, this is not a read or being disrespectful, this is just a fact of life....the life that you've help build and make. 

I wish I knew the future so I could protect people from themselves and from others. The first time something goes wrong, the hammer is going to fall on me. That I've made it an unsecure or that there are bad people all around. But, never ever says well what did we do. So whatever happens, I'm not accountable. But, I will say that it's a shame and opportunity. An opportunity to make a friend but I doubt that will happen. But, in the instance, that I'm kind of speaking on....they were kind to me when I first got here. They helped us when we got here. That I'm thankful for but anything after that, I don't know. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Goodnight! 

Syleena Johnson

One of the biggest lessons (and maybe one of the few things that I remember from class in high school) is that, "History is always told from the winners, point of view". The winners point of view is usually the accepted point of view. And, everybody wants to be a winner (especially if they have been winning or losing for a long time). 

And, the sad truth is that in my life, I am not winning. I'm not in control of my life and or of my decisions. Furthermore, if you haven't guessed from my previous posts....I make mistakes and I'm out of line sometimes. But, I guess that kind of comes with the territory of being young, not in control of my life and having so many out of control people in my life. 

If anything bothers me today it's something that I've had said to me or implied to me several times over the last few months about the main thing that's been holding me back. Everyone keeps saying, " Try it for yourself"......" Give them a chance". Now think about this....somebody has to realize just how stupid it sounds. Forget about all the things that have gone down and everything. And, please correct me if I'm wrong because maybe it's the representatives around here that have fucked up that connection. But, the truth is, I tried it before all you guys did. 

You wouldn't even have it or be trying it if it wasn't for me. And, it doesn't want to work for me. It wants me or atleast it used to. But, it does respect me or my wishes. It doesn't respect who I am. It wants to know everything about me but for all the wrong reasons. And, the funny thing is why have so much in common. 

First off, I like my privacy even though I have this blog. I have always lived my life privately. I have best friends but I don't tell them every single thing I'm thinking or about to do until I'm ready. We both like to help people and give things to people. And, I'd say we both have control issues.  I'll admit it and say it.....especially when it comes to friends, I'm territorial. I'm not going to go to the extent of saying that I own my friends because it's wrong to say that. But, what I will say is that, I'm territorial to the extent of protection. 

But, I'd never thought that I'd have to be in a position where I'd have to protect my friends from each other. I think to myself, the mindset that others suffer from. And, I know for some the things that I have been saying are becoming real. The things that I have been warning new friends about and have been saying about being my friend are realized. And, the danger really is closer to home; spreading, growing and becoming more bold. But, I can't reach out to these people because it's like talking to a wall. 

It's the same suffering and struggle that I know here at home. And, I don't know how to say it any more plainly or nicely but I'm not interested. If you were really interested in me, you wouldn't have dismissed me countless times. I'd still be working with you; I'd be doing with you, what I have been doing with countless other people.....learning and growing in love. Love that is real and honest; love that is not self seeking (atleast not to the point that it's going to completely ruin my life when it's done). 

One of my favorite artists is Syleena Johnson. I don't know if it's because her birthday is the day after mines or what but I love the woman. She makes music that speaks to me. Her songs are r&b  but not just about the flashy things. And, she has had real struggles in her career.  She had to come from under her father's spotlight, her mother is a little crazy. She's it a big break through and was making records with huge labels. But, she knew that she wasn't making the records she wanted. And, she was having trouble securing deals because of her music and maybe even her looks (black, female and overweight). No one was supporting her vision. Everyone had guidelines and rules or just keeping up with the Britney Spears/Beyoncé era of woman soloists. 

And, I realize that I can relate to this woman's life in my own way. I don't want to belong to some big machine. I want to do what I love and feel good about myself at the end of the day. I don't think I ever want to have the power to do or be apart of what's been done to me. And, as for those friends that I was talking about earlier. The ones that I or we have to worry about.....all I can say is this, " I'm sorry that we have gone through this ordeal together. I'm confident that you will be okay. I don't want to be your enemy as much as I am now your target. I guess you've discovered the same hate for me that seems to be universally shared. I can't deny that I am angry and disappointed in you. For you will gain the world at the price of keeping one man with nothing down. And, I pray that your hunger is never satisfied. I hope that you consume and consume but never know satisfaction. That you know the emptiness that I feel daily. The emptiness that comes from not having love, not having nearby friends, not being able to have sex or go other without fear for my life. ". Yeah, that last part is mean but it's true. For it is shameful! 

The truth is I feel like I've paid any and every debt that I could have possibly paid. My old address hates me so what, current address....well they got it from the old address and old business. Old friends hate me, well you can guess where they got it from. So I have paid in years, friendship, financially, my health and tears. And, yeah! There are most likely some people that would like to kill and sue about 80% of you guys. But, I'm just done with all you motherfuckers. And, I wish I could give all of you the distinct pleasure of never having to see the guy that you hate so much. But, the truth is you need me for your own gain and I pray the same prayer for all of you. If you only knew how it feels, then maybe you would think differently. 

A Stranger!

Ugh, I hate crying! I haven’t cried in a while and if I am crying, it is for a damn good reason. Maybe it’s because I am a virgo but I look at things differently….I look at details and what things represent. A lot of times people don’t look at things that way. They look at everything for face value; they look at things like its a business. And, there is a time and place for that. But, when it comes to dealing with people, it requires a human touch and not just for people that you like. 

Now after yesterday’s blog, most folks might think me a hater. And, I get tired of stupid people who don’t actually read this blog or actually know me. I want the best for all of my friends, I want them to have and be everything that they want to be. If there is one thing I don't want them to have or to lose is the ability to be the person who I know. That person is created beautifully and I am in love with that person. 

Now I am looking at all the people that I know and have known; I loved so much. I wonder when did they stop seeing who I am. When did they start looking for things about me, from people who don’t actually know me. You can’t know someone who your conditioned to dislike and its your job to do them wrong. If you actually liked the person that your charged to have these duties with then you wouldn't do your job that well. 

Anyway, I wonder when those friends started working me, for their own benefit. I wonder when they started telling my secrets. I wonder when they got so crazy as to fight people who are trying to help them. I wonder when they started seeing me as some one to handle and maneuver like I am some kid and not the person who would give anything. I wonder when the pressure got so hard that they could resist. 

I wonder when their captors became their friends. Like yesterday, the way the beat me, teased me and taunted me, there is no question as to who you belong to. Yeah, it’s nice that your protected but when have you ever needed protection from me. I wonder when we couldn’t work our own problems out. What I wrote yesterday was not an attempt to get what is yours. What I wrote was to show the inequality. The favoritism and hypocrisy! The things that made us even closer. 

And, it wasn’t just to piss some people off. Sometimes your enemies even need to learn a thing or two. As we all know, the devil, did and does go to church. So I know that people who don’t like me, will read this blog as well. So they know the truth as well as you do. And, I am hurt because I expected more which is wrong because your human. I never worried or doubted you because I thought we were family. Maybe that was the jinx as everyone knows I don’t get along well with family. I loved you too much and that was the straw that broke the camels back. But, what hurts the most is that your becoming like everybody else. A stranger!

Knowing Me Is Murder

Well, the funny thing about living the life that I lead is that you never really know what’s going to happen day to day but you know the consequences. You know that at some point, some body is going to get pissed off or something bad is going to happen as soon as you start to get in motion. All of which is why I try to keep my nose clean; hear no evil, speak no evil. Even though there are some times that I really want to be that way. 

The truth is that I can’t forget myself even though more than most people I’ve got reasons to be a total bitch. Like right now, I am angry over a couple friends that I know are going through it. I’m angry over how their life is going to change and how they are getting ready to change as people. But, more than being angry, I am incredibly hurt and I feel guilty. Guilty because as much as someone else did this to them or they were “chosen”, I might as well have pulled the trigger myself. You can say that this person or that person is talented and they are moving on in their lives. But, why does moving on have to always be something that is at my expense and something that is done without me in their lives. 

It makes me feel like a nuisance at first then it makes me feel like some kind of obstacle that they have to get over and/or kill to move on. I feel mined like an oil well or like a website/catalog to be shopped from. Just so used up! And, it always comes back to mind that what is so bad about me that I can’t seem to get the love that your getting ready to show to this person or that person. This person is going to lose weight, well I could stand to lose a few pounds, I am getting dangerously close to the 300 pound mark. This person is going to get a boyfriend while I’ve been single for 9 years. I just feel like I am good enough to take stuff from but too bad to get stuff. Maybe because everybody believes that I can’t have my mind changed. 

That alone is proof of the damage. And, it is exactly what I was saying about respect a few days ago. It’s hard to believe in certain things when the contrary exists around you. Like this big business man could say, “Well, I am going to do this or that for you; this person is not your friend…..etc”. But, then you have the people around you who don’t want you to have more, who get in the way you doing more, living a better life, having sex or something. For example, if you said to me, “I’m going to make you a model”. The first thing I think to myself is have you checked my diet and health. I can’t even be made into a cashier at the local Burger King. It’s like  watching someone piss you, then having some come from around the corner and say, “Well, it’s raining”.

These days I really don’t know about but I’ve never been more sure that things are going to explode. Everyone is pissed off at something or someone but mainly me. Even though I am sitting here ass out and almost broke all the time. Everyone comes to me, like I pulled the trigger. And, no one recognizes that the consequences of what their friends do and what they do. It’s a tit for tat life and I am just the tip of two icebergs. Everyone is entitled and rightfully so but when you take someone’s life then you’ve just raised the ante. 

Los Angeles

Well, its kind of awkward to have so many people approach you like you asked for help. Like I’m out just asking people for help. No one really asks me if I want help. But, the light of this life shines so bright. And, lately I have been thinking about work. Why haven’t I got a job? Why would me being employed and away from everyone be such a bad idea? You’d think that it would be a good idea. 

Then I thought to myself, “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes……….look at the situation from another angle”. Like I had to try and understand, what does this mean. It’s gotta be a bigger reason other than health and not being chosen. My current theory is as long as I’m at home, everyone else has time to snoop. Everyone has time to be all up in everything past and present.  

Tonight I went to the video store and I’m hardly ever outside during business hours or even day light. But, as I was going there, things were fine. It felt like I was in the normal world. I started to recognize the bubble that I live in. So I arrived and did my shopping. As I was leaving the store, I could tell that time and everything else had caught up with me. Life felt a little more familiar and I sunk down a little more in spirit.

Life is so much better when I am away. I wonder if I am not seeing LA….I wonder for how long I havent seen my city and I live right here. Yeah, I see my LA; LA from inside of my bubble with all of my problems. But, I only ever get glimpses of this city. I’m sad about it because when I am alone and outside of my bubble, I recognize that this could be paradise. There are so many people and opportunities that could be had here. 

And, it makes me hate the world that I am missing all of it. That some people could be so strong, that they could own someone else’s life. That there fears and mistakes plus their opinion of you, could hold you hostage from meeting people, going places, getting work or whatever else. All I can see now is the last six years of my life wasted and gone. Even the things that I have done like finishing school, don’t really mean anything. 

The funny thing is I often hear about how some people just want their independence or autonomy. But, the funny thing is how could you want or ask from something that you would not only not give me but that you wont give others. And, that’s evident because if its not you then you get someone else to harass other people, who have physically done nothing to you. So what some body knows something about you. They most likely only know as it pertains to me. 

Marilyn Monroe said one of the most genius lines in the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. So she said, “Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You may not marry a girl just because she is pretty, but, my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for me to have those things?”. So I think to myself, “Shouldn’t it be the same way with friends”. Don’t you want your son, mother, brother, daughter or who ever to be around people who really care about him or her?

Now Listen To This

Well, its very hard to take in how you some people feel about you and you’ve never even met them. Word of mouth is a powerful thing and the things that you do that are wrong, they tend to be amplified. And, I’ve wrote about this before but I think this where so many of us mess up; we take intricate things and try to make it a black and white topic. Life is colorful! There are so many shades or possibilities. 

You see a man and a woman. She has been having an affair with another man for one year. The general public finds out about it and the woman is vilified. But, little does everyone know; the husband has been abusive and had several affairs with many woman including her friends. So the woman found love some place else. The sad part is that even after some people learn the truth, the woman will still be seen as this bad person. 

The truth is we all sin or do bad things. And, for the Christians in the building, the bible says, “a sin is a sin”. So that means that there is no sin is greater than another. But, it is us, human beings, who have put degrees on just how bad something is. And, we glorify sin and scandal. Elizabeth Taylor was a Hollywood legend; a great actress. But, most of us only know her from her struggles and marriages. But, she basically help build Amfar and raised millions of dollars in the name of HIV/AIDS and gay people. 

The truth is I am more known for the bad things in my life. If I have a disagreement with my family, don’t do something I was suppose to do, have sex with someone or do anything that isn't angelic……its spread and smeared everywhere. But, for all the good things that I do or the sweet things….you never really hear about them. And, its not just because its me but its because we glorify sin. 

Its for reasons like this that I know something really good and/or really bad is going to happen to me. I feel that the glorification and the emotion is building up. Plus, the whispers that you hear can really paint a picture of your future. And, right now I just feel like I am in between where I have been and where I am going in life. Is my life going to end up in handcuffs, morbid obesity and lack of opportunities or am I going to soar and change that picture. 

In my heart, I believe I know what I need to do. And, I know that there may be opportunities for me. But, like I always say, “You can’t live your life on dreams and possibilities”. I’m not getting any younger, I need some guarantees. And, it’s no disrespect or even a lack of faith that things can get better. What it is, is protecting my heart and the little life that I have left. For so many people, you can make your mark on others (good or bad), go home and rest your head peacefully. But, every decision I (and even decisions that my friends make) not only affects what immediately follows but it affects my future. 

And, its all serious to me because this is my life. This is my future. And, if there is one thing that I know it’s that you have to care about your future. You have to care about your life. If I would have cared a little bit more about mines ten or so years ago, I would be in a much better place then I am right now. Anyway, shit happens, the past is the past. If only every one else felt the same way. Like you can still feel bad about but as long as your moving on and not living in it then its cool. 

In closing, I didn't plan on writing about this topic. But, twice I was put in awkward situations. And, I am not mad about them….maybe sad because of a lack of understanding. Hopefully this wont boil down to an issue of respect. If anything, I respect people, but its hard to respect some people. Its like your kicking me in the face and saying, “Hey, respect me.” And, that kind of tactic is only going to have people fearing you….that’s not respect. And, I have been afraid for too many years. If anything, I think I am getting to an age or a place like, I've been mislead, I’ve misunderstood so many times and I’d rather talk to you face to face then just nod in submission. I’d rather stand up and work with you then under you. Lastly, this blog post is not to throw anybody under the bus. What it is or what I want it to be is, “Okay, you have heard all of this side and seen all of this side…..Now listen to this”. What do you think?

Stampede

Its interesting to see the satisfaction that comes from revenge. This week I had to make that decision that I always have to make; the choice between this person and that person. No hardly ever recognizes the position that they put me in when they go dirt. Its like its assumed that I am suppose to agree with what they are doing or something. And, it’s not about choosing people; it’s really not that deep. 

In most cases, it’s always someone trying to get back at some one for something that they did wrong in the first place. If thats not the case, then its always about acquiring. And, both of those situations are wack. You’d rather give someone a life and a struggle just like yours, in the hopes that you can get out of your struggle. 

Sometimes things just come out of no where. For example, hypothetically, I could tell Sam that Bob has a crush on Billy. And, then come to find out they are secretly dating. But, Sam is dating Billy and I had no idea. Now a world of trouble is raised and every body has pulled out their daggers. And, Sam is pissed at me.There is nothing that you can really do about that. Yeah, I could apologize or say that I am sorry but that is really not going to do much. 

If your living in a world where you thought there was peace and that everyone is operating on the level, then you wouldn’t have problems like this. But, I don’t live in a world like that, everybody is always up to something. And, one thing always leads to something even bigger happening. We hold on to things! I’ve become that way now since I moved where I am. And, it is probably the thing that I hate the most about where I live. 

The folly of living like this is, when you give power or energy to something, feed that same notion to other people then that momentum keeps up. It’s like an argument between drunk people, it just escalates and continues. You have to have a cut off switch or have a line drawn. For example, there is person x, who is not liked by person y. X pays Y no mind. But, Y is so preoccupied with his feelings for X that his feelings that he starts to take things too far. 

Thoughts and feelings of revenge does things to you. I know people as sweet and innocent as a rainbow but piss them off then see hell fire come down. I’ve seen bright eyes turn into black holes. And, more than whatever action, that’s what scares me. To see someone changing inside and becoming the essence of this new emotion. Becoming stronger, even more comfortable and more capable in this darkness. Thats what’s so scary!

In closing, the last thing I want to say and that I always say is, “Folks tell on themselves”. Mention certain topics and things like that. Say certain things. And, watch folks change on you or start running. There have been so many times where I was just talking to someone, bring up a certain topic and watch them just change or see a stampede of people fleeing. I’m tired of living like this. Some of you guys just don’t understand. 

Everybody's Changing

Seems like the people that you turn your head from are the ones that changed the most. And, it's usually the most hopeless ones. I'll think to myself, how did I end up in the same place where I was before and you over there. And, if it's not that then someone else is not someone is not who they appear to be. 

The feeling is indescribable. I'm don't feel anger or jealously, I feel disappointed. In my mind, I can grasp it in my mind. But, in my heart, I feel a sadness or a mourning that I can't quite describe. It's a sadness not so much for myself (although I do feel left behind) but a sadness because something else will not be the same. 

I won't have the same feelings or thoughts. I won't do the same things and neither will the other because the reality is and the truth is out. It's not a great feeling for me and my issue. Some where along the line I stopped living. All I am now is alive but I'm not living my life to the fullest. So I can't be mad at anyone else really. 

But, to be honest, I'm just trying to keep cool, calm and collected. Everybody and everything is changing and I don't feel the same. Maybe it's a miracle that I have discovered pot again at this time in my life. The problem is when the high comes down, I feel worse all over again. And, I don't want to abuse the pot. Although I have to admit that its losing its charm. Once something becomes a tool, a routine or ritual then its not really fun anymore. 

And, what once was something that was meant to mellow you out has become this thing that is not a good thing. What I don’t want is to be judged. And, I feel judged and messed with when there weren’t so many more appealing options to get better. So once again, my illness has become something to be used against me and my work. Lastly, I think to myself, if I am not sick or if I am believed to be well then what exactly happened with all those job opportunities that I had in the past. And, why does everybody still love to put my name and crazy in the same sentence?

Recently, I have had conversations with a friend who has had mental health experiences similar to myself. And, I talked to him and said “What would make it better?”. Then I talked to another friend and he said to me, “There are more nice people around you than you think”. And, I have been thinking about these two questions all day. 

For the second question I replied, “If this true then I guess the problem is me and my life”. And, that’s what would make my life better, not to be confused with my person. So what would make things better all around, I don’t know, I don’t know how to I can satisfy everyone. If I knew how to do that successfully, I wouldn’t be in the position that I am in now. The only thing I can think to say is just go ahead and accept. Let them run over you like a rushing river. But, I just don’t see that happening. 

As far as I can see, there are more people that hate me and hate who I know (alone) than like me. And, these people are as determined as an ISIS suicide bomber. And, what they do is make things happen like no other does. And, I think that is the thing we have in common. We do what we say where going to do. And, were all smart and adaptable people; qualities that we mistake in one another. But, the more that I smoke weed and am out of routine. Something gives speed and new routine to others. 

As I know it, there is only one way to fix all my problems and maybe more peoples problems. And, as far as I can tell, I don’t think it will happen. All I can say is things are going down; time is not on my side. The way, I see it, folks are testing the water all over and will know how to strike.  And, the only way things go up again is through compliance. I know these people, they will not stop. And, with me being here, I am a direct line to others as well as an outlet. So now is a time for some creative thinking, some new ideas and to make things happen. A change in routine. Some careful and for God’s sake, quiet planning. Lastly, whatever you do, try to stay on the right side of the law. If you can make it legal and keep it legal then there is not much anyone can say or do. As I have shown, people will use whatever they can when they can. So I am sick when it serves someone else’s purpose. And, that can be spun all kind of ways; like I am the sick and crazy kid being taken advantage by foreigners, etc or yadda yadda. This is the way some people see it. Whatever you do, keep it legal, clean up your footprints and keep a good heart. That will be the difference and advantage. 

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